Telling a non-poly "date" about myself

[dragonflysky]

Well I did it. I went through my first experience of trying to figure out how and when to tell a guy I had just started dating that I am in a poly relationship. The timing was hard because if we didn't really connect, I saw no need to bring it up. But, I didn't want to be perceived as lying or deceitful. I told him about it after our 3rd date when it seemed like we were getting along well and it looked like things could develop further between us.

Guess I was lucky in that he didn't get mean or nasty towards me, but was very disappointed as he saw me as quite an "exceptional" woman and didn't see poly as anything he'd ever be interested in. It was hard for me as I was really enjoying this guy's company, but I remained calm and answered his questions and empathized with his thoughts and feelings. When he mentioned wanting to find just one special person to spend the remainder of his life with...sharing himself and what he has in life....I have to admit there were some twinges from deep inside me...a pulling....for that type of perceived "security". (Especially when I don't have much financial security at 55 years old.)

It doesn't help that I haven't really decided if poly is the way I want to go. I'm currently with a poly partner whom I love, but things are challenging in that relationship right now, too. Never enough time to be with each other between work and his other partner and her young son. Nor do I feel they give me anything near "equal" or "fair" involvement in decision making, plans, etc. (And yes, I've discussed with him numerous times before that I have no desire to be a secondary....yet that seems to be what I am currently.)

Anyhow, I'm at least proud of myself for putting myself through this experience of having to tell someone that I'm poly...because it's a reality of poly relationships in our society. I must admit, however, there are times I wonder what the heck I'm doing trying this "poly stuff"! I'm probably closer to being a mono in a poly....but that's not working real well with all the time constraints in terms of getting my needs and wants for time, attention and intimacy met.

[Somegeezer]

Just because you feel poly, doesn't mean you can't be in a mono relationship. It seems like the relationship you in now is not where you are happy. If this bloke you just met seems like someone you could be happy with, maybe give it a go? If you find another person and begin to want a poly relationship again, you could talk to him about it when it came up? But live life for the moment I say! =]

I'm glad that it went well for you telling him though. I'm yet to come out to people really. I've told one of my closest friends and my ex-girlfriend who I was in a mono relationship with. I've always been in mono relationships too and only recently come around to my real feelings when I split with her. So in many ways, I told her because I felt she helped me realise. =]

[dragonflysky]

I have thought about giving up my current poly relationship even before I met this current man because things aren't going so well in terms of being anything other than a secondary. I must say, however, maybe I am poly at heart because I feel I could love more than one man at a time. A secondary role with the first man would probably be acceptable...enough...fulfilling...if I had a primary partner I loved, too. If nothing else I guess this experience showed me that I can love and care about one person and still feel like I have "enough" love for someone else. Dang....I feel like such a mess in all this sometimes!

[nycindie]

I am curious as to how you brought it up. I am just beginning a relationship and need to talk to this man about my desire to explore polyamory, although there are no other relationships in my life right now (other than the soon-to-be-ex-husband). I haven't yet because the time isn't right, but I need to the next time we see each other.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by nycindie

but I need to the next time we see each other.

That shows strength and integrity and a certain level of bravery

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

That shows strength and integrity and a certain level of bravery

I appreciate that. I was afraid people would say, "What!? You haven't told him yet??!!"

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I appreciate that. I was afraid people would say, "What!? You haven't told him yet??!!"

Only if you don't actually tell him next time you see him

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Only if you don't actually tell him next time you see him

[dragonflysky]

I told this guy by sending him an email. That gave me a chance to think about my words carefully and him a chance to absorb what I said without feeling totally on the spot.

My email ("A" is our guy partner and "B" is our gal partner.):

__________________________________________________ ________

Before our "relationship-friendship" goes any further I want to share information with you about where I'm at with "relationships" at this time in my life. I think it's only fair that you know because it's not a traditional approach and may be something you want to run fast and far from! Most do.

I've mentioned my friendship with "A" and "B" who live in _________. "A" and "B" are not married although they're a "couple". They consider themselves to have an open relationship, meaning either/both are free to date, be friends with, be intimate with, be in a commited relationship with other people. The one premise is that they are open and honest with each other and everyone else involved. Their relationship, however, isn't one of being "swingers" per se. They believe in what's called "polyamory" which is the belief that you can love more than one person at a time. (I don't know if you've heard of polyamory before. I hadn't until I met "A".) It comes from the idea that "Love" is "Abundance" not "Scarcity".

This is a quote from an article on Polyamory that kind of sums it up for me:

Love is boundless and expansive. It should not be contained. It is not meant for love to live in compartments, but to be shared openly and honestly with all. The more that love is shared, the greater the unity among you. Marriage is a man-made construct, like religion or language. Anything that constricts love is not in alignment with oneness. You can never be diminished when love is shared. Indeed you are diminished when love is controlled or when you try to own another’s heart.

You came here to teach people how to love. Not just how to love one person, but to love all, including themselves. You have an opportunity to show people that love knows no bounds, to show people that love shared is love multiplied. You are love, and you are loved. Channel this message to others.

When "A" first presented this idea to me, I was like "No way. Not for me. Maybe for others, but I'm too insecure." The more I read and examined some of the principles and ideas, however, the more I became challenged to look at how I live and define "love" in all types of relationships, including romantic, intimate ones. I'm still not sure that "polyamory" is for me, but it's something I feel the need to explore at this time in my life. "A" and I do "date", including being sexually intimate with one another. If I were bi-sexual....which I'm NOT..."B" and I would probably date and be sexually intimate ("B" is bi-sexual). "A", "B" and I are "family" of sorts although we don't live together. We might at some time in the future. I might decide this isn't a path I want to follow and be strictly monogamous. In fact, my leanings are toward monogamy. Multiple relationships are complicated and time consuming.

I didn't know when to bring this issue up with you. I didn't want to be withholding or deceitful, but if it didn't look like there was going to be a possible connection between us, I saw no need to get into it. I wouldn't blame you or be surprised if you're already "running for the hills" and don't wish to have further contact with me after reading this email. I can totally understand. I just hope I haven't hurt you. You're a kind, good, loving man and you deserve the best in life. That "best" may not include me and/or polyamory. Who knows...it may not include polyamory for me, either. But for now, that's where my exploration of "Love", ever expanding and inclusive, is at. If you're interested in just friendship, that would be fine with me, too. As we've talked about in the past few days, it's not always easy finding people working on expanded consciousness, and I do enjoy your company.
__________________________________________________ _______

I don't know if this is of any help to you, but that's what I did and said.

[Raven]

Dragonflysky, thanks for posting that e-mail. As I'm thinking about looking for poly relationships, it's really nice to see a thoughtful example of how someone else has communicated that information to a possible future partner.