New from Chicagoland area, needs advice!

[Erin]

Redpepper:
::wow::
I'm very happy to read your thoughts too. This is turning into a sleepless night before work tomorrow. Going to the other man would resemble being rescued - I bet thats why he wont respond to me. I will begin the preparation process so its easier later. That dinner thing actually happened tonight. He even said as we went to bed, "You know, I've been pretty nice to you all day." And like usual, I said nothing in response because I didnt want to argue. How the hell have I been so blind?? I feel stupid, but now I'm wising up. I'm pretty surprised and upset I didnt stop this crap sooner. Well I can only work on my future. This has been one hell of a weekend!!

[redpepper]

Well, maybe if you change up the game he will take notice and either start smartening up because he will realize he will lose you, or you will see him for who he really is and realize you are better off without him.

[Erin]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Well, maybe if you change up the game he will take notice and either start smartening up because he will realize he will lose you, or you will see him for who he really is and realize you are better off without him.

I already know it'll be the latter of the two because changing the game only gets us into fights. It's okay. I'm coming to terms with it. He has many good qualities, but we've grown apart and do not share the same bonds to keep it going any more. It will be very painful as I do love him and I know he loves me. We just cant make each other happy anymore.

[polynHR]

Originally Posted by Erin

Hmm... I'm scared of being unfaithful and then getting caught. He'd throw everything on the lawn. I used to think he had cheated as I am never able to really know the locations of his side jobs in construction. I doubt he is at the moment. He's always home but definitely clears his internet history. I find it so odd that a grown man never asks for sex. Isnt that weird??

Erin

Yes that is weird that a grown man never ask for sex. I'm willing to bet you that he his cheating. You see when he called you over weight he was just trying to justify to himself a good reason for sleeping with someone else. Secondly unless he is masturbating everyday then he has to be. As far as knowing you should look for the small things. Like if he goes on a side job does he come home dirty. Construction is a dirty job so his close would have to show signs. Secondly if you know he his on the computer go into the room he in and if he immediate clicks off the page then he definitely doing something wrong. Also there is software you can put on your computer that will save every, website page, email, instant messaging, documents access and everything else you can get of the computer. Its a key logger software called Web Watcher. Its sells for 97.00 online. This is just a suggestion if you really want to know. Also if he has a cell phone and has it password protected then that may be a sign as well.

Originally Posted by Erin

I know he is controlling - mind controlling. When I call him out on it, he blames that I'm too sensitive. I'm more mindful of it now more than ever and it causes fights and tension.

Stop allowing him to control you. The reason he claims you are sensitive is because you are challenging him on something that threatens his self esteem. I know this because I was that way with my own wife. Through counseling I was able to work through my issues. As a man we are taught that if we aren't in control then things will not get done. So his controlling is more about is self esteem as a man. Challenge him and make him stop, do not bag down to him it does no good. Let him know that him being sensitive does not make him less than a man.

Originally Posted by Erin

The more I talk about the details, the more I realize I need to get out before it really turns ugly. The man I'm pursuing wont talk to me now. He insists I discover who I want to be before he lets me into his heart again. I don't think he's controlling - I think he doesn't want to be the rebound to spoil what could be a really good thing.

Erin

Stop it, this man is also controlling, and he may not deserved someone as nice and pleasant as yourself. Please stop pursuing him and work on getting out if that what you really want. Red Pepper had a good ideal about making a list of things you need and have. Save your money and get out. If you come up with a plan and put one foot in front of the other you will soon be walking out the door. Focus on leaving and once you are out then turn your interest toward finding someone who accepts you for you and how you feel both mentally and sexually.

Kelvin

[Erin]

Hi Kelvin, I am still so thankful you are still responding! Nice to hear a man's perspective. Please say thanks to your wife for helping me, too.

Originally Posted by polynHR

Yes that is weird that a grown man never ask for sex. I'm willing to bet you that he his cheating. As far as knowing you should look for the small things. Like if he goes on a side job does he come home dirty.

I am so bothered that I've married a man who has no sex drive unless I pursue it. Do I think he's cheating on me at this very moment? No. But I suspect he has in the past.

His behaviors on side jobs vary. He wears his junky work clothes/ drives the junky work truck on all-day, dirty jobs. He wears normal clothes/ drives his own truck on quotes and short jobs. He doesn't always come home with cash/check to count because he oftentimes has quotes / unfinished jobs to return to. I used to think he was cheating all the time as it is impossible to know every single location where he goes. He gets referral phone calls all the time, so I know he does work. I see the money, too. Still, I had no proof he was unfaithful, so I eventually accepted his behaviors as genuine. I don't know what to think now, though.

And I won't put any software on his computer because I'm sure it's just porn. That doesn't bug me - I probably watch more than him anyway! LOL

Originally Posted by polynHR

Stop allowing him to control you. The reason he claims you are sensitive is because you are challenging him on something that threatens his self esteem. Challenge him and make him stop, do not bag down to him it does no good. Let him know that him being sensitive does not make him less than a man.

I understand what you mean about the male / female control struggle. I'm glad you were able to learn more about yourself when you went to counseling. I'm sure your wife is happier, too. It's always a competition for us. He has watched me turn into an educated woman, and I think he feels threatened by that. He refuses to go back to college, so he has little excuse to hate his job. When I challenge him or "call him out" after he insults me or cuts me down, he argues back even more or blows it off as if it's no big deal. It really bugs me because I know I'm not an idiot. I've learned to just take it and keep my mouth shut - I'd rather be quiet than keep the arguement going. I joke to myself, "I'm being trained to keep my mouth shut." It just separates me further from him - spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I sound like such an idiot typing this out. Amazing what "love" will let one tolerate over time.

Originally Posted by polynHR

Focus on leaving and once you are out then turn your interest toward finding someone who accepts you for you and how you feel both mentally and sexually.

It pains me to say this, but I will not pursue the other man any further. I'll wait until I'm on my own and ready to date again. I fear "getting caught" and losing everything in the D. But I won't stop dancing!!

You're right, so I've decided to seek a counselor who specializes in marriage / sex counseling. I need to fix me before I can move from this situation. I'll invite my husband to attend later sessions if he is interested. But for now, I'm doing this for ME!

I am forever grateful to have discovered this forum!!

[Fidelia]

Sounds like the beginning of a plan. Good for you, Erin!

I'll bet you'll be happy and healthy and whole before you know it!

[Erin]

I'm exhausted. I've asked for two things for Christmas: a newly refurbished laptop (because recycling is good for us), and marriage counseling. I wonder which one I'll get.

[polynHR]

Erin

We are here for. Remember the race isn't given to the fastest or swift but to the ones that endure the longest. You have already won, in ten years of marriage you managed to get your degree. What is your degree in btw? Where as he doesn't have a degree. So he may be a little envious of you. So keep your head up and stay strong. You are always in our thoughts and prayers.

Kelvin