OMG WHAT AM I doing HERE?

[Lotus]

I'm coming from the point of view of your hubby.
It's taken me a while (longer than you would like to know), and my guy didn't have another person that he was trying to get things started with.

I've done the waffling that you talked about. In one day I would go from okay to jealous to angry back to okay.
But what helped me in our situation was talking, and lots of it. I told him my fears, and he reassured me every time.
Our conversations had lots of tears (I'm emotional), but we're moving along and I'm feeling more comfortable.
We have things we do together, that are unique to him and I.
And he gives me plenty of attention to equal out (at least in my mind) the attention he's giving to others.

I hope this helped you, even if just a little.

[Erin]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

BUT our texts and emails (we don't talk on the phone yet not sure why)... SKIRT around all sexuality. Every time I try to take it there.. he drags it back to talking about mundane things... so I'm not sure what to think. Mr. DNPWWO and I have not had sex or anything even remotely resembling sex yet... we have very little time to get together and currently plan a meeting shortly after the first of the year...

I apologize if I am reading this wrong, but it sounds to me like he is toying with you when he changes the subject. He likes the idea but won't take it any further. Is he in a relationship of his own? I am also in that situation where if I begin to 'toy' he changes the subject to mundane things - and it is so annoying that I've stopped 'toying' with him. I'm reminded of that dreaded quote, "He's just not that into you." I'm not saying this is happening to you, but I'd be aware of the smaller signs to see if he is causing more of a divide between you and your husband with his "innocent" games. His ego is fed because he knows he's got your attention, so he'll toy until he thinks it's gone too far. Just sharin' my two pennies - you can take 'em for what it's worth or gladly leave 'em at the door

Seriously, though, good luck!

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by Erin

I apologize if I am reading this wrong, but it sounds to me like he is toying with you when he changes the subject. He likes the idea but won't take it any further. Is he in a relationship of his own? I am also in that situation where if I begin to 'toy' he changes the subject to mundane things - and it is so annoying that I've stopped 'toying' with him. I'm reminded of that dreaded quote, "He's just not that into you." I'm not saying this is happening to you, but I'd be aware of the smaller signs to see if he is causing more of a divide between you and your husband with his "innocent" games. His ego is fed because he knows he's got your attention, so he'll toy until he thinks it's gone too far. Just sharin' my two pennies - you can take 'em for what it's worth or gladly leave 'em at the door

As someone who can block with mundane conversation. Its might not be a game. Or toying. It could be discomfort. Its a defense mechanism that works effectively for not ending a conversation but dragging it back to somewhere comforting.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Lotus

I'm coming from the point of view of your hubby.
It's taken me a while (longer than you would like to know), and my guy didn't have another person that he was trying to get things started with.

I've done the waffling that you talked about. In one day I would go from okay to jealous to angry back to okay.
But what helped me in our situation was talking, and lots of it. I told him my fears, and he reassured me every time.
Our conversations had lots of tears (I'm emotional), but we're moving along and I'm feeling more comfortable.
We have things we do together, that are unique to him and I.
And he gives me plenty of attention to equal out (at least in my mind) the attention he's giving to others.

I hope this helped you, even if just a little.

it did help
thank you (wish there was a hug smilie)
we are talking and doing better... a lot of the issues were my mis-use of terms... as i become more familar with this whole idea I find the right words and that helps.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

Something specifically for the two of you..swinging was something you did together, as someone else pointed out, it was something special the two of you shared.

But they can still swing together

AND

You say that you are enjoying the mental connection with your new guy, the conversations, the intellectual exchange. Is there something the two of you share, maybe you haven't done it in a while, which you could do again soon to show him that you really do love him, are there for him, that THIS relationship is VERY important to you.

Have this.

Regardless of the status of swinging, her hubby will have discomfort with the separation of the love in a poly relationship. Thats the part that needs to be figured out. Not finding something new to do together.

At least thats my take on the situation. They could take up knitting together and would still have the same problems in this potential poly relationship.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Erin

I apologize if I am reading this wrong, but it sounds to me like he is toying with you when he changes the subject. He likes the idea but won't take it any further. Is he in a relationship of his own? I am also in that situation where if I begin to 'toy' he changes the subject to mundane things - and it is so annoying that I've stopped 'toying' with him. I'm reminded of that dreaded quote, "He's just not that into you." I'm not saying this is happening to you, but I'd be aware of the smaller signs to see if he is causing more of a divide between you and your husband with his "innocent" games. His ego is fed because he knows he's got your attention, so he'll toy until he thinks it's gone too far. Just sharin' my two pennies - you can take 'em for what it's worth or gladly leave 'em at the door

Seriously, though, good luck!

he may be toying with me. I guess I should tell you we know each other from gaming... (board games)... so it's our nature to play games...

he is not in a relationship... he has been in the past but never married... I was the big flirt with him... now he took me up on it.... and he told me from the beginning that he was busy and it would take time... he runs hot and cold with me... just when I think I have his attention he's gone... poof... and I need to wait till he's ready again... He's used to being in charge from what I can tell... and I guess I'm a bit over the top for him..

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

As someone who can block with mundane conversation. Its might not be a game. Or toying. It could be discomfort. Its a defense mechanism that works effectively for not ending a conversation but dragging it back to somewhere comforting.

bingo... there is a reason he's single at 37 and he does not play well with others...

i wish he did not interest me so... it would be so much easier to just walk away

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Regardless of the status of swinging, her hubby will have discomfort with the separation of the love in a poly relationship. Thats the part that needs to be figured out. Not finding something new to do together.

At least thats my take on the situation. They could take up knitting together and would still have the same problems in this potential poly relationship.

yep hubby loves to swing with me... he likes to watch me and I love to watch him work... he's a bit concerned that he can't be with me when I'm with new guy... and that's a lot of the issue...