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View Poll Results: Does one couple being married in a poly relationship work?
Yes 12 63.16%
No 2 10.53%
I think so... 3 15.79%
Only if... 4 21.05%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 19. You may not vote on this poll

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  #21  
Old 11-16-2010, 06:30 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
If you've tried repeatedly, it's up to her to respond. If she won't or can't, the three of you can't move forward. It's her move.
I will agree that Wifey has stepped up to the plate but she steps out if she doesn't get her desired pitch.

-For example Wifey wants to spend more time with our girlfriend she will step up and say "Girlfriend...I'd like to spend more time with you" Then she waits for Girlfriend to set up some time they can spend. Instead of saying "Girlfriend I'd like to spend some time with you...how about Saturday evening?"

You have to step up to the plate and try to hit all pitches.
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  #22  
Old 11-16-2010, 06:46 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
I will agree that Wifey has stepped up to the plate but she steps out if she doesn't get her desired pitch.

-For example Wifey wants to spend more time with our girlfriend she will step up and say "Girlfriend...I'd like to spend more time with you" Then she waits for Girlfriend to set up some time they can spend. Instead of saying "Girlfriend I'd like to spend some time with you...how about Saturday evening?"

You have to step up to the plate and try to hit all pitches.
I'm a little curious about why you folks seem perfectly able to communicate these things to all of us on here but seem less able to do so amongst yourselves.

When is Nikki going to start posting here so we can all find out what she has to say about things?
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  #23  
Old 11-16-2010, 07:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I'm a little curious about why you folks seem perfectly able to communicate these things to all of us on here but seem less able to do so amongst yourselves.
I have found that there are certain things I can communicate better in a "blog post" than I can verbally or in a direct e-mail. Maybe because when I try to speak directly to the person (usually my husband), I'm afraid it will come across as acusatory or critical and to be honest, sometimes it has come across that way. When I post on my blog, it is written down as my feelings and I usually have time to re-read and proof what is said. It also gives others time to digest what was said and they are not forced to respond immediately, which in my husband's case works really well because he needs time to process.

@Wifey: It does seem there is a lack of communication and maybe it is time to look into new and different ways to communicate.

Learning to identify your needs and taking action to get those needs met takes some getting used to. I recently recognized some things missing in my life. I haven't had any time to do anything proactive about it yet, but the need was recognized, my husband and I talked about it and I now have a goal to work toward. This has made a big difference in my outlook on a lot of things. I know that in order to meet this need, I have to make the initiative and it will require me to step outside my comfort zone more often than I would like, but in the end I think it will be worth it.
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  #24  
Old 11-16-2010, 07:34 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Are you wifey's husband? You seem to have inside information.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
-For example Wifey wants to spend more time with our girlfriend she will step up and say "Girlfriend...I'd like to spend more time with you" Then she waits for Girlfriend to set up some time they can spend. Instead of saying "Girlfriend I'd like to spend some time with you...how about Saturday evening?"
That's not that uncommon, especially with women who are only accustomed to dating men, manly men in particular. For many generations, women have been enculturated to demur, to follow the man's lead in romantic situations, and to make their wishes known in such a way as to encourage men to take the initiative. Perhaps in this situation the ladies are falling into that old dynamic, even though it no longer works. It is definitely another area where more communication between all parties is needed.

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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
You have to step up to the plate and try to hit all pitches.
That strikes me as a strong, masculine approach. It's certainly not what I was taught was appropriate behavior for ladies who are courting. Again, the possibility of old dynamics playing out when they no longer apply. I'm not saying that's necessarily what's happening, I'm just saying it's worth considering.

Oh! And it's not good baseball, either. The pitch has to be in the strike zone before a smart player will swing on it.

Last edited by Fidelia; 11-16-2010 at 07:37 PM.
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  #25  
Old 11-16-2010, 08:04 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Are you wifey's husband? You seem to have inside information.
Yes I am the husband. See Second Start.... Nikki Just joined yesterday...she should be posting on here soon SlikkNikk is her tag...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
That's not that uncommon, especially with women who are only accustomed to dating men, manly men in particular. For many generations, women have been enculturated to demur, to follow the man's lead in romantic situations, and to make their wishes known in such a way as to encourage men to take the initiative. Perhaps in this situation the ladies are falling into that old dynamic, even though it no longer works. It is definitely another area where more communication between all parties is needed.
I would have to agree here...I know lots of the relationships that Both Wifey and SlikkNikk have been in they have been more sub then dom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
That strikes me as a strong, masculine approach. It's certainly not what I was taught was appropriate behavior for ladies who are courting. Again, the possibility of old dynamics playing out when they no longer apply. I'm not saying that's necessarily what's happening, I'm just saying it's worth considering.
I think a man and a woman can take the same action and one be masculine and the other feminine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Oh! And it's not good baseball, either. The pitch has to be in the strike zone before a smart player will swing on it.
Good point... I guess I should have said you can't always wait for a fastball and that other pitches are just as good as long as they are in the strike zone.

Last edited by polytriad; 11-16-2010 at 08:23 PM.
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  #26  
Old 11-16-2010, 08:18 PM
wifey wifey is offline
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@ PolyTriad-I agree that I have waited for her to make time but that is in the realm of trying to figure out how well she listens to things I want and her success on making that happen. I still feel that I should be able to mention something and still have hope that all I have to do is mention it and it will happen. I now realize that that doesn't work for her and I just don't expect that from her anymore. If I want something I have to be the one to make that happen for me or else I have noone else to blame but myself.

@SNeacail- Lack of communication is a huge thing between her and I. It is something that we struggle with so I think it is a good idea that we look at all ways to communicate so that my need with that can be met. because she is comfortable with the way communication has been with us while I have NOT been.

I do think finding new ways to communicate will be very helpful. I guess thinking outside the box
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  #27  
Old 11-16-2010, 08:19 PM
SlikkNikk SlikkNikk is offline
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Boo, u have bad baseball analagies lol!
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  #28  
Old 11-16-2010, 08:43 PM
wifey wifey is offline
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I am very accustomed to being in a relationship with a man however this isn't my first time in a relationship with woman.

So I think I look for some of those same "manly" qualities in our GF now. I realized that thinking that isn't really getting me what I want yet I haven't figured out how to do that when our GF is really passive. I think we have the ability to be aggressive I just think we don't want to do it all the time and men are aggressive. Yet she had been in a longer relationship with a woman before, I have defiantly looked to her and tried to follow her examples of doing what she does for me to her but it hasn't worked that well. However we have made some things work this far but I know that with more communication things would be better.
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  #29  
Old 11-16-2010, 09:21 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
See Second Start....
Link?
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  #30  
Old 11-16-2010, 09:58 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Link?
Second Start
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2139

New Love and Passiveness
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4112
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