Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-23-2010, 02:34 PM
TroubledWater TroubledWater is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
Default </3 Triad relationship breaking...

New to the forum....greetings and all that!

I found this site and thought some people here might be able to grant some advice on a poly relationship that's become problematic. Im normally not the type to seek advice...I feel in control of my life most of the time. But I don't see a way around, over, or through this problem, and I thought an outside perspective might help.

I've been with two wonderful, beautiful women for a little over a year now. One of them I was with for a number of years prior to the formation of the triangle. The other was an old friend I'd had feelings for over the years, and who, after all these years, I finally fell in love with. The last year has been idyllic. Everything I could ever have wanted, much of which I never realized previously that I had wanted, I have experienced. I feel love so profound for my girls that it tears me apart at times simply trying to express something that words or actions never could.

When it began, it was my long-time partner who encouraged me to pursue it. I told her everything...how I felt, when we first kissed...and every step along the way, she spoke to me as excitedly as if we were high school girl friends gossiping. With her holding my hand, I entered into a romantic, and then a sexual relationship with my new girl. The two of them were shy about each other for about the first six weeks, and then we had our first night together as a triad. After that we were all very close. We took trips together, we shared a bed when my new girl was with us, we would stay up as late as college kids just talking.

Our new girl had a kid, and after a tough divorce, she was down on her luck financially. Our house had room, so we took her and her daughter in. We have a three bedroom -- one bedroom is ours, one was an office, and one was basically storage. We both got laptops and hardly ever used the office anymore, so we just cleared out the storage room and the office and made a bedroom for each of them. My first girl was overjoyed. She loved our girlfriend's daughter and was pleased to get them out of their one bedroom rat trap across town and into a nicer place. We got the little girl into her new school, got them set up in town.

Then something changed. I still have no idea what, and can't even imagine. But one day my long-time partner comes home and seems very distant. She goes up to our bedroom and I don't hear from her for a while. I go up and find her crying. Attempting to comfort her leads to a four hour, very emotional conversation in which she essentially breaks up with us. All she can tell us are vague, break-up things...I'm not happy, we seem to want different things, I don't want to be here anymore...nothing really specific. Nothing about WHY she isn't happy, or WHAT she wants that's so different. She goes so far as to say she doesn't love me anymore, though she's since recanted (and restated, back and forth). She's still with me (not so much US anymore), and things will start to seem better, but then they will fall apart again. We will get along well, all three of us will go out somewhere, hold hands, smile, have fun, and then two days later I'm crying in my new girl's arms again because my other has once again gotten stressed and spent an hour explaining that she doesn't want to be here anymore. It's such a roller coaster and I have no idea what will happen.

But one thing has started to become clear: She regrets the formation of our new relationship with our new girl. She has questioned it, though she hasn't said that outright, but it is becoming more obvious to me all the time. She wishes she hadn't let me fall in love with this girl, wishes she hadn't invited her into our home, wishes she hadn't gotten involved with her herself. So now it seems clear what is going to happen, and I have no idea what to do.

I'm going to end up having to choose.

I don't think either of them will say "you must choose between us." But my first girl, the one with whom I have shared my life for eight years, is going to leave. Despite my eternal optimism, I feel this deep down. She will leave us...leave me. Though I may be able to stop it by forsaking my new love. It's not certain, of course; she could still leave. And any problems we had before would still exist...and she would have to deal with me pining for my other love, which would bother her, and could drive her away again. There are also things I want that such a decision would render impossible. With this new girl I've started to discover myself sexually, and have found that I have very strong desires -- needs even -- that my old love simply will not fulfill. I think I make a great case for my new love, but there's one thing that spoils the ease of the decision: I love this girl, with whom I have shared so many years, so much it hurts. I am attached to her on the deepest level. She is part of me. I could no more live without her than without a vital organ. I love her so deeply. Life without her seems cold and bleak. With my new girl I would be happy, sexually satisfied, and I would get the pleasure of exploration and adventure both sexually and romantically that I've never had the opportunity to experience. And I would get them as long as I want. Other things I want, like children, well...I could still have those things with her. But she's still new, and we have our problems, too. It's not perfect. And I would miss my first girl forever, I know that. It also feels like if I chose her, and her more exciting nature, her more sexual nature, her more adventurous spirit, that I would be choosing THAT over the powerful feelings I have for the first girl. In a base sense, it feels like choosing SEX over LOVE. This is not true, really, because the new girl (representing sex) I am also in love with. But as I said, it's still only a year old and I have no where near the depth of feeling for her that I do for my other love.

One more thing to share here. My first girl has said repeatedly that she wants to move out, but does not want to leave me. She seems to feel that being separated, and having some independence, will make her feel better. I could live with this, though I feel like I'd be rather unhappy with it. The problem is we cannot afford to set her up elsewhere. We share a house together, and we do well, but she works part time (sorta...she's "full time" at 32.5 hours) and does not pull in a large income. She couldn't hope to support herself. Maybe with a little more income, I could afford to help her, but it would break my heart to work hard so that I can make myself more depressed.

So, there's my very long-winded story. I greatly thank those of you who stuck with it, and implore you for some sort of advice, sentiment, even a little pat on the back for some kind of encouragement. Can I salvage this somehow? Must I choose? Should I let my long-time love choose for me? Has anyone ever left someone after that long, still so deeply in love with them? If so, how do you live with it? I can't breath just thinking about being without her. Would I be a complete monster to send her away after so much time? Would I be a complete monster to send away my lover and her daughter, who is quickly becoming a daughter to me, too? Would my first lover be a complete monster for WANTING that, if indeed she does?

Thanks....
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-23-2010, 03:48 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,525
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TroubledWater View Post
But one day my long-time partner comes home and seems very distant. She goes up to our bedroom and I don't hear from her for a while. I go up and find her crying.
This is the big red flag for me. Issues this big don't just appear overnight. It is more likely that things have been unbearable for a while and she hit her breaking point. There were probably a million signs that were ignored or overlooked. Adding another adult and a child is a lot of stress. You two need to seriously sit down and talk, when she is calm, and find out what the real problem is. It would be good to hear her side of the story.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-23-2010, 04:09 PM
TroubledWater TroubledWater is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
Default

I recognize, of course, that this was a red flag. And we have spoken on the topic many times at great length (with a few days of downtime in between once in a while, as it is very emotionally taxing). She does say that she has been unhappy for a long time, which is hard to believe, given how happy she used to seem. I know her very well, and when she's lying, I know it. When she was smiling and laughing and dancing on the table for us, this wasn't an act. Maybe she was trying to push the pain aside, but like I say, I know her...she's just not THAT good at it.

I understand that the addition of the extra people is a huge stress. It has been for me, too. But I love our girl and her daughter, and so does she. And it was, like so much of this, her idea in the first place! She was the one who was crying in my arms saying we should help them, give them a better place to live. There's nothing wrong with regretting a decision, but then, they haven't been that stressful. It's not like her daughter is just running around breaking things and drawing on the walls. She's an energetic kid, but a good girl. Their presence itself might be what causes the tension, but I just don't know. And if we talk about it and she doesn't TELL me that, all I can do is guess at it.

She speaks in such abstract and vague terms. She always has. It's never as simple as "the stress of adding these two people to our household has pushed me to the breaking point." It's always "I want to go somewhere else...I don't feel right here, I was things elsewhere" without a WHY she doesn't feel right, or WHAT she wants, or WHERE she wants to go. And it changes, too...today she wants to move out, tomorrow she wants all of us to move to a new place together...next week, who knows?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-23-2010, 04:49 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,525
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TroubledWater View Post
It's never as simple as "the stress of adding these two people to our household has pushed me to the breaking point."
Of course it's not. She has probably been dropping vauge hints all a long that there are issues and no one has picked up on them, so in her mind she is being ignored. It is easy to forget that small sarcastic remarks, curt replies, etc don't always get picked up by the other person's radar, nor do they carry the same weight to a person without the same emotional turmoil behind it.

It could be that the ladies are not compatible living together, she is feeling neglected, she just needs more alone time, it could be anything. Only she can tell you, but it will take work on both your parts to get to the heart of the problem. When you are talking and she is trying to tell you something, repeat back to her what you heard her say. There may very well be a gap in the translation that neither of you recognize.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:40 PM
TroubledWater TroubledWater is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
Default

That actually sounds like decent advice. Thanksgiving is in two days. We'll be going to spend it with my family as usual, while our girl and her daughter will be with their family. We will have several days together, most of which will be spent out of the presence of the other two. I think it might be good to take advantage of those days to get some quality "alone time" with her. Would dramatic, romantic gestures be too much? Take her to the city where we met, eat at our old favorite restaurant, things like that?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:47 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

well for me personally dramatic romantic gestures by my husband are never too much...
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:51 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,525
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TroubledWater View Post
Would dramatic, romantic gestures be too much? Take her to the city where we met, eat at our old favorite restaurant, things like that?
Probably a good idea, but you know your wife does she like those things. If anything, it would show her that you are thinking about her.

No cell phone when out with your wife! Nothing more annoying than being on a date and have your partner start ignoring you to exchange texts someone else. Arrange specific times of day to talk/text with your other girl.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:52 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
No cell phone when out with your wife! Nothing more annoying than being on a date and have your partner start ignoring you to exchange texts someone else. Arrange specific times of day to talk/text with your other girl.

WORD!

I HATE when DH texts with his online babes when he's out with me!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-23-2010, 07:01 PM
Danny40179's Avatar
Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 241
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TroubledWater View Post
Would dramatic, romantic gestures be too much? Take her to the city where we met, eat at our old favorite restaurant, things like that?
I can't imagine where any of these things would be too much. Most if not all women are going to appreciate you taking that much time and putting that much thought into doing something special for her.

I'm sorry that things are rough right now, but that doesn't mean it's the end. COMPLETELY OPEN and honest communication is a key so make sure you keep having those talks. However, and this part sucks, sometimes people just don't end up together. Much like you I can't imagine not having my girls around, but I also know that sometimes things happen and people change.

I wish you the best of luck.
__________________

Live life to the fullest 'cause you never know if you're gonna wake up tomorrow!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-23-2010, 11:45 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,033
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Probably a good idea, but you know your wife does she like those things. If anything, it would show her that you are thinking about her.

No cell phone when out with your wife! Nothing more annoying than being on a date and have your partner start ignoring you to exchange texts someone else. Arrange specific times of day to talk/text with your other girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
WORD!

I HATE when DH texts with his online babes when he's out with me!
YES YES YES YES...
I freaking HATE that.

All for keeping in touch-but appropriate time and place is not on a date.

In regards to your situation-I'm SO right where you are at the moment-except my husband has already moved into a motorhome at his bosses office in order to be out of here.

I wish you the best of luck!!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
triads

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:37 AM.