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  #11  
Old 11-24-2010, 02:22 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Did your first love recently come out to someone with an opinion she highly invests in?

The whole coming home and going upstairs to cry added to the complete 180 and not being able to express what she would like to be different or how she came to these feelings yet being able to still lose herself in the moment at times.....

It just sounds like someone very close to her got in her ear with their own judgments over the triad relationship you were all having. Someone very influential to her.
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  #12  
Old 11-25-2010, 06:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TroubledWater View Post
Can I salvage this somehow? Must I choose? Should I let my long-time love choose for me? Has anyone ever left someone after that long, still so deeply in love with them? If so, how do you live with it? I can't breath just thinking about being without her. Would I be a complete monster to send her away after so much time? Would I be a complete monster to send away my lover and her daughter, who is quickly becoming a daughter to me, too? Would my first lover be a complete monster for WANTING that, if indeed she does?
I don't know what others have written, so excuse me if there are repeats. Perhaps I will go back and read afterwards...

I had to end my relationship with my long time love when the triad between her and my now husband ended... I decided to not be with either, but eventually married my husband. She is still a large part of our life and I still love her. She is not poly and does not understand why I want to and am able to live the way I do, but she loves me and respects me and accepts the way things are, so we carry on.

In my opinion this relationship of yours went far too fast. NRE lasts a year or more for deep, loving, connected relationships and you were still in your NRE it seems when your girlfriend moved in. Not only that but you rescued her from her financial issues and created a dynamic that was possibly threatening to your first girlfriend. Even if that was not realized at the beginning, I would wonder if it was a niggling little feeling that just got bigger for her. Eventually taking over her thoughts on your arrangement.

It's still salvageable I think. Possibly with a lot of work and getting at the bottom of everyones needs and fears... this is a jealousy issue it seems, that is okay, but needs to be addressed and confronted by all of you. It's a monster in your space and needs to be kicked out the door once you've found what it wants.
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  #13  
Old 11-25-2010, 06:24 AM
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Having read further I wouldn't change what I have written; too fast/confident in results, niggling feeling got bigger and now has become jealousy... all what I said before. I like that you are going to spend some quality time with your first love this weekend. I hope that helps... maybe you will get some talking in about boundaries so that she has quality time with you more often.

I think I would ask her what it is that she is not getting out of your arrangement and then attempt to create some boundaries between all of you so as to better address the issues she has and perhaps what comes up for the other two of you... you never know what a deep discussion will bring up.

All this is part of a more mature relationship dynamic in that you are all settling in a bit more after the NRE is wearing off. Good luck.
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  #14  
Old 12-23-2010, 06:57 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
Did your first love recently come out to someone with an opinion she highly invests in?

The whole coming home and going upstairs to cry added to the complete 180 and not being able to express what she would like to be different or how she came to these feelings yet being able to still lose herself in the moment at times.....

It just sounds like someone very close to her got in her ear with their own judgments over the triad relationship you were all having. Someone very influential to her.
This is what I think too. I can't see how a triad that has gone for a while and is "great" can break up easily unless there is some "influence" brought in from somewhere. It can happen suddenly, but it is usually very obvious. The other thing to consider is one year isn't really much time to wrap your head around every triad concept.

Of course who knows how the OP really sees the situation, whenever anyone has a problem it's rare they can see all the mistakes they have made to contribute to it. Triads are like normal relationships but on steroids, unless you're a master at relationships or have people that are very forgiving in them most won't last too long anyhow. Most mono relationships don't last long either. "Long" is subjective though, maybe 3 months is long to some.
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  #15  
Old 12-31-2010, 01:26 AM
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I can certainly feel for you in this situation since I am very much in a similar situation, I recently about 5 weeks ago meet a wonderful guy that aproached me in that he wanted to persue a casual relaionship, but then we started to notice that the more we meet up and hung out with each other the deeper we got attached to each other.
Since the agreement that he had with girlfriend was that he could find play mates but not become romantically involved with them we both became concerned that we might be hurting her in the process of all this.

now when it really got odd was that he decided to tell her what was going on between him and I, and he talked with her about this I think over an entire weekend.
and then contacts me asking if I wanted to try and become a second girlfriend to him and his current one. Which kind of took me aback because I did not expect things between him and I to begin going in this direction. I honestly did not know where things were going before that either, I just knew that both him and I made each other happy.

and he had a lot of things happen to us that we were not really happy about at that point in our lives. But I was open to the idea of persuing a poly relationship and tried to spend time with both him and his gf.

there were a few times that because of texting each other back in forth we had mis communications about things but I tried to make it up to her by being nice and understanding about it and also giving her gifts.
because a lot of times in relationships I do that kind of thing to try to make a person feel good.
It was something that my prvious relationships did for me and I found enjoyable and generious on their parts to treat me as such.

I just kept finding that any time I tried to speak with her that my words would get turned around and changed to what she seemed to want to hear. and I would just be completly ignored.

I believe that was due to the fact that she was and still is scared that she is being replaced by me, and that I am trying take over her life.....

but really from what I have heard him say it seems they have both had issues with each other for quite some time now and the only reason he is still involved with her because she is pregnant with a child on the way and they have an 18 month old now.

I do realize not all the blame is on her this was my first time in a "real" poly relationship and I am sure that I could have done thing a lot better but I really did try to do the best I could I tried to be fair to the both of them tried to be honest and kind to them both but.....it just seemed that I could not do anything to make this situation turn good.

and even though i tried with all my might to be as kind and understanding about the situation as I could, that is being totally ignored by the gf and she is now calling the shoots as to if the bf can use the phone or even talk to me at all.

It felt wonderful and amazing to meet this man that made genuinely happy and I will admit that there many times I was happy with all three of them....but it just did not seem to be constant one day it would be one thing and the other it would be total chaos and drama.

All I truly wish right now is that I could speak with the bf himself and just hear his take on the situation, because so far it has only been the gf telling me how he feels......and not be mean but I don't really turst her in that all she is saying is really how he feels. If I could hear from him that he really wants this to stop and to end I would be more then happy to let things just be that way. but hearing it second hand makes me have doubts.

I think the best course of action is to leave it alone let it breath and see if someone wants to come forward and talk about it later, if he really is in love with me like he claims he was then he should at least care about me enough to try and discuss how he feels.
I just saw him yesterday and in no way did he make it seem like he wanted to end things like she is claiming he does.
my apologies for ranting just fairly tired and upset from all this, it all got dumped on me literally today.
before anyone replies back to this yes I realize very much so there lots of warning signs I should have been watching out for with this situation.....and I hope I can move on from this and learn from it.
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  #16  
Old 12-31-2010, 09:40 AM
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that sucks Kala... I'm sorry you are hurting..
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  #17  
Old 12-31-2010, 02:42 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I agree with what others said about NRE, new relationship energy, being the culprit here. Your primary had her own dose of it, and now it's worn off and her jealousy has finally kicked in. Jealousy can be dealt with tho, it's very difficult at first, but gets better.

But I want to address this aspect which hasnt been talked about yet:


Quote:
With this new girl I've started to discover myself sexually, and have found that I have very strong desires -- needs even -- that my old love simply will not fulfill. ...With my new girl I would be happy, sexually satisfied, and I would get the pleasure of exploration and adventure both sexually and romantically that I've never had the opportunity to experience.... It also feels like if I chose her, and her more exciting nature, her more sexual nature, her more adventurous spirit, that I would be choosing THAT over the powerful feelings I have for the first girl.
.
So, you're discreet about the details here, but I'd place a bet this is part of the problem. Since you and both your "girls" (can we at least have initials here to differentiate and humanize them?) have had 3way sex, your primary mustve witnessed the more adventurous (kinky?) stuff you and the new girl have done. Maybe this is a rather big part of her new insecurity as well.
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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