OMG WHAT AM I doing HERE?

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Superjast

Awesome.

Well, to put it bluntly, you sound like you have your shit together.

Even when we have our shit together, poly is still full of ups and downs.

For most of us, it is thinking outside the box we were ever taught. This causes the highs and lows you are starting to experience.

It sounds like your husband communicates his thought`s to you very well. If you are having problems coping, Is it might be because you take his feelings on for yourself ? Love can do that.

He stresses,...so you stress.

He`s ok,..so you are ok.

You might be feeling like you just need to know wether its green light or red light, so you can then know where you stand. For him, it`s not so simple. He might want to try, but moments of doubt might cause him to recoil. If he is the type that likes to think outloud, then you get to hear it all, and it can feel like a lot to deal with.

Thats a very normal part of being a couple.
As you get to understand poly more, you`ll probably hit a point where each of you is able to express your feelings to the other, in new ways that don`t start the roller-coaster syndrome.
It`s one of those things that can`t really be taught. It`s learned through trial and error, and experience.

It sounds like you have a good opportunity, and environment though.

oh thanks so so much! i feel better hearing that... I keep thinking I'm nuts to want to try this if my hubby is waffling about his feelings...

he likes when we play with others together... it's the concept of my being with Mr. DNPWWO alone that concerns him...


and yes I admit to being insanely excited about this and maybe a bit too enthusiastic... I'm not even sure that Mr. DNPWWO will go for this in the long run.... but it makes sense to me... so we will see...

[SourGirl]

Swinging was something you did TOGETHER. It`s a couples sport.
It is something that binded you two together. A physical 'high' of how strong you are that as a TEAM.... you can do something so,..different.
I am sure he is worried about 'This being the beginning of the end'..or ' What if she wants a new husband' ,..etc,..etc,. because you are branching away (in his eyes) from something you`ve always done together.

That`s scary for him. Poly tends to force us to confront our worst fears. Even in the best of relationships they deal with this aspect.

There is nothing wrong with that. Make sure he knows this. Men seem to try and be stronger in the beginning of this, then they are truly feeling on the inside. Then it explodes later down the read.
There is also nothing wrong with swinging at all. You`ve always been true to yourself before, and there is nothing saying you can`t keep being true to yourself in the future. Make sure he knows you aren`t throwing away your old life just yet.

Be careful that the crush doesn`t over ride you. Be prepared to lose battles in order to win the war. In the beginning, also be prepared to weather the storms of mistakes made in the past.

Enjoy the forum, and keep on reading

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Superjast

Swinging was something you did TOGETHER. It`s a couples sport.
It is something that binded you two together. A physical 'high' of how strong you are that as a TEAM.... you can do something so,..different.
I am sure he is worried about 'This being the beginning of the end'..or ' What if she wants a new husband' ,..etc,..etc,. because you are branching away (in his eyes) from something you`ve always done together.

That`s scary for him. Poly tends to force us to confront our worst fears. Even in the best of relationships they deal with this aspect.

There is nothing wrong with that. Make sure he knows this. Men seem to try and be stronger in the beginning of this, then they are truly feeling on the inside. Then it explodes later down the read.
There is also nothing wrong with swinging at all. You`ve always been true to yourself before, and there is nothing saying you can`t keep being true to yourself in the future. Make sure he knows you aren`t throwing away your old life just yet.

Be careful that the crush doesn`t over ride you. Be prepared to lose battles in order to win the war. In the beginning, also be prepared to weather the storms of mistakes made in the past.

Enjoy the forum, and keep on reading

EXACTLY!
Hubby has made me solemnly swear that if the new guy tries to get me to leave him I will end the relationship. I keep trying to explain to him over and over that it will not happen. I did promise that I would end it if it did come to that, I just don't ever see that happening Mr. DNPWWO is not interested in me that way.... (at least not that I know of)...

I love my husband so much. AND I love him even more for being brave enough in the face of his fears to allow me the freedom to explore this.

Again, I have not discussed this with the new fellow... he has no clue I've thought of this, he's not a swinger, nor is he poly to the best of my knowledge. He's a forever single guy... and yes I am a bit distracted in my fantasies of him at this point....wondering if one day I can manage to entice him into a full poly relationship with me...

now to figure out the signs of how to know when he's ready for THAT conversation....

[Somegeezer]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

EXACTLY!
Hubby has made me solemnly swear that if the new guy tries to get me to leave him I will end the relationship. I keep trying to explain to him over and over that it will not happen. I did promise that I would end it if it did come to that, I just don't ever see that happening Mr. DNPWWO is not interested in me that way.... (at least not that I know of)...

I love my husband so much. AND I love him even more for being brave enough in the face of his fears to allow me the freedom to explore this.

Again, I have not discussed this with the new fellow... he has no clue I've thought of this, he's not a swinger, nor is he poly to the best of my knowledge. He's a forever single guy... and yes I am a bit distracted in my fantasies of him at this point....wondering if one day I can manage to entice him into a full poly relationship with me...

now to figure out the signs of how to know when he's ready for THAT conversation....

I think THAT conversation should be talked out as soon as possible. It seems the best way is to just get everything out of the way. You'll know then and there whether to go on with what you want or to just walk away. The sooner the better. I know I'd want to know about all that before it was too late.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Somegeezer

I think THAT conversation should be talked out as soon as possible. It seems the best way is to just get everything out of the way. You'll know then and there whether to go on with what you want or to just walk away. The sooner the better. I know I'd want to know about all that before it was too late.

yeah but for right now it's just supposed to be fun and games.... and I'm ok with that. I'm not sure what to think... I know from my dating days that you don't change the rules on someone.

he's met hubby. the three of us talked about the fact that he and i were going to embark on No strings attached sex... but that i needed to have some connection to him... so we started email... and every time I try to talk about sexual things he drags me back to the mundane... I almost feel like a girl friend listening to him vent about work and such...

not sure how to proceed... thinking i need to wait till we are face to face to talk about it... email gives me less control with him than I need.

I'm not use to dominant men. My husband is submissive in most things. As an older woman I tend to be a bit more forthright and dominant. This new guy does not seem to take that well.... (and that I admit is part of his charm)

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

not sure how to proceed... thinking i need to wait till we are face to face to talk about it... email gives me less control with him than I need.

...agreed.

Quite honestly, some people need everything put on the table, so they know what they are dealing with, while other people can`t handle all of the information at once. I am sure your husband and you both know how your desire for information flows.

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing

I'm not use to dominant men. My husband is submissive in most things. As an older woman I tend to be a bit more forthright and dominant. This new guy does not seem to take that well.... (and that I admit is part of his charm)

This part sounds very much like me, with a relationship I had, about this time last year.

You can skin a cat more then one way, as the old saying goes. Just make sure to skin it fairly. Your crush sounds like he hasn`t quite figured out why he likes you yet either , but theres something there that he does like. He`s getting to know you in a manner he feels comfortable with, because he`s truly interested. Sounds good to me.

Your husband needs you to go slow anyways,...and give him time to wrap his brain around it, and build some security.

If your husband is more submissive, it will always be YOUR ACTIONS with this, that influence his confidence. So,...go slow,....even in your excitement for the new crush. At the same time,..whatever things have slowed down between your husband and you, you need to pick it back up, and get excited with him.... For him. In poly, ......a little goes a long way, in helping our SO`s see that they are part of a healthy balance, very much needed, and loved.

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Superjast

...agreed.

Quite honestly, some people need everything put on the table, so they know what they are dealing with, while other people can`t handle all of the information at once. I am sure your husband and you both know how your desire for information flows.




This part sounds very much like me, with a relationship I had, about this time last year.

You can skin a cat more then one way, as the old saying goes. Just make sure to skin it fairly. Your crush sounds like he hasn`t quite figured out why he likes you yet either , but theres something there that he does like. He`s getting to know you in a manner he feels comfortable with, because he`s truly interested. Sounds good to me.

Your husband needs you to go slow anyways,...and give him time to wrap his brain around it, and build some security.

If your husband is more submissive, it will always be YOUR ACTIONS with this, that influence his confidence. So,...go slow,....even in your excitement for the new crush. At the same time,..whatever things have slowed down between your husband and you, you need to pick it back up, and get excited with him.... For him. In poly, ......a little goes a long way, in helping our SO`s see that they are part of a healthy balance, very much needed, and loved.

thanks so much this makes great sense to me.

[Breathesgirl]

Have you tried to find something else that the two of you can do together to replace swinging? That might help to increase his confidence and show him that you really DO love him and are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the relationship with him as top priority!

[whatamIdoing]

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl

Have you tried to find something else that the two of you can do together to replace swinging? That might help to increase his confidence and show him that you really DO love him and are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the relationship with him as top priority!

i don't understand... can you give me examples.


btw we are not replacing swinging...

again I just never thought we were going to have this relationship.. .and to be honest I'm not sure the other guy will even be game for it...

[Breathesgirl]

Something specifically for the two of you..swinging was something you did together, as someone else pointed out, it was something special the two of you shared.

You say that you are enjoying the mental connection with your new guy, the conversations, the intellectual exchange. Is there something the two of you share, maybe you haven't done it in a while, which you could do again soon to show him that you really do love him, are there for him, that THIS relationship is VERY important to you.

I'm trying to think of examples but my mind is drawing a blank (vacation time tends to do that to me). Maybe visit a special place that is only special to the two of you, you don't go there with anyone else?

Gahhhhhhhhh, it feels like I'm being clear as mud. Maybe once Breathes gets home he can help me clarify what I'm trying to say *sigh*.