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  #11  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:54 AM
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I think maybe he's just not worth the hassle. Seems like he won't really change his mind and always have his double standards. .

I care about everyone in this journey and I know you haven't met him. Please don't pretend to know what his worth is.
Regardless of what anyone thinks this is and has been tough on all of them.

Walk a little in his shoes.
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  #12  
Old 11-23-2010, 07:32 AM
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I don't think its such a bad thing to bend a little. It's the start of a negotiation process and you seemingly have thrown out what he has offered without giving it a thought and some respect. It's like someone giving you the gift of their most vulnerable heart in the form of something they have made(regardless of the packaging) and you not even opening it and throwing it out the window in hast and anger.

Sorry LR, not fair I don't think.

He needed reassurance that he is still your man, and you have just confirmed that he is full of shit and can fuck right off with being your man. Is that what you meant to say to his hurting heart? He is trying to heal no?

This is where we at the hinges of vees don't get to ever have our cake and eat it too. We are always doing what we can to make sure that our loves are feeling appreciated and cared for, sometimes at the expense of what we really want in the moment...

If this were me I think I would suck it up, agree to do this with the understanding that if you are not to touch who you want to then neither is he, and go out and have the best time ever. Knowing that boundary negotiations are not over yet.

A good party or two could really help ease the tension and normalize things for all of you, move you past the crap that is going on... is that not the bigger gain? The greater good? There is lots of time to touch GG in private, who cares if you can't in public.

In my life I am very careful to not touch either men too much. If I do I make sure it is even and does not send off an message to them or those watching that I favor one over the other. Most of the time it's just easier to be private in our touching. The reassurance I give is so important, even if I really would not normally bother under any other circumstance and don't really see any value in it for myself directly... the direct benefit is that they are comfortable and happy and love me more because of it... all good stuff back again... then stuff like that usually eases in time.
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  #13  
Old 11-23-2010, 10:55 AM
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I LOVE PDA's! lol Unfortunately neither of my guys are particularly into it . They're fine showing affection in front of a known quantity but not in front of those they don't really know.

One of the most memorable times with both of them together is when I was kissing Possibility good-bye & Breathes reached over & pinched my butt , his wife & their hubby were right there, too, lol.

I'm gathering from your words, LR, that Maca isn't OK even with private displays? If he doesn't see it then it isn't 'real' so he can just keep going as though everything's hunky dory, he's the ONLY man in your life apart from the kids.

I'm curious, are your definitions of public and private the same? For me public is anything where it isn't just the two of us, for them (I haven't confirmed this and am not about to at this ridiculous hour) I think it's more along the lines of outside the house & (for Possibility) as long as my kids aren't present. Private, for me, is anything inside the house no matter who's around although it can also include just the two of us.

Much hugs. I hope he settles this for himself soon so you can go back to living your life happily.

As an aside: I'm enjoying reading your blog and seeing the process you're going through trying to get through this.
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  #14  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If this were me I think I would suck it up, agree to do this with the understanding that if you are not to touch who you want to then neither is he, and go out and have the best time ever. Knowing that boundary negotiations are not over yet.
This was kind of what I was thinking, actually my thoughts actually were much more confrontational and retaliatory, but this is healthier. I know it doesn't bother you, but his double standard does. He needs to be bound by his rules as well.

I think you guys need to come up with new boundaries. No one should ever be completely ignored. Maybe before a group outing/event you and Maca could sit down together, get a feel for his mood and reassure him that your interaction with GG doesn't mean you love him less, but you won't be ignoring him either.

When we have something out of the ordinary going on, an all day event, road trip, etc, I have to do this for my oldest kid. I have to spell out the plan for the day and warn him that plans may change at a moments notice. If we promise to stop somewhere, but something prevents that (traffic, etc), it doesn't mean we lied, it means that circumstances have changed and we need to adapt. Before I started giving him this warning, he would focus on the fact that we didn't do something on the plan and he couldn't get past it. I found that when doing this for the kid, I was also able to do it for myself as well and I delt with SNAFUS much better.
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  #15  
Old 11-23-2010, 08:45 PM
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I never show GG pda with Maca around, I have no issue with that-if the tables were even.
But they are not.

I didn't say I wouldn't go to the parties-I said I won't go to the parties with both of them together.

I don't mind going to GG's party with GG and going to Maca's with Maca. I have issue with going with BOTH of them and Maca expecting me to flat ignore GG.

RP-I know what you are saying-and yes-I did vent on here about how I feel.
However, I haven't done that to him and he's not reading the board at this point.

My issue isn't the idea of not showing any sexual affection to one of them in front of the other.
My issue is the expectation that I rub that sexual affection between Maca and I into GG's face AND that I allow Maca to show sexual affection to other women in front of me, but never ever allow myself to show ANY KIND OF AFFECTION-sexual or otherwise to GG in front of Maca.

That's a clear cut double standard-even Maca says so.

If HE see's that he has a double standard AND
He says that he would never tolerate it if he were me AND
He says it's wrong and not what he wants.... .

Why should I do it?



Don't get me wrong-I don't think "worth" is really the question here. I understand what (don't recall the name) the other poster was saying (as I said). But worth isn't really the issue at hand.

Maca has worth-a great deal of worth to me.
And he knows it.

He told him himself that he's selfish and that he takes me for granted. He admittedly quite readily that he expects me to arrange my life so that I am available any time he wants me to be, but does not expect to have to rearrange his own life for my benefit at all.

He wants to be able to say snap his fingers and POOF, there I am. I should just be waiting on the shelf like Buzz Lightyear for whenever he finally decides he wants to play with me. It's not ok for me to make plans of my own.

He admits that he doesn't hate GG, he WANTS to hate GG because he's afraid people will laugh at him and think he's a fool because he "allows me" to have another man.
BUT-he's more than willing to flaunt that I allow him another woman all over town. He's more than willing to make off-hand comments to random people at the store about it, turn to kiss me, then turn and kiss her and/or grab both of our asses to really RUB IT IN that he's got both of us.

I would never do those things-ever. It's not my nature.
But I can't even kiss GG goodbye without getting an attitude, and I'm talking a light closed mouth kiss, not a deep, passionate make-out kiss.

Even so much as idly running my hand over GG's shoulder results in attitude.

But Maca can make out in public?


To be blunt, I'm just sick of the drama that results when he flip-flops back and forth. I really don't care any more WHAT his decision is. I just need him to MAKE a decision.

I can't continue with him moving in and out, HIM setting up "dates" for GG and I, then having meltdowns over them; HIM promoting things like group outings, then having meltdowns over them; HIM promoting cuddle parties, then having meltdowns over them etc.

I would MUCH RATHER JUST KEEP IT ALL SEPARATED than deal with the meltdowns that follow EVERY SINGLE THING HE GIVES ME.
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:32 PM
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BUT-he's more than willing to flaunt that I allow him another woman all over town. He's more than willing to make off-hand comments to random people at the store about it, turn to kiss me, then turn and kiss her and/or grab both of our asses to really RUB IT IN that he's got both of us.
It's almost as if he wants you to get mad and react as he would in such a situation. The thing is he can't fully understand your nature, because he is much different. His actions must be judged based on his nature not yours. I get the impression that he is trying to be cruel and this is a form of retaliation.


Quote:
To be blunt, I'm just sick of the drama that results when he flip-flops back and forth. I really don't care any more WHAT his decision is. I just need him to MAKE a decision.
Is it possible that he has made his decission, but doesn't want to be percieved as the bad guy by walking away from his family? It is sounds like he is doing everything he can think of to make you mad enough that YOU call an end to it. I have seen my brother do this, sometimes not even countiously, but he will be unreasonable, difficult, moody, and just downright unpleasant until his g/f breaks up with him.
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  #17  
Old 11-23-2010, 09:47 PM
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It's almost as if he wants you to get mad and react as he would in such a situation. The thing is he can't fully understand your nature, because he is much different. His actions must be judged based on his nature not yours. I get the impression that he is trying to be cruel and this is a form of retaliation.
It's interesting that you said this-because he used to tell me all of the time that if I REALLY loved him, I'd get jealous and angry if he was paying attention to someone else. I hadn't thought about that in awhile, but we fought viciously in the early years over me not getting jealous and possessive. He would get spitting mad because he thought it meant that I didn't give a shit about him.

Quote:
Is it possible that he has made his decission, but doesn't want to be percieved as the bad guy by walking away from his family? It is sounds like he is doing everything he can think of to make you mad enough that YOU call an end to it. I have seen my brother do this, sometimes not even countiously, but he will be unreasonable, difficult, moody, and just downright unpleasant until his g/f breaks up with him.
It is possible, but I don't know how to know for sure.

Either way-it seems to me that as I know what I want/believe/need, then I should stay my course regardless.
IF he wants to change his course-then he should change it.....

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  #18  
Old 11-23-2010, 09:48 PM
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well LR, I think if this were me I would quite calmly say, either everyone shows affection at moments that feel comfortable or they don't... end of story. No double standard, no misunderstandings and no power trips...
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:55 PM
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I'm hearing that answer RP. I'm seriously considering that one. Because I'm at a total loss at this point.
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  #20  
Old 11-23-2010, 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I think you guys need to come up with new boundaries. No one should ever be completely ignored. Maybe before a group outing/event you and Maca could sit down together, get a feel for his mood and reassure him that your interaction with GG doesn't mean you love him less, but you won't be ignoring him either.
I agree (boundaries).
I agree (ignored).

I have tried the reassuring thing-but it doesn't matter WHAT I do. There's no accountability on his part to manage his emotions. He just reacts as they hit him as though it weren't possible to control one's own emotions.

It's very daunting. It's the EXACT same way my stepson behaves-a behavior Maca is putting the kid into counseling (again) for....
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