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View Poll Results: Does one couple being married in a poly relationship work?
Yes 12 63.16%
No 2 10.53%
I think so... 3 15.79%
Only if... 4 21.05%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 19. You may not vote on this poll

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  #11  
Old 11-16-2010, 12:00 AM
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Jodi Jodi is offline
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wifey, i am a gf of a couple.

honestly, i don't expect to be treated equally, now, don't get me wrong, i want respect, i get that & much love.

however, i know that the couple comes first. heck, they have 4 kids, 16 years of marriage...and i have what? 6 months of sex w/ them and a developing deeper friendship. no, marriage comes first. that's my opinion.

respectful towards her yes. but, i always ask my friend permission first.

for instance, i asked her if it would b e ok to send him pics and dirty texts. if she said no, fine.

but, it's what is comfortable in their marriage. your relationship with her should make your marriage stronger. u will have some obstacles i'm sure. i 'm also naviagating but i'm lucky to have 2 v laid back kind people.

lots of luck to you.
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  #12  
Old 11-16-2010, 12:15 AM
wifey wifey is offline
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Thanks Jodi!

I agree that this should make our marriage our stronger and the stronger our marriage is then our relationship with of GF will be only that much better.

But...

I feel so confused about the way I'm supposed to feel. I feel like I should be ashamed to be married.
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  #13  
Old 11-16-2010, 12:39 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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this is a good read.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1915

and could be very helpful.

Try doing a search too of "secondary" it could help you find some useful information and support.

I think that really, when poly is done with respect, honesty, and open communication, respecting the pace of others, considering others and encouraging progression to common goals then all is covered.

Married or not, secondary or not, there should be a common theme for it to work in every instance in my opinion. I know that sounds formulated, but in my experience it works.

The idea, to me, is to be patient and speak with respect within that... your husband is likely not passed his NRE as it takes a good year or more most of the time and he is likely wanting to tie the whole thing up in a nice bow... doesn't always happen like that, but HE needs to come to that... all you can do is say "nooooo dear" and not take it as the end result, cause it likely isn't. That with a big smile and then dropping it... getting pissed about it is only going to give you heart burn and get you nowhere I think.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-16-2010 at 12:55 AM.
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  #14  
Old 11-16-2010, 12:40 AM
NorCalK NorCalK is offline
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As the girlfriend of a couple that has been dating now 6 years, I feel that my experience may help you gain some insight on how your girlfriend may feel. As someone who has been dating them for about 4 months, I know I am not an equal part in their lives in many respects as they are to each other. However, I am exclusive with this couple. Thus, I expect to be treated FAIRLY, and be given the fair chance to someday be an equal in their relationship if fate works out that way. It sounds like you and your husband need to do some serious talking, but in terms of reassuring your girlfriend, being vocal about how much you love and care about her really helps. Lately I've felt like I just need my boyfriend or girlfriend (especially my boyfriend, he is less vocal about his feelings, very manly man) to tell me that I am appreciated and liked and adored ROMANTICALLY. For the girlfriend of an existing couple it is very easy to begin feeling like just a piece of ass sometimes. Insecurities may be pushing your girlfriend to project her fears on to YOU and try to make you into the villain, when only her insecurities are the culprit in her feelings. It is so easy to feel alone and scared in polyamory. But if all partners make an effort to vocalize how much they appreciate each other on a regular basis, that's what makes it not some scary world where you lose something, but an amazing, endless opportunity for infinite love.
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  #15  
Old 11-16-2010, 03:11 AM
wifey wifey is offline
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Ok so I will admit that I am not very vocal with her and my feelings...mainly because I am scared. I am scared to overly express how I feel and it not be returned. This is not new though. I have continously struggled with my husband and our gf's feelings for each other. He has been very out loud with how he feels for her which I understand but because of that she has in return become very confident in how he feels for her and she expresses how she feels for him also. I get that him being a man takes the lead with expression thus allowing a woman to do the same. I have struggled with how can I get her to express to me how she feels when I feel that she needs me to express to her before she will express to me and I don't like that. I dont like the feeling of her not doing something unless she has a certain level of confidence that it will be a success. She doesn't take chances. I have tried to not even look at their affection level but its hard when its in front of my face and I'm not getting the same though I have made efforts and I voice what I want specifically from her it just makes it hard when I don't get the same in return.
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  #16  
Old 11-16-2010, 06:24 AM
NorCalK NorCalK is offline
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You say that you are not very vocal, but you voice specifically what you need? Maybe you are not being assertive enough. Easier said than done, I know, but worth it. Sharing all this with your husband will hopefully get him to support you through your time of emotional vulnerability as well, if he can come to accept that you do not see your girlfriend as completely equal to him.
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  #17  
Old 11-16-2010, 06:57 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think the meaning of the word "equal" might also be different from one person to the next.

For instance, I say that both Sean and Ragabash are my primaries, and that they're "equal" relationships. However they are definitely different, I've been with Raga for five years and we are married and living together, I've been with Sean five months and we live in different countries.
What I mean by that is that I treat them the same, in that I treat Sean in a similar way I would have treated Raga when our relationship was the same age. Or, rather, that eventually, I want the same relationship with Sean as I have with Raga, considering him my husband and living together.

For me, calling him my secondary is not in line with the way I feel, as I feel it means he will always come after, and is more "disposable", when that's not the way it is at all. I don't have a husband and a boyfriend on the side, I have two relationships, one of which is older than the other one. Therefore, they have different dynamics. Some things are better with more time (you know each other better, you have a history, your ties are stronger), some are better at the beginning (the NRE, discovering each other), but to me in the end they're both very important to me, and I don't want to ever tell Sean "you'll always be five years behind".
Our relationship will evolve at its own pace, but I fully expect it to "catch up" and become a long term relationship, which at 5 months is a bit early to say... but I can already feel that it's going to last, just like I did with Raga at the beginning.

So I think maybe you think of equal as in "they're already both in the same 'category'" while they think of equal in the way I do, that eventually you'll all be just one member of a triad, and it won't be "a couple + a girlfriend".

Do talk to them about it to know how they feel. I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to go faster with the relationship as is natural for you, but I do believe it's fair to ask you if you have the same expectations as they do in the long term.
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  #18  
Old 11-16-2010, 05:35 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wifey View Post
Ok so I will admit that I am not very vocal with her and my feelings...mainly because I am scared. I am scared to overly express how I feel and it not be returned. This is not new though. I have continously struggled with my husband and our gf's feelings for each other. He has been very out loud with how he feels for her which I understand but because of that she has in return become very confident in how he feels for her and she expresses how she feels for him also. I get that him being a man takes the lead with expression thus allowing a woman to do the same. I have struggled with how can I get her to express to me how she feels when I feel that she needs me to express to her before she will express to me and I don't like that. I dont like the feeling of her not doing something unless she has a certain level of confidence that it will be a success. She doesn't take chances. I have tried to not even look at their affection level but its hard when its in front of my face and I'm not getting the same though I have made efforts and I voice what I want specifically from her it just makes it hard when I don't get the same in return.
Hi wifey. Welcome to the forum.

This sounds to me like you and your girlfriend really need to open up the lines of communication. You are scared to fully express yourself and think she is afraid to, too. It can be scary to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open, but it is so worth it. But SOMEONE has to make the first move. Be the brave one, and take the plunge. You can do it!
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  #19  
Old 11-16-2010, 06:02 PM
wifey wifey is offline
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@ Fidelia- Yes you are correct her and I do need to open our lines of communication and someone does have to make the first move. I have tried several times to do as you have suggested.

We realized that not too long ago one of us would have to make that move and step up to the plate, I have done that. I will continue to step up to the plate also but how long that will last with me being the only one I dont know.

I am a woman also with feelings and women like being pursued and flirted with and to feel special.

@Tonberry- I like that...two relationships with different dynamics. I was and still am expecting for things to develop at their own pace but I guess if asked directly one is more important to me than the other at least for now but that's how it's been for the past 9 years and for everyone else to expect me to put both relationships on a level playing field I think is unreasonable. If they would let me come into it on my own it would be easier.

@NorCalk- I mean not very vocal as in I may not say or do certain things everyday. However when I do speak on something or express how I feel it is very loud and does go unheard and that goes for negative or positive. I have opened up to allow myself to be more vulnerable than ever in this relationship. Our GF said the other day that it seems like I am fighting it the whole way and she is correct. I am fighting it...but I am fighting it in a way that is helping me break those barriers down, my own barriers. Now that is easier said than done. I am almost fighting against myself because my heart and mind are speaking different languages to each other. I have this battle within myself on a daily basis. I love them both, I care deeply for them both, I'm in love with both of them and yet I struggle.
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  #20  
Old 11-16-2010, 06:13 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wifey View Post
We realized that not too long ago one of us would have to make that move and step up to the plate, I have done that. I will continue to step up to the plate also but how long that will last with me being the only one I dont know.
If you've tried repeatedly, it's up to her to respond. If she won't or can't, the three of you can't move forward. It's her move.
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