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Old 11-22-2010, 09:04 PM
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Default Polyamorous just in words or actions too

I'm struggling.

Maca and GG talked and agreed that we could all go out to some holiday get togethers . They agreed that it was ok to acknowledge verbally that Maca is my husband, that GG is my boyfriend.

BUT-

Maca can't handle any sign of physical affection (hand holding, kissing, hugging, running fingers through hair, head on shoulder, kiss on cheek or top of head, etc) between GG and I....

SO it's ok to SAY he's my boyfriend publicly, but I'm supposed to act like he's not even my best friend....????

Yeah-that doesn't work for me.
I don't even know how to explain where I'm at. I just flat don't find it ok. I'd rather just not go anywhere with both of them together.

In point of fact, that's exactly where I'm at right now, I don't even want to be at home with BOTH of them right now. Becuase I find the whole of it so fucking taxing.

Thoughts?
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Old 11-22-2010, 09:29 PM
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hugs to you LR, wish I had something more helpful... but thats all I got right now - big huge squishy hugs...
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Old 11-22-2010, 10:22 PM
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hugs to you LR, wish I had something more helpful... but thats all I got right now - big huge squishy hugs...
Ditto.
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Old 11-22-2010, 10:42 PM
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Thank you for the hugs. In this frigid weather they are even MORE appreciated!
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Old 11-22-2010, 10:51 PM
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*more big hugs*

I can certainly understand your frustration with the situation. Loving them both means demonstrating love to both of them, right? Perfectly natural.

But, given everything that's going on with Maca right now, and all the unresolved issues he's trying to work through, I can also understand how observing you being affectionate with GG would hurt Maca.

The situation stinks, no doubt about it, and my heart just breaks for all of you. I'm so sorry for y'all's pain.

So what to do? I don't know, except to try and put myself in your shoes. If it were me, there's no way I'd be willing to restrict my affectionate nature forever. I'm very demonstrative and I know I couldn't pigeonhole that part of me indefinitely. I just couldn't do it. But I would be willing to refrain from physical displays of affection for the short term if it meant helping Fidelio work through his issues, strictly as a show of support for him. I would need to clearly define the parameters and I would need a definite ending to the restrictions, but I would be willing to try it for Fidelio. And I wouldn't want the first time to try out the new boundary to be a big-deal holiday event with lots of friends and family present. I'd prefer to test the waters when there was no pressure, a simple dinner date or some such. So that if it didn't work, we end the date and no harm done. At least, I THINK that's what I'd try to do.

Whatever y'all decide and however it works out, here are some good vibes and hugs going out to all y'all.
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Old 11-22-2010, 11:25 PM
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Fidelia,

Part of my issue is that I AM ok with taking a "time out" to work on things.
However, this is something that hasn't changed in 14 months.

Maca says he wants to be here, with the family. But he doesn't take time to consider what that MEANS.
He says he accepts that GG is my boyfriend-LIVE IN BOYFRIEND at that, but he doesn't take time to consider what that means.

Maca would be FURIOUS if I were to go to his Christmas party-and not be affectionate with GG, then go to GG's party and not be affectionate with Maca, but wouldn't that be more "reasonable" if we're only going to show affection to ONE person-then it should be the one whose peers we are with?
(I find the whole thing absurd).

FURTHER MORE-
Maca is TOTALLY ok with kissing and making out with other women in front of other people when I'm around, in point of fact even when one of our son's parents happened by, he continued to do so as I spoke with that parent (who hasn't a CLUE about poly or our lifestyle). He specifically said he didn't give a DAMN what they thought.

He recognizes that he has a double standard there and he acknowledges that it's not fair or reasonable.

GG and I aren't the "make out in public" type of couple anyway-we wouldn't do that. It's not something we're comfortable with.
So the level of affection that we're talking about is very minimal. We rarely french kiss if there is an "audience".

But, Maca expects that we are not to do ANYTHING that suggests the type of relationship we have-in front of him.
AND
He expects that any time he's available-I'm with him...........

So for example this week, I didn't get any time with GG. All week. A "group xmas spree" that Maca planned for ALL FOUR of us-turns into GG walking alone behind us the entire day. No playful banter, no talking, no acknowledgement that he's even WITH US, all day? Damn near 12 hours.

We live together, but we can't kiss goodbye before he leaves to spend the night elsewhere?


It really pisses me off. Seriously pisses me off.

The more months that go by-the more pissed off I get.

Maca has a date planned with his "other" coming up. Imagine that-I don't work, so it's AUTOMATICALLY a time he could be spending with me. He wouldn't dream that it might be an issue. In point of fact, while he did tell me that they MADE plans (not that they wanted to-they HAD ALREADY) he did NOT tell me anything about when, except what day.
The truth is that I don't mind-but I DO mind that he expects me to be ok with that, when he is NOT ok with me making plans with GG.

I made plans with GG to go out WHILE MACA IS AT WORK on the 3rd. We're going Christmas shopping. I got attitude from Maca. He'll be AT WORK. It's not time we can spend together ANYWAY. But he's still jealous and pissy because I'll be with GG.

It just never ends and it's fucking ridiculous.

My sister keeps saying-make a choice, then stick to it.
I agree with her.
He says he can't deal with the dynamic, then he says he's all in and he's going to work on it, then he can't deal with it, then he's all in, then he can't deal with it... etc.


The truth is that what he wants is to choose a path that will be easy, comfortable and enjoyable the whole way.
BUT
that doesn't exist. We live on earth. Every choice we make requires work at some point. We have to do the work to get the pleasure. He's not willing to do the work.

He wants to have his cake and eat it to. It's that simple to me.
It's ironic-he says that about me because I want both him and GG.

But I'm willing to do the work, make the allowances, take the time, put in the extra effort.

He wants me. He wants me to be his everything. He wants me to do it all his way. He wants me to fit into the vision he created of marriage when he was a child
AND
he wants me to make it happen so that he can just glide along enjoying it.

Well-
WTF?
It's not MY dream.
It's not MY plan.
It's not to MY benefit.
So why precisely would I want to do that?

AND I already HAVE busted my ass to make things as easy for him as possible and found that it only results in more demands, more strictures, more insecurities in him and a mental breakdown in me.
He knows that-he says he doesn't want to go down that road again etc etc etc etc.

OK-SO YOU HAVE A CHOICE-
A
OR
B

It's not-a matter of being able to have A, in the world of B or have B in the world of A. Those aren't options.

If he can't handle me, the REAL ME, then he needs to just say so and we can move on to whatever it is he can handle. Friends? Aquaintances? Fuck buddies? FWB? what the hell ever.

But continuing to tell me, he does love me, does wnat to be with me and does want to make THIS family work, not A FAMILY, but THIS family work while simultaneously insisting that he can't deal with GG is BULLSHIT.

(Fidelia-I wasn't at all upset with you, I hope you know that my frustration in this post isn't about YOU at all. XO)
It's a copout.
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Old 11-23-2010, 12:09 AM
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I'm trying to give you a laugh LR, so please take it that way when I *give you the use of my CLUE-BY-FOUR* which is used to hit the clueless, or those who aren't seeing reality, upside the head so they CAN see the clues or reality!

Many hugs & positive thoughts headed to the very frozen north!
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Old 11-23-2010, 01:28 AM
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If this has been going on for so long and he just can't handle it, I think maybe he's just not worth the hassle. Seems like he won't really change his mind and always have his double standards. Personally, I'd leave him on his arse and let him live his own way, but I wouldn't want a thing to do with it. Seems like it would be not just you, but also GG getting the hard end of this. I say you and GG go away and live it the way you're wanting to.
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Old 11-23-2010, 02:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Fidelia,

Part of my issue is that I AM ok with taking a "time out" to work on things.
However, this is something that hasn't changed in 14 months.
Did you say FOURTEEN MONTHS? Geesh! I was thinking I could refrain myself from PDA's for maybe a week, two max. Then revisit the issue. Fourteen months? With little or no forward motion? Good heavens! No wonder you're at the end of your rope!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
(Fidelia-I wasn't at all upset with you, I hope you know that my frustration in this post isn't about YOU at all. XO)
Of course not, Beloved. And I hope you know I'm just trying to help. O's and X's right back at you.
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:51 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Did you say FOURTEEN MONTHS? Geesh! I was thinking I could refrain myself from PDA's for maybe a week, two max. Then revisit the issue. Fourteen months? With little or no forward motion? Good heavens! No wonder you're at the end of your rope!

Of course not, Beloved. And I hope you know I'm just trying to help. O's and X's right back at you.
I do know-that's why I wrote-I knew everyone would be caringly HONEST.
Sometimes it helps to just hear things from someone else so you know it's not just in your own head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
If this has been going on for so long and he just can't handle it, I think maybe he's just not worth the hassle. Seems like he won't really change his mind and always have his double standards. Personally, I'd leave him on his arse and let him live his own way, but I wouldn't want a thing to do with it. Seems like it would be not just you, but also GG getting the hard end of this. I say you and GG go away and live it the way you're wanting to.
It's not quite as easy as that, we have 5 kids and the youngest is 3. BUT-I do understand your point, quite well.
I told him tonight-life is simply a series of choices-make a choice and live it-stop spinning in circles whining about what the choice is, it's wasting your time (and mine).
AND-
yes, GG and the kids and Mimi all do get the hardest end of this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I'm trying to give you a laugh LR, so please take it that way when I *give you the use of my CLUE-BY-FOUR* which is used to hit the clueless, or those who aren't seeing reality, upside the head so they CAN see the clues or reality!

Many hugs & positive thoughts headed to the very frozen north!
Thank you Breathes-I did take it that way.
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