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  #911  
Old 11-22-2010, 03:58 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Spent the weekend with a buddy of mine from Bellingham. He was up for the <cough> 4th <cough> going away party for a close friend of mine. Why is this poly. 2 reasons

1 - he is sort of open. Early stages of opening up for his gf to have gf's. He doesn't want a triad and hasn't been interested in a girl until now. He is having conflicting feelings because he is crushing heavily on this female friend of mine. While nothing will come of it (she is moving very far away) I think between this, and what Pengrah and I have gone through opening up his eyes are slowly opening. Currently not poly, its all about the sex at this point.

2 - having him here was awesome. Having someone who knows how open we are and even the history. I was able to gush openly about SJ to him. Felt great to be able to truly express my feeling to a friend. While I am out about my openness, I don't really walk around talking about it. Having someone to sit down and just chat about relationships, whats going on and what I am planning in life was very relaxing.

While this was a very vanilla weekend, it was also a very poly weekend. A fantastic date night Friday with SJ and then into a weekend of great discussion and friends. I am feeling very poly-satisfied.

Ari

Last edited by Ariakas; 11-22-2010 at 04:06 AM.
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  #912  
Old 11-22-2010, 10:11 AM
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The weekend could have been better but certainly could have been worse too.

Bright spot of this coming week--I only work two days, the other three are inventory at work which I had foresight enough to sign off as vacation time way back when the sign up sheet was posted!

Low spot--Breathes is having coffee with former fwb after work today *sigh*. I'm OK with coffee, really I am, I just know he'll come home in a down mood which will only feed my already crummy mood.
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  #913  
Old 11-22-2010, 05:46 PM
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Yesterday was the first time I have actually met a mono person to discuss thier journey into a possible mono/poly relationship. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of people going down this path especially for younger people exploring their first serious relationships. I normally turn people away who ask to talk to me because I am afraid to discourage them but there is not a lot of support available from my perspective in our "real world" community. She's also a very nice and mature person so I accepted the invite happily.

She asked me to talk to her because A) I am pretty much the only mono person in our local community and B) she wanted to talk with some one who wouldn't immediately think she was crazy for pursuing this.

I had a good talk to Redpepper about how to approach this and came up with the idea of asking questions about what she wants from a relationship mixed in with a bit of my experiences and lessons learned.

She had already done a great deal of work internally and was able to clearly state that she wants to pursue this. She is in love. Because of her confidence and self awareness we shifted gears from "should you do this" to "how to do this".

We talked about identify what she needed to move forward which was a very solid core relationship (think primary for those who like the word like me). So we talked about starting there; both of them identifying what that would take and commmunicating how to achieve it. It all tied into building foundations. First you start with the footings (which are a clear understanding of ourselves; needs, wants, expectations) and then pour the foundation. Once that is cured and the relationship is solid, then you can look at adding other levels.

We sat there for two hours and had a very enjoyable and mutually beneficial discussion. I learned things from her and she learned things from me I think.
I left feeling that I had helped both her and her partner and ultimately felt enriched by the experience....not that I want a bunch of coffe dates, I'm way to reclussive for that
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  #914  
Old 11-22-2010, 06:11 PM
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Mono geared up all day for that coffee date. So proud he is in my life.
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  #915  
Old 11-22-2010, 10:08 PM
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Mono - the way you have deconstructed the needs in building a relationship - could you go into that with a little more detail?

The footings etc - for example from my side of the equation the only things I can come up with that I NEED from my partner/s would be acceptance and support and honest communication... for the relationship itself..

living together comes with a whole other set of needs (in my mind anyway) (I assume love is a given in any relationship :P)

Is there a process you could share that would help others to deconstruct and layout their own needs for relationships (I just know I have more in there - but can't seem to get them to the surface)?
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  #916  
Old 11-23-2010, 04:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
Mono - the way you have deconstructed the needs in building a relationship - could you go into that with a little more detail?

The footings etc - ?
Developing footings-

The main process in my opinion is to really look inside ourselves, be honest in what we want and develop an understanding of how we work internally that we are confident in. This is my strength; I know myself implicitly. There is little doubt in how I see aspects of my internal workings. That part of my footing is solid. I am my own brace and support, grounded and capable of standing alone. I have become able to give and love my partner purely and intensely because of my comfort in the idea of being without them. Knowing that I am fulfilled within myself enables me to move forward without the fear of loss. And so my footing is established.
Part of that footing is understanding my own criteria to invest in some one. This requires recognizing the difference between boundaries and core values. Boundaries are fluid structural agreements where as core values reflect a fundamental element of who we are.

If the participants of a relationship both have solid footings than they are better prepared to pour a lasting foundation in my opinion. Of course, as in my case with Redpepper, the building of foundations can also coincide with the curing of footings. As I was faced with new and very different ideas I was encouraged to dig deeper into who I was internally. The result was an even greater footing. It was shaky at times which threatened our foundation but the love I had for her gave me the determination to push through.

In short, the key element to my footing is acceptance and confidence that I am whole without anyone else. That gives me the strength to stay true to myself. Therefore my partner gets the best of who I am because I am motivated out of love in being with her and not fear of losing her.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-23-2010 at 07:17 AM.
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  #917  
Old 11-23-2010, 05:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Developing footings-

If the participants of a relationship both have solid footings than they are better prepared to pour a lasting foundation in my opinion. Of course, as in my case with Redpepper, the building of foundations can also coincide with the curing of footings. As I was faced with new and very different ideas I was encouraged to dig deeper into who I was internally. The result was an even greater footing. It was shaky at times which threatened our foundation but the love I had for her gave me the determination to push through.

In short, the key element to my footing is acceptance and confidence that I am whole without anyone else. That gives me the strength to stay true to myself. Therefore my partner gets the best of who I am because I am motivated out of love in being with her and not fear of losing her.
Hmmm, This is the part I have difficulty with. In my situation it was T who was helping with this aspect of myself... I used to say to both T and K, that T had an ability to reach down deep inside me and bring up the ugly shit that I need to deal with, and just lay it out for me... there it is.. work on it - figure it out...

Not that I am incapable of doing this myself - its just a much much slower process by myself - I don't ask the right questions - I don't stop to ask a question that should be asked - half the time it doesn't even cross my mind...

A good example was when I first started figuring out I was poly - he made the comment that if something wasn't cool with my partner, then it shouldn't be cool with me... this started a round robin of deep questions which triggered off the final question of "At what point does my own happiness mean enough to me, to push what I want, what I need.... at what point am I allowed to ask to be completely happy, At what point is it ok for me to be not cool with not being me...." which ended in a hung discussion because of course both/all partners needs must be taken into equal consideration

Thanks for the response btw - much food for thought... will likely come back with more questions
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  #918  
Old 11-23-2010, 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
A good example was when I first started figuring out I was poly - he made the comment that if something wasn't cool with my partner, then it shouldn't be cool with me...
Ultimately "footings" are independent structures uninfluenced by other people. They are essentially us with only ourselves..how we are alone, what we feel is right for us, what our fundamental character is and requires to be healthy. Foundations are more the stuff that take into account the needs and characteristics of others.
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  #919  
Old 11-23-2010, 07:34 PM
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Default Footings/Foundations

Exactly...

I was having great difficulty reconciling the two... My footing was that I needed to have free and open communication with whomever I chose, whenever I chose, about whatever I chose...

This was "not cool" because my partner was having trouble with the depth of communication and the amount of time it was taking up (despite that it was not taking any time away from him)

For me - it was communication I NEEDED as well as WANTED... I was in the process of discovering things about myself, I was gaining strength and insight from this (To me this would equal the development of one or more footings)
BUT was having difficulty processing it and communicating that to my partner...

What was lacking was a solid foundation that I would communicate what I could as I could... I was hurt by what I perceived as a lack of trust, rather than a need by my partner to be involved in what was happening...

Have I got that concept correct in the way you have been terming things Mono?
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  #920  
Old 11-23-2010, 09:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
Exactly...

I was having great difficulty reconciling the two... My footing was that I needed to have free and open communication with whomever I chose, whenever I chose, about whatever I chose...
That would be a footing as I see it It's indipendant of external influence and reflects a part of who you are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
This was "not cool" because my partner was having trouble with the depth of communication and the amount of time it was taking up (despite that it was not taking any time away from him)
Definitely a foundation aspect. There is room to adjust and be worked on to achieve but the core value is always constant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
For me - it was communication I NEEDED as well as WANTED... I was in the process of discovering things about myself, I was gaining strength and insight from this (To me this would equal the development of one or more footings)
BUT was having difficulty processing it and communicating that to my partner...
I think you have been pretty clear in the need present. This is a foundation ingredient in my opinion but it needs a compatable ingredient from your partner to solidify....that is why he needs to identify the aspects of his own footing. Does he have a matching ingredient that can be worked into the mix?
One solid footing is usually not enough to properly build a foundation. Sounds like it might be his time to look inside at who he is without the influence of anyone else.
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