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Old 08-22-2009, 07:19 PM
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Hello, new guy here.

I just read a Newsweek article on polyamorists in Seattle today (http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164/page/1) and was actually offended when they said that polyamory is a choice whereas homosexuality is not. When my wife and I started being poly it just kind of hapened, and it felt right and natural. We are definetly poly and have had a relationship with another couple for over 8 months now. I don't feel like we made a choice in this as much as a gay person decides to be gay. And many gay people have been in heterosexual relationships or marriages before they found their right path.

We are the new kids on the block and so far everyone is just discounting us. I've lost friends, my job (and subsequently my home), and family over my wife and I being openly poly, I wish it was just some choice that I could just sweep under the rug like other choices I could make in my life. But it is who my wife and I are. We feel natural this way.

If it is just a choice, then being gay is a choice. All homosexuals could choose to not be gay and have "normal" hetero relationships and families and deny what they know is true in their heart. It would be just the same for us if this was just some choice.
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Old 08-22-2009, 08:19 PM
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Hi,
Welcome to the forum.

You should take a look at the thread in general discussion "is polyamory a decision...."

I think for some it is a choice, and for others not. You can get a taste of that from the thread.
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Old 08-22-2009, 09:40 PM
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Yes, Welcome!

Sometimes, it's necessary to clearly define things so we know what it is we're talking about in this whole choice discussion.

Polyamory can mean several things at once, with these several things all being in agreement with one another. Or not.

By "I'm polyamorous," one can mean that they desire to live a "lovestyle" that involves loving more than one person at a time -- a non-monogamous lovestyle.

It's also quite valid that a person may "choose" such a lovestyle -- probably because this is how their desires run, anyway. But, obviously, the choice here is not to suppress or repress the desire to live this lovestyle.

It's also possible to have this multiply loving tendency, or desire, and to choose not to live it or otherwise act on it, and to be or remain monogamous. A person may choose so for any number of reasons. And so, clearly, one does have a choice in the matter.

In the case of so-called "homosexuality," "heterosexuality," and "bisexuality," does one have a choice as to which sex(es) one finds oneself attracted to? No! One simply discovers these attractions, and this discovery is never reported as having the quality of a choice. (I simply realized, as a child, that I could have a "crush" on both boys and girls, and throughout my growing up years I simply found myself attracted to both sexes -- but usually to other guys.) So-called "heterosexuals," likewise, discover their "heterosexualty," and do not choose it.

So, are some people "naturally" poly-desiring while others are "naturally" mono-desiring? That would be a tremendously difficult thing to decide or determine -- given the FACT that almost everyone is heavily indoctrinated all through their lives with the docrine of monogamism (the belief that monogamy alone is "natural," healthy, proper, and correct --
and that nonmonogamy is either drastically inferior or "disgusting"... "morally wrong"). With the "nurture" part of the nature-nurture interaction tilted so heavily in this way, I'd expect only a relatively few brave souls to attempt to pioneer alternatives to monogamy in an "out" (open) way. I'd expect a lot of closet cases, but still a minority of the population. And I'd expect a lot of comformity to the expected, almost demanded, norm. Taboo is a powerful way to "keep people in line".

[Please do not confuse monogamism with monogamy!]

I'd say its premature to answer the question, but suspect that if polyamory were generally accepted as as valid and acceptable, and as worthy of celebration as monogamy, we'd see a LOT more polyamorists in the world than we see at present. And we'd still see plenty of monogamous people. The same would be true with regard to sexual orientation, I presume. Many "bi"(desiring) people are in our midst who believe themselves to be heterosexual! They've simply repressed part of their sexuality/affectionality. I've known many people who "awoke" to their "homo" attractions/desires in their thirties and fourties.

Politically and socially, does it really matter whether we claim that poly is or is not a choice? What we need is a culture where we can happily and safely live as we wish, so long as our living so harms no one. Polyamory, per se, has never harmed anyone. How could it?
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Old 08-24-2009, 04:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elocutionist View Post
I've lost friends, my job (and subsequently my home), and family over my wife and I being openly poly, I wish it was just some choice that I could just sweep under the rug like other choices I could make in my life. But it is who my wife and I are. We feel natural this way.
I'm so sorry for this! wow! that is really aweful!
Is there anything you would of done differently?
I have told my co-workers and friends... some of whom have made themselves scarce as a result, but I am going with that they are busy and don't want to interrupt... naive maybe, but handlable.

Mono, my other primary is not known to my parents and my husbands who lives down the street and we occasionally grapple with the idea of telling them. Mono has become a fixture on our lives and although it has got them all thinking, they like him a lot and are getting used to his presence. Is it worth telling them? I don't know. I think they will just find out one day and we will have to say something. We need to sit and discuss what we would say I think, and how much.
Any ideas on approaches that might work?
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Old 08-24-2009, 04:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elocutionist View Post
I've lost friends, my job (and subsequently my home), and family over my wife and I being openly poly, I wish it was just some choice that I could just sweep under the rug like other choices I could make in my life. But it is who my wife and I are. We feel natural this way.

I would find it hard to believe that your family is actually "lost". Hold firm in that. The friends you have remaining are the ones that were always truly your friends. The others have some serious self analysis to do. Losing your job completely blows me away!

Every step backward is merely a running start to a huge jump forward in my opinion..you are in for one large jump my friend..trust in that

Take care and be you
Mono
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Last edited by River; 08-24-2009 at 03:48 PM. Reason: quote code repair
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Old 08-24-2009, 03:50 PM
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I hope y'all don't mind when I repair the quote code. I'm not changing any posts in the least, but frequently folks muddle up the quote codes, so I jus' fix 'em.
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Old 08-25-2009, 04:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
I hope y'all don't mind when I repair the quote code. I'm not changing any posts in the least, but frequently folks muddle up the quote codes, so I jus' fix 'em.
Not at all....fill your boots dude.
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