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Old 04-20-2009, 09:30 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Hi. I'm a full-time mom to two kids, married for a long time to one partner. Recently, I've become aware that another couple with kids would like to be polyamorous with us--not swinging, which we don't do, but actually long-term grow-old-together family. I'm familiar with polyamory through close friends, but their relationship did not work out and some people argue that it was because of the polyamory. I'm a bit nervous, and hoping for some support and advice. Finding forums is what I do when I need that.
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:02 PM
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River River is offline
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Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
.... Recently, I've become aware that another couple with kids would like to be polyamorous with us--not swinging, which we don't do, but actually long-term grow-old-together family.
Hmm. If you all know each other as friends and everyone feels mutually interested in this sort of an exploration, how nice! I can't even imagine couples "dating" other couples, however -- in the sense of getting off on the foot where there's a desired outcome other than friendship, or whatever. It's just too complicated for me! But then, I think "dating," per se, is really weird, anyway. I like the idea of hanging out with a person and seeing if you can be friends, and if you can be friends and there is an interest--as friends--in swapping kisses, great! But I think starting out with a plan is just weird, and too complicated--especially when compounded by numbers.

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I'm familiar with polyamory through close friends, but their relationship did not work out and some people argue that it was because of the polyamory.
When monogamous relationships don't work out, is it the fault of monogamy? Most folks would think that's just silly to suggest that it must be. But why should polyamory be declaired the reason a poly relationship didn't work out?

LOTS of mono- relationships don't work out!

Last edited by River; 04-21-2009 at 09:32 PM.
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Old 04-21-2009, 09:25 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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As has already been pointed out, the types of relationships we have has nothing to do with how long the relationships last. Relationships grow close and distant, change in form, and begin and end when they do, and that is all due to how the people involved work at them or not, grow together or apart, and generally find their lives changing.

I think it short-sighted to enter into any relationship without understanding that it may turn out in any of a myriad of ways, none of which are easily sussed out prior to starting. Cultivate them and nurture them as best you can, with an eye to the long-term possibilities to have the greatest chance of success.

To use a carpenter's rule of thumb--measure twice and cut once. Consider every step involved with merging families with a careful and patient eye, then do it again before advancing. Step by step, consider what the effects are of what you're doing and adjust as necessary.
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:37 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
Hmm. If you all know each other as friends and everyone feels mutually interested in this sort of an exploration, how nice! I can't even imagine couples "dating" other couples, however -- in the sense of getting off on the foot where there's a desired outcome other than friendship, or whatever. It's just too complicated for me! But then, I think "dating," per se, is really weird, anyway. I like the idea of hanging out with a person and seeing if you can be friends, and if you can be friends and there is an interest--as friends--in swapping kisses, great! But I think starting out with a plan is just weird, and too complicated--especially when compounded by numbers.
In the interest of brevity, I didn't give you enough information. We have been friends with this other couple for two or three years. At some point, we started hanging out together a lot, and for the last year at least we've practically lived together for part of the week. Within the last few months, Oblivious Me has finally become aware that both of the other couple has feelings for me and my husband, loves my kids, and wants to be a great big family. If there was a plan--and I was recently told that there wasn't a plan--it wasn't communicated to me in a manner which I understood.
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:45 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Hi Lemondrop. I responded to your comment on the Fear of Loss Thread.I didn't realize that you were both polyamorous at that time..that makes a huge difference!

I'm actually breathing easier not thinking about you and your husband on different paths LOL!

My lover, Redpepper, is in a similar situation in that her and her husband are both polyamorous. I don't have any experience from your perspective and so will remain silent
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Old 05-04-2009, 01:00 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I hope you know that I've been craving lemon drops. Years without even thinking of them and now this....
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Old 05-07-2009, 09:53 PM
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MonoVCPHG--Well, I didn't *intend* to be polyamorous. I guess we met the right people at the right time, and I adapted because I love them and want to be with them. I still have a lot of monogamous thought processes that I'm trying to get rid of so that my relationship can be happy.

SeventhCrow--LOL I'm sorry! If it helps, it's a reference to lemondrop shooters, which is what I was drinking the night that our quad all realized we wanted more than friendship.
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Old 05-08-2009, 01:50 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I will be honest..the idea of having to get rid of mongamous thought processes in order to make your relationship happy doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to change my nature really..maybe just so it would be easier on Redpepper in some ways. I can't change my nature..that would be like telling a gay person to become straight...not gonna happen for me.

You obviously have a great deal of love for him. If I didn't love Redpeper with all my heart I couldn't bear the fear or anxiety I feel at times. I am very secure and safe with her and the relationships she has, so much now that I am afraid to just let myself go and be completely at ease...that would be oblivious wonder...

Just make sure you take care of yourself too. I hate seeing people get dragged along because they think they have no option.
Take care, love with abandon, and be true to yourself!
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Old 05-08-2009, 02:28 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Lemondrop-I remember years ago now when I met my husband that I had been a five year relationship with a woman who is now my closest and dearest female friend. I would continue to be in a relationship with her if she were not monogamous. I met my husband through her and the three of us were so loving of one another that we decided to be poly. It lasted awhile but ended in tears and our hearts being ripped out when my girlfriend realized that she could not do it and is mono. Her heart was constantly hurting and the jealousy was too much for her. Now she is a constant part of our lives. She helped me birth my son and stays at our house like she has always lived here. My husband goes to visit her at her house as do I. My son calls her auntie. We have no sexual relationship with her anymore and haven't for years.
my point is that there does not need to be sexual content to a family style relationship. You can chose family and be close without involving the sometimes confusing, hurtful and destroying aspects of sex. I agree with monoVCPG... be careful and stay true to yourself... I worry about the dynamics of your situation. good luck.
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Old 05-08-2009, 03:58 AM
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nikkiana nikkiana is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
MonoVCPHG--Well, I didn't *intend* to be polyamorous. I guess we met the right people at the right time, and I adapted because I love them and want to be with them. I still have a lot of monogamous thought processes that I'm trying to get rid of so that my relationship can be happy.
I think this statement could be taken one of two ways... so, I wanted to clarify what you mean...

I noticed a few people are taking this to mean that you yourself are monogamous and trying to make yourself fit into a polyamorous mold to make the others in your relationship happy... and they were disturbed by the implication, and rightly so I think... Forcing yourself to be something you're not isn't healthy and is going to lead toward resentment....

However, I found myself reading it a little differently... I read this to mean that you feel you are polyamorous and you want to make it work, but there are years of social conditioning from living in a culture where monogamy is the norm that you need to work through that to getting in a place where you feel comfortable.... This is healthy, I think... and it takes time.

I just wondered if either of those boats were the one you found yourself floating in... and Welcome!
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