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  #11  
Old 11-22-2010, 01:13 AM
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@ SNeacail-

I know I need to talk about how I feel with her, but the issue is that

1) I'm not even sure seeking someone for affection while she is absent is something I want. I don't feel it would be fair to the other person, because I think that I would be sitting there thinking. " I wish she was W." But then, I could be wrong. I might fall madly in love with someone else. I have no idea because I have no basis of experience, I've never dated outside my marriage.
I honestly don't know what I want in this department, so bringing up a topic I'm still confused on seems like high risk, low benefit.

2) when I agreed to walk this road 2 years ago, I promised that I wouldn't "use what she is doing as reason to sleep with someone else." The situation she is in is drastically different from the original almost triad we were in, but the fact I promised has not. She just had a fight with my metamour over him contemplating the same, dating others while she is away, and it didn't go over well. He made no such promise to her, and she still reacted poorly.

*sigh* This shit is awful complicated. I shoulda been a swinger instead
This multiple love thing is a hell of a lot of work.
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  #12  
Old 11-22-2010, 01:16 AM
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** Another thing I hate, but this about me.... That I can see what is happening when she can't. P is falling for her/ or already all in. She is all his for the next 4 months, and his feelings for her a becoming evident in that new environment. I'm not sure if she is there yet, but she very easily could over the next few months.
** I don't like it, but it isn't up to me. Adapt or be left behind
** Their relationship will flourish while I am gone, and that scares me. I keep praying that I won't fuck ours ip anymore than I already have. I need to find a way to help our love stay lit while I an gone.
** *What an odd thing, to be chasing your wife of 13 years. I fight against it, because I don't want to be clingy. I hate clingy. I'm not sure how to act when I feel that need for her with the fear of losing her at the same time.*
** *It is those moments when I freak and do things I regret.*
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  #13  
Old 11-22-2010, 03:03 PM
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I've been with my wife for 12 years and I've never thought of myself as clingy because I told her that I loved, needed, or wanted her. She's your wife, that's exactly how you're supposed to feel.

I'm a little concerned with her responses to you. When my wife and I first embarked on this journey we knew that we had to take things slow and figure things out as they came up. We didn't have sites like this at the time, and really didn't know anything about polyamory. But we knew that WE were going to be together no matter what. So if this was how we were going to live our life, then we needed to make sure that along the way we each were always secure in our feelings for each other.

That meant that if there was a woman that she wasn't comfortable with, then I backed off and my wife and I talked. We talked about why she was uncomfortable. We figured out what the issues were and then figured out what we needed to do to resolve them. It doesn't seem to me that your wife is doing that part very well.

Which brings me to something you said in an earlier post. That you felt in your gut that things were changing. After 13 years I'm sure that there is a reason you're feeling that way. Your wife needs to stop and listen to what you're saying or I'm not sure this is going to work.
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  #14  
Old 11-22-2010, 06:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyotherB View Post
@ SNeacail-

I know I need to talk about how I feel with her, but
Not talking to your wife will just put more and more distance between you. It really doesn't matter if you don't know what the problem truely is or don't have the solution first. Just talk more! Ask for her help in finding a better solution, this will force her to look at what she is doing from a different angle and it's not just you complaining anymore. I do speak from experience in this matter .

To help with feeling connected to her, try simple things like sending texts or calling (daily if possible) to simply say that you miss her or that you lover her. This really helped me when I was feeling distant from my husband. It does need to go both ways.
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  #15  
Old 01-18-2011, 11:10 PM
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Default Been away, for a good long while.....

This one isn't pasted from my iPhone... I've been too busy to keep up with a journal, but here I am again with insides all a churn and my head a mess.
I have been gone from home for 2 and a half months now. W moved back home before my spot on our bed even had a chance to cool off. I never can really understand how to feel about the fact that she leaves home so fast after I deploy. I don't know whether I am hurt that she is so quick to run away from our home (and in my head, from me) or to be touched that I mean so much to her that she can't stand to stay in the empty house where I am supposed to be.
Or to be paranoid and let the jealous bug tell me that she's eager for her opportunity to run free (this voice is the quietest, but only because I tell it so loudly to shut the fuck up.)
I am having difficulty coming to terms that I have just spent months alone away from home while the love of my life has spent the time with another. It is difficult when she is with P for a night or away for a week.
Can our relationship endure the seperation AND the additional cast? How did things get to be where I am so worried about this other person? I have this feeling in my gut that I'm not being told things. Details of events are being left out. I used to get daily e-mails while I was away. I'm lucky to get 2 a week lately. The letters I do get are generally short and almost feel like they are more out of a feeling of obligation rather than a genuine interest in communicating.
W was very unhappy a few days back. Moody after a trip to our home and back with P, during which they slept 2 nights in our bed, which bothers me, whether it should bother me or not. But more so than that, I was bothered by her response to my asking why she was so upset.
Her response was more along the lines of, "my bed is empty" than, "I miss you".
I was crushed.

I very well might be acting neuorotic. I have been known to jump at shadows. I routinely over-think and over analyze things. Not to mention, getting a feel for someone's emotional state is pretty damn hard over e-mail messages, and leaves a whole lot of room for poor interpretation.
I keep coming back to the question of why I am doing this. I love my wife very much, but this is a whole lot of pain for me, and very little benefit. I continue to endure it because I desperatly want her to be happy.
Here comes the but.

I want to be happy too, and I'm starting to wonder if I can be happy in this arrangement. I've been wondering for a while. When this all started almost 2 years ago I was naive'. I didn't think I was capable of jealousy. I thought it would be wonderful to share my amazing wife with someone else, so that she could get all the affection and care she deserved.
I thought it wouldn't affect me. About that I was dead wrong, but I rationalized that her being happy was worth my discomfort (or whatever adjective it is that best suits how the situation is affecting me)
The real problem here is that I don't know what it is that I want. I only know what I don't want.
I don't want her to change her behavior because of me. She has and always will be free to make her own decisions. I know what it is to feel resentment, and I would rather her leave me to be with someone else than stop seeing someone because of me and resent me for pushing her to do so.
I don't want to be alone. I don't want to need affection and not get it. I don't want to feel like I am sitting around waiting for my turn to be petted.
I don't want to feel like an obligation or a burden.
I don't want my relationship with my wife to end. I didn't want it to change either, but I knew when this started that it would. I'm not happy about it. I cried about it. I had that moment of heartbreak months ago when I realized things would never be the same between us as they had been for all these past 13 years. She will never be all mine again.
But she was never all mine in the first place, right? It is just hard to let old ideals go.
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  #16  
Old 01-19-2011, 04:58 PM
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Has anyone else been in this situation? Mono to a poly partner, and forced to be away from them for months at a time due to other obligations? I could use some insight. I don't know how to explain where my head is at right now. I feel foolish for feeling neglected. How is my wife supposed to "pay attention to me" from 2500 miles away while I'm at sea on a submarine?
Who can I feel like she is distracted? Simply because her e-mails are short? It makes me feel like I'm a head-case, that I'm chasing shadows, or that maybe I'm just not cut out for sharing her heart with someone else. Or her time.
But then in the same breath, I don't want her sitting there miserable, pining away for me and waiting for me to call/write. Then again, that is exactly what I want. It makes NO SENSE.
Maybe I just need to go lift something heavy over and over again until I collapse. Idle hands, muddled mind.
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  #17  
Old 01-20-2011, 03:27 AM
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I hear a panicked cry for help, here, brother. I've never been on a sub, uh, that's not moored, so I don't know what that does to you. I've been around the military for most of my life, though, up to having a son in the Corps and helping his girlfriend through deployments. Here goes.

Take a deep breath.

When you're talking about how you feel, it could be me writing. The twisted gut, the feeling of hopelessness, the panic, the not knowing what to do. You didn't mention it, but I bet you have insomnia, too.

My wife is poly. I'm mono. I liked her having sex with other guys because it was just kinky sex. But then she realized she didn't like casual sex, she's poly. Now she's in a relationship, and has been for about five months. At first, I didn't have any trouble with it.

Then the insomnia started. She was getting attached to him. It was less fun. They talked about a threesome. They talked about wanting me involved. But I felt very left out. It was the exclusion from this important part of her life. I felt lonely and lost.

Whenever I tried talking to her I let the emotions get out of control. The anger and the hurt and the paranoia all fed on each other, and she picked up on it. My own mind (because of an insanely stressful time at work) generated all kinds of accusations and things to worry about. We fought. She went to him. I felt worse.

I would text her, but she wouldn't respond. She wouldn't console me by telling me what I wanted to hear (good for her). It left me feeling like she was hiding things. That made my feelings worse.

I felt the same way you do. I wanted her to be happy, but it hurt and I wanted her to end it. We talked about boundaries, but I didn't want to make her feel caged because of me. Things were going tango uniform, no pun intended.

Several things turned it around for us.

First, reading here helped us both to understand what was going on.

Second, we started talking when we weren't emotionally charged. That helped a lot.

Third, I accepted that her time was her time and my communication with her would be limited.

Fourth, I started hanging out with him. And him and her.

Not perfect, but things are much much better now.

If you want reassurance, I'd say the fix is a lot inside you. You're completely capable of resolving this. You have to look inside yourself and get comfortable with you.

If you want to talk privately, PM me. I want to help you out.
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  #18  
Old 01-22-2011, 08:28 PM
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What really bothers me, is that I can tell that she is holding something back. I've known her for a very long time. The smallest of changes in her behavior stand out for me. I know that she has been struggling with P to get him to open up. He has been cautious with his heart, and that has been the fulcrum of an emotional see-saw for the last few months.
Now she isn't talking to me about Phil. She isn't talking about anything or anyone else either. The most reasonable explaination in my mind is that something has happened, or is happeneing, that she doesn't want to tell me about.
I've been spending a lot of time chewing on another concept. One that was impressed upon me here while I was asking for help while W was in California while I sat at home.
I often see on this site that the partner that is sad or struggling needs to "work on themselves" or "find their own happiness". While I understand the concept, where is the point of responsibility for the other partner.
Are we not supposed to try and make our spouse happy? Is my problem that I've too long put my spouse before myself, and that is why I am unhappy now?
W understands that her relationship with P is difficult for me, that I am still unable to accept it without pain. But she continues anyway, which means that she has decided to put her happiness first.
How can a marriage last if both partners put themselves first? I don't see how a relationship can continue like that. There are things I want that I have denied myself because I know that they would hurt W or make her less attracted to me. Do I pursue these anyway because they are what I want, and just hope my relationship survives it? It seems to be the method she is taking with me in regard to P.
The whole concept of not sacraficing for my spouse is foreign to me. The problem is that right now I feel like I am the only one giving anyything into our relationship. While she is doing a great job handling our buisness back home, and I appreciate that, putting effort into our buisness and putting effort into our relationship are not the same.
My love tank is on empty.
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  #19  
Old 01-22-2011, 09:06 PM
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How much have you had a chance to talk to her about all this? She really has her work cut out for her if she wants to make it so everyone is comfortable. I think that requesting that of her is completely okay. If she loves you and cares about you then she will do as you ask and attempt to negotiate better boundaries.

You seem to be asking for daily emails, some loving words, and attention to your needs for closeness when you can't have that physically. Am I right? Is there more that you need? I would request that those needs be met in order for you to feel loved and explain to her exactly what you need to here and how much. Maybe she is just unaware of what your love language is.

Perhaps this link will be helpful.... sharing it with her even more so.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-...ove-languages/
http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp
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  #20  
Old 01-22-2011, 09:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyotherB View Post
The problem is that right now I feel like I am the only one giving anyything into our relationship. While she is doing a great job handling our buisness back home, and I appreciate that, putting effort into our buisness and putting effort into our relationship are not the same.
My love tank is on empty.
Have you told her this?

Sometimes, it can be overwhelming to know that your partner is giving up stuff they enjoy (as long as it's not self destructve) for you. What do you need from her to feel love (irrelevant of her other relationship), more time, more honesty, appreciation, etc?
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