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Old 11-20-2010, 10:17 AM
Pantheist Pantheist is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 8
Default A long story

Hi everyone!

I seem to have found my way into a very tricky situation, and I very much need the advice of an experienced Poly friend. Since I don't have any of those, I found my way here. Unfortunately, the problem has a lot of moving parts. To get decent advice, I need to make sure you, my readers, have a clear picture of the problem. So, I'm just going to start at the very beginning and work my way to the present.

About half a decade ago, I was a happy and proud young man. I was both openly Poly, as well as Bisexual. I had two relationships going, neither serious, and had just started on a third. I was very good at following the poly code of ethics. All my partners new about the others from the very beginning.

Over the next six months, my partners drifted away, until there was only the third one left. She was young and extremely inexperienced with relationships. She was innocent, joyful, and amazing. She was also Heterosexual and Monogamous. I was totally in love, but I told myself I would still embrace another relationship as soon as I had the opportunity. She started dating me as Poly, and she would just have to deal with me being Poly again. The problem though, is that I didn't find anyone for a long time.

So, four years go by. I never did stumble across a partner, but I wasn't really actively looking either. Even though I only had one partner, I still considered myself Poly, and even though she was female, I still considered myself Bisexual. I have done my absolute best to nurture her self-esteem, and develop an atmosphere of complete honesty and openness in our relationship. As the years have passed, we've occasionally talked about looking for other partners, but she gets really nervous (and sometimes very upset) when we do. Aside from that, we live together harmoniously, and our relationship has been wonderful.

Then I meet someone. The new girl is Poly too. The NRE is intense, but I suppress it hard. I start really pushing the Poly agenda with my girl, I really want to date this new person. I know that my girlfriend would feel better about me being poly if she had other relationships, but she isn't interested in other relationships. So we develop a compromise. She argues that she would feel better in a poly relationship if she were Primary and the other relationships were Secondary. It's not how I prefer to do things, but I don't think it sounds impossible. I agreed. We decided to get married.

Now the marriage ceremony has been and gone, several months ago. The new person that I wanted to date has become a good friend of mine, and often sleeps over on our couch. The new girl has feelings for me in return, and has developed a strong friendship with my wife. My wife knows how I feel about the new girl, everything is out in the open. I have tried to breach the topic of Poly again, but wife insists she is still not emotionally ready. I respect that. I've been a very good boy. The three of us have dinner together, and talk, and share the events in our lives, and it feels intimate, but the new girl and I can't touch each other. No hugs, cuddling, kissing. Nada.

At this point I'm very frustrated. I don't want to keep pushing, but I'm worried that my wife is just procrastinating out of fear. I don't want my wife to just 'give in' and be torn apart by guilt and jealousy. I would very much prefer her to accept the situation and embrace it. I really can't imagine a more supportive, or more caring person to have as our first 'secondary'.

So now I'm looking into the future and trying to decide my next move, but I see the possibility for disaster everywhere. At the moment, I feel paralyzed. The closer I get to making everything work, the more dangerous the situation seems to become. I still love my wife very much, and I want to share the rest of my life with her, but every day I fall a little harder for the new girl, and this 'touching' gap might as well be the grand canyon.

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