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Old 11-18-2010, 05:57 PM
NorCalK NorCalK is offline
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Default Sex in a triad... Is every party always present?

So I am involved in a three-way relationship with a couple that has been together for six years. All of us have been dating for four months. Last night we had a perfectly awful argument that I may vent about on here in the future, but the catalyst for said argument was that my boyfriend complained that he didn't like how sex is initiated between all three of us the majority of the time. This is the scenario: usually when I am over at their house, me and my girlfriend are on the bed watching TV and/or on our laptops, reading, studying, doing origami... whatever. Our boyfriend is sitting at a chair in front of the computer playing video games or whatever. Often I initiate sex with her (kissing, touching, etc.) and then we ask our boyfriend to come join us. He complained that he wanted to be the other party gets initiated sexually more of the time, which sent me and her into a tizzy initially because a) he is always on the computer, obviously the closer physical proximity between me and her would make us naturally turn to each other first, and b) he definitely mandates more attention during sex than either of us, almost always needing his genitals touched. So this bring up my question for all of you who have ever been in a triad... Does having three-way sex as the primary sexual interaction in the relationship work? Or would it be worthwhile to perhaps work out some kind of schedule in which in addition to the sex my gf and bf have when I am not over, since they live together, we work out some schedule in which I can have sex with him separately at some point, I can have sex with her separately at some point, and we still have sex all together but less frequently? Please help! Advice needed.
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:34 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You can do whatever you want.
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:39 PM
NorCalK NorCalK is offline
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You can do whatever you want.
I would like some input on whether or not anyone had run into the same problem, how others in a triad arrange their sex lives, etc... Obviously I can do whatever I want, but I was not raised to have to deal with the dynamics of both a boyfriend and a girlfriend so input from others who have dealt with this situation would be great.
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:58 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Give and Receicve! If he wants to be on the otherside of the equation then you must communicate with him why it is not happening.

Dominating in the 3sex is not something that I'd let continue there are three of you it takes longer for everyone to be satisfied and it can be an on going process of fun I see Wifey and Nik going at it even after I have reached orgasm when they are done I want more and nik watching me and Wifey after she has reached orgasm makes her want more...so on and so forth. So nip the all about me and my nuts crap in the bud soon.

As far as the separate sex in theory this seems to be something that should happen naturally but in reality it depends on the comfort level of all involved. In my triad we only have sex when it is the three of us. This way there is no one feeling like someone is getting something they are not. I know at some point we will evolve but I'm happy with the current status as of now. But you should discuss it with your partners to see if that is something that can be put into action.

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Old 11-18-2010, 07:52 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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One size does not fit all, and your mileage may vary. Any configuration can work, and any configuration can fail.

What works for my tribe may not work for y'all. The three of you need to find what will work for your particular situation. This may mean some experimentation, some trial-and-error, some give-and-take. My advice is to try lots of different approaches until you find the one that works best, and keep plenty of Lube handy. (Are you there, Imaginary? Can a sister get an amen?)

That's the main thing I wanted to say. Since I'm posting anyway, I'd like to add:
If your bf wants to be the initiator, he should initiate. ( what a revelation). This will be easier in bed with his lovers than at the computer.
If you feel your bf is insisting on too much of the sexual attention, you should express that and work with your lovers to a find a solution that works for ALL of you.
Scheduling sex doesn't work for me, never has, but I know for some people it's the way to go. Again, one size does not fit. all. Try it out; if it doesn't work for y'all, try something else.
And finally:
As y'all are working through these issues, try to keep in mind all the people who would LOVE to have this be the big issues they're working on!
Good luck to y'all as you move forward, and happy solution-seeking!
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Old 11-18-2010, 08:12 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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What was the fight about? I'm having trouble seeing how what you have mentioned would create a fight. Maybe the internet/gaming thing? Is he one line too much do you and the gf feel?

In the threesomes I have had with my men its been me who has said I would be interested and then they work it out to make it happen. They set the scene and I take the bait and initiate. Ha! Rhymes! Maybe you should set the bait so he can initiate.

As for group sex all the time, I would think that would wear thin at some point. Its only been a short time, perhaps its time to evolve into something that gets everyones needs met more. Time to start communicating needs and boundaries again perhaps?
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Old 11-18-2010, 09:45 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Not sure if this is gonna help, but here's my experience. I'm also in a triad, however we all live together and sleep in the same bed. Believe it or not, sex with all of us works just like it did when it was just my wife and I. By that I mean, it happens when it happens.

We don't have a schedule or anything like that. It did tend to lean towards most fun times happening on the weekends because that was when we all had free time together. There were always romps that happened either first thing in the morning, or at night before bed, and sometimes it was all of us or any combination of two.

For us, having to schedule sex took something out of it. BUT, that's how things worked for us, that's in no way saying that it will be the same for you. As many have mentioned communication is the key. Have a talk about where he's coming from. Good luck!!
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Old 11-18-2010, 11:11 PM
NorCalK NorCalK is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What was the fight about? I'm having trouble seeing how what you have mentioned would create a fight. Maybe the internet/gaming thing? Is he one line too much do you and the gf feel?

In the threesomes I have had with my men its been me who has said I would be interested and then they work it out to make it happen. They set the scene and I take the bait and initiate. Ha! Rhymes! Maybe you should set the bait so he can initiate.

As for group sex all the time, I would think that would wear thin at some point. Its only been a short time, perhaps its time to evolve into something that gets everyones needs met more. Time to start communicating needs and boundaries again perhaps?
We got into a fight because he brought up yet another instance in which he feels like he needs MORE attention. The fact that it was closely related to the sex act itself, which he always insists he needs more attention during, really set us off. He is constantly saying during sex "Can someone touch me? Can someone grab my penis?, etc." IF he's not being touched. And believe me, my gf and I make an effort to always have his genitals in the action. It is frustrating to us because there is plenty of times when our genitals are not involved during sex but we don't complain and still have fun. He was even saying at one point that if he's "not hard, it's not fun". PolyTriad, I wish my boyfriend could have a man-to-man with you so that he gets his preconceived notion that ALL guys feel the same as him out of his head. I was under the belief until I met him that guys are not always hard during foreplay, and that's okay. I would really like him to think of ways he could change his love-making style to more sensual rather than penis-oriented. As I suspected, he rarely, if ever, goes down on his gf without needing simultaneous reciprocation (69ing). Yet if we are all having sex and one of us girls is going down on him we don't insist on 69. Most of the time, the other girlfriend gets down there and helps her out with the BJ! He just has this mindset about sex that is radically different for us and, quite frankly, I interpret it as somewhat selfish.
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Old 11-18-2010, 11:31 PM
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Don't most men in threesomes with women think they are their for their pleasure. To be pleasured by them? Perhaps he is too invested in that fantasy to realize its not all about him and that there is actually something very sexy and gratifying about giving and just watching and helping. Have you had this kind of talk with him?
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Old 11-19-2010, 12:05 AM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NorCalK View Post
We got into a fight because he brought up yet another instance in which he feels like he needs MORE attention. The fact that it was closely related to the sex act itself, which he always insists he needs more attention during, really set us off. He is constantly saying during sex "Can someone touch me? Can someone grab my penis?, etc." IF he's not being touched. And believe me, my gf and I make an effort to always have his genitals in the action. It is frustrating to us because there is plenty of times when our genitals are not involved during sex but we don't complain and still have fun. He was even saying at one point that if he's "not hard, it's not fun". PolyTriad, I wish my boyfriend could have a man-to-man with you so that he gets his preconceived notion that ALL guys feel the same as him out of his head. I was under the belief until I met him that guys are not always hard during foreplay, and that's okay. I would really like him to think of ways he could change his love-making style to more sensual rather than penis-oriented. As I suspected, he rarely, if ever, goes down on his gf without needing simultaneous reciprocation (69ing). Yet if we are all having sex and one of us girls is going down on him we don't insist on 69. Most of the time, the other girlfriend gets down there and helps her out with the BJ! He just has this mindset about sex that is radically different for us and, quite frankly, I interpret it as somewhat selfish.
Wow...I'm so opposite! I'd love to talk to him. Doesn't he understand how fortunate he is to not only have one woman willing to put up with that but 2 He wouldn't survive with Wifey and Nik.

I need peach in my mouth as much as I can get...my ladies have to put me in weird positions to get at my snickers while I'm down on one of them....I can care less about my pleasure because I'm focused on theirs I'd like to think they are thinking about mine (I know they are)...but It doesnt matter I can achieve orgasm just from eating a peach matter of fact I get them both naked and go back and forth between both of them all night and keep my cloths on...I do this often until they are exhausted into sleep. When they want to "hungry? Grab a Snickers" One of them in most cases ends up sitting on my face while the other enjoys her snack. But I'm a giver very much selfless in bed

@Danny I agree that naturally works best! Sleeping in the same bed helps or cuddling on the couch.
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