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  #121  
Old 11-20-2010, 01:38 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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.

Have you met your wife's bf?
Oh yes! We met properly at the end of the first month. But we had been talking by phone and text since the second week. We had to have a channel of communication between us to help sort out problems. Then we had a big breakthrough between us about week 8. We see each other now and then in passing. We talk whenever we feel the need to. We do need to get together a bit more but it is difficult with my work hours till after Christmas. We are taking it slow but we started off from a position of respect for each other.
About what Redpepper said, we had to tell our children very soon after it started. The bigger ones had worked it all out anyway but it is the talking to them about it that is important.
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  #122  
Old 11-20-2010, 01:42 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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It's the little things that upset me. Seemingly stupid little things like Z hasn't had a glass of wine here at home with me in so long I can't remember the last time. But with J here he all of a sudden wants to be included as if she makes it a special enough occasion, whereas I don't.

.
It's always the little things and it's hard to tell ahead of time what those are going to be. I got all territorial in my head over hubby's OSO sitting in my seat on the couch. It was stupid and petty.

I think you're in need of being made to feel special. It's so easy just to fall into the regular comfortable pattern with those whom we live with and it can be difficult to remember to show them how much you love and appreciate them. Having the OSO around just makes it all the more obvious. It might be good to have a talk with your husband and give him some ideas about things that make you feel good and loved and special. A few ideas are good because then it's not like you're telling him exactly what to do.
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  #123  
Old 11-20-2010, 01:49 AM
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@ RP, I don't think J would like that either. She is a very private person (hasn't told anyone) and I don't really think it's my place to interfere.When I've tried in the past she has pulled away. She really hasn't come to terms with the whole polyamory deal herself. When she's here we do this strange little dance of denial where she is "just" a good friend to both of us, that Z has a cuddle with now and then. I know it sounds odd but I've tried confronting her about it and now I just accept that this is how she wants to play it. In many ways she is a mono making do with a poly relationship but hoping a proper mono relationship will come along. She is also very anti conflict and is afraid I think of conflict arising. I'm giving her the benefit of going at the pace of the slowest participant.

@Derby :-) you remind me of Sheldon on Big Bang Theory.

Last edited by sage; 11-20-2010 at 01:57 AM.
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  #124  
Old 11-20-2010, 02:13 AM
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Is Sheldon a good thing or a bad thing?
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  #125  
Old 11-20-2010, 02:21 AM
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lol,I'm sure you're nothing like Sheldon but he was very obsessed with his position on the couch
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  #126  
Old 11-21-2010, 12:28 AM
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I am feeling much better than I was when my husband first told me he wanted to swing! I now feel like he is truthful when he tells me he really will keep me posted on all relationship prospects and developments. He told me today that he had a lunch time meeting with an older woman in her 50's and that he doesn't know if it will go anywhere, but he would like to explore the relationship further. Just knowing he really will talk about what is going on with him for real makes me feel better! I know how much he loves me because he has stayed by me (though not exactly without conflict) coming out of the birth of our son, my most recent illness episode, and my need to resolve wanting time to really be a mom, but still keep some toehold in the work world. I am down to three meds and hope soon it will be down to no more than two for the bipolar disorder. I am realizing more and more that my real fear in our relationship, was not of sharing him, but rather of being totally sidelined and irrelevant to him! I am also enjoying watching his bond with our baby boy grow. When my husband comes home, my boy demands to be held by him, by crying until my husband is the one to hold him, then he instantly stops and smiles. There are definitely friends I have known/know where I wouldn't be distressed if something romantic happened between me and that friend, but neither do I feel an overwhelming need for that to occur, so I am fairly happy in mono-ness for now (I am pretty sure the persons in question are too conventional to approach about poly in that regard).
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  #127  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:09 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I think you're in need of being made to feel special. It's so easy just to fall into the regular comfortable pattern with those whom we live with and it can be difficult to remember to show them how much you love and appreciate them. Having the OSO around just makes it all the more obvious. It might be good to have a talk with your husband and give him some ideas about things that make you feel good and loved and special. A few ideas are good because then it's not like you're telling him exactly what to do.
Good point Derby! Sage I am truly hoping things are working out and the grumpiness has subsided. But I agree with Derby...I think you do need to let J and Z know that you are feeling "invaded" a bit and need to feel special...especially during a visit. Appreciated for you being you and being ok with this poly aspect of your life. It is the little things that cause the most resentment. So nip it in the bud, all you can do is make them aware. What they do with it is up to them. But everyone needs to have the conversation.
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  #128  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:56 PM
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Hey MG, glad to see you back, I've missed you and wonder often how things are going for you guys?

Fortunately that grumpy post was just one little period of our weekend with J. Writing it made me aware of how I was feeling and the caring feedback from Derby set me straight.

It was actually a highly successful weekend and I'm now such an un-struggling mono that I'm even closing down polyamorous people. The final post on there goes into more detail.

Z got the job he was going for in Brisbane (yes big Australian city :-) ) so we're in the big moving process. J and I even had a conversation about her maybe coming to live with us over there for a 4-6 month stint while she has some work commitments.
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  #129  
Old 11-27-2010, 05:50 PM
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Hey MG, glad to see you back, I've missed you and wonder often how things are going for you guys?

Fortunately that grumpy post was just one little period of our weekend with J. Writing it made me aware of how I was feeling and the caring feedback from Derby set me straight.

It was actually a highly successful weekend and I'm now such an un-struggling mono that I'm even closing down polyamorous people. The final post on there goes into more detail.

Z got the job he was going for in Brisbane (yes big Australian city :-) ) so we're in the big moving process. J and I even had a conversation about her maybe coming to live with us over there for a 4-6 month stint while she has some work commitments.
WOW! Closing it down. I am happy for your journey's end- to a point. I did love reading it and getting perspective. But you have a really exciting life now and you deserve the happiness for which you worked so hard.
Brisbane sounds like an adventure. Must get there for a visit.

Things for us are still a bit of a struggle. Lots of things that developed recently that kind of set Kat and I back a bit. BUT, 2Rings and I are very much stronger because of it and have come to appreciate these struggles and overcoming them as proof that we are committed to eachother's happiness.
Hubs and I are really looking forward to the holidays. Time with the kids is flying by (soon they will be leaving the nest and that kind of scares me). But my family is happy and healthy. Had a long discussion with 2Rings lastnight about our collective futures. We have no idea what tomorrow brings, but we are sure it will be together in some configuration.
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  #130  
Old 11-27-2010, 07:39 PM
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@MG
I really admire your tenacity. You must really love 2rings to hang in there through all the turmoil. I honestly don't know if I could do it.

We don't have Thanksgiving down-under but I think we should. I find it baffling that we have adopted Halloween (which is silly, with seasonal differences pumpkins are nothing but tiny seedlings and we have all these kids wandering around as witches in full sunshine due to daylight savings); and yet we don't do Thanksgiving which would be a really nice idea.

However in the absence of a formal Thanksgiving I would like to acknowledge my appreciation of the uniqueness and loveliness of my metamour. We are really different in many ways, but have enough in common to build a solid and rewarding relationship I think.

It's a really interesting dynamic in that I would not have naturally chosen her as a friend, but that is what she has effectively become. It hasn't always been easy. I've had to learn to communicate at her pace, which is very different to mine. I'm an out there, up-front and very open, what-you-see-is-what-you-get type; whereas while she appears to be open and friendly she is actually very private and guarded.

It's taken lots of patience and perseverance for me to understand that this isn't dishonesty but a defense mechanism built up from deep hurt sustained over the years.

She is the the most fragile member of our V and as a mono-primary that has been a surprise for me. But by moving at her pace I am allowing her to open up and feel more secure in Z's love for her and my acceptance of that. It's actually quite a beautiful process and one that I am very thankful for.
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