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  #11  
Old 11-23-2010, 03:49 PM
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'Compromise' will always be justs that; deals you have made that you suffer through and martyr yourself for. Sorry, I have no help in that's department. If you are wanting to discuss boundaries? I have a world of knowledge on that one as I am in a similar configuration and raising a kid just fine.
The boundaries we have, all of us together ere discussed, all of us together. My boyfriend knows and is fully on board with the fact that there is a child here and his metamours feelings, just as my husband and I realize the same thing.
Perhaps you all need to work together to come up with some boundaries that you are all comfortable with.

Your child will be fine. Adults need to have their own thing going on so kids can see they also can. I suggest you have your thing going on too. Its just healthy.

As to NRE? Well, that is a hazzard that comes with the territory. It ends and life normalizes.
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  #12  
Old 11-23-2010, 05:07 PM
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I am wondering why you are getting married? Poly doesn't FIX a relationship. Existing relationships need to be very strong prior to introducing poly as a new dynamic. It creates a lot of stress and additional issues that a struggling relationship would have trouble overcoming. It sounds like you two need to do some serious work on your relationship prior to getting married. Have the problems been resolved or are they just being pushed aside and ignored?
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  #13  
Old 11-23-2010, 05:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I am wondering why you are getting married?
I was wondering this too. Redpepper and I just talked about your situation and were concerned about the motivation behind taking this step. Hopefully you are not hoping that marraige will end the poly aspect of your partner and relationship. I don't mean to offend but what is the purpose of the planned marraige in your mind? Is it to create another level of bonding and declare your relationship or is there possibly a control issue?

Just thoughts my friend.
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  #14  
Old 11-23-2010, 05:42 PM
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Did you have an idea that marriage would mean the end of poly? Did you hope that you would become her primary and therefore have more say in what she does? Primary does not equate that, but some people assume that.

Are you both trying to make a point to each other somehow? That she really loves you because she committing? That you are a better man than anyone else?


There seems to be something a miss here. Maybe not. I could be completely wrong. Hopefully you'll get to the bottom of it, if there is, before getting married. Marriage does not make these things go away.
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  #15  
Old 11-23-2010, 09:34 PM
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thanks for the concerns and yes we have concerns too. gf always wanted to get married so this is my way of saying I am in this for the long haul, I am committed to her and our daughter and to keeping our family together because I love them both dearly. she has to deal with new relationship and trying to fit that in to her life with work and young family so that is why I felt that a break from poly might work. I feel the other relationship is more important to gf than work or family or wedding and that is our main issue. we are trying to come to some compromise and create boundaries about poly while also planning a wedding and giving our young daughter what she needs. I am at home babysitting now while she is with OP so I am trying to be as helpful and supportive as I can.
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  #16  
Old 11-23-2010, 09:43 PM
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Perhaps having her come on here and reading about the affects of New Relationship Energy would help her understand herself, her actions and their affect on your family. Her blinders are on it seems.
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  #17  
Old 11-23-2010, 09:47 PM
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I'm going to stick my neck out here -

It IS babysitting - if it is resented... through 15 years of marriage during which I babysitted our children - I was NEVER invited to go out, it was not my choice to stay behind... I was never offered a babysitter - and if I suggested it I would get the 'what kind of mother are you spiel' - big difference from the average situation I know BUT the point I make is if they can't afford a babysitter or if the OP is ALWAYS looking after the child without being asked or offered a babysitter (or at least offered equal recreational time without the child) so he can do something else - it IS babysitting or at least single parenting...
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  #18  
Old 11-25-2010, 04:27 PM
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I wonder if a boundary of only being with one significant other at a time and keeing it vanilla would work?
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  #19  
Old 11-25-2010, 04:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
I'm going to stick my neck out here -

It IS babysitting - if it is resented... through 15 years of marriage during which I babysitted our children - I was NEVER invited to go out, it was not my choice to stay behind... I was never offered a babysitter
But it WAS your choice to have kids, no?
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  #20  
Old 11-25-2010, 06:49 PM
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But it WAS your choice to have kids, no?
yes I love my daughter and I don't mind babysitting I just think we both need to be working on family and that should be our priority at the moment
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