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  #91  
Old 11-15-2010, 06:51 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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you really can't learn compersion in my experience. It will happen when it happens. If you understand it, recognize it and then see it whell up in you, you could always try and hold onto that feeling.

Everyone gets it differently. Its very natural for my wife, where I find it a little more difficult. Don't beat yourself up for not having it all the time, just try to figure out the reasons why Sometimes it takes time.

Its also hard to feel compersion for a situation if you aren't secure in that relationship or the situation. It healthy to identify that and the reasons why.
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  #92  
Old 11-15-2010, 08:26 PM
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Jodi Jodi is offline
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do you trust your bf to include you and be honest about his feelings for his other female lover?
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  #93  
Old 11-15-2010, 08:43 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Yes, it's normal not to feel compersion right off the bat.

Having trust and a strong relationship foundation will be a huge step towards getting there. I've found, too, that if I like my partner's partner I'm more likely to feel compersion than if I don't.

So just take your time, develop the trust you need and go from there.
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  #94  
Old 11-15-2010, 09:15 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Personally, I've found that 6 months is my magic number for full compersion to kick in. Funny, that's how long NRE lasts on average ...

Is this situation complicated by the fact that your bf is trying to develop a relationship with your gf? That's a double whammy of insecurity right there.
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  #95  
Old 11-15-2010, 11:03 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
..

Is this situation complicated by the fact that your bf is trying to develop a relationship with your gf? That's a double whammy of insecurity right there.
Exactly. Thats the peice that has been a little hard for me to swallow.

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I feel your experiences and reassurance well...reassuring. I guess I can just let things play out and be aware of how im feeling about things.
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  #96  
Old 11-15-2010, 11:16 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
I dont think compersion is something I feel with frequency what soever. Maybe I feel it in hindsight or for fleeting moments when my bf is with another woman who makes him happy.

My boyfriend says he feels compersion for me and my girlfriend . He would also like me to have mutual compersion type feelings for the relationship he wants to build between himself and my gf. I simply cannot have feelings that do not exist (or rather, they exist in fleeting moments...and I think more "I am so lucky to have two people who I care about in the same bed with me" not exactly (much to my dismay) "I want my lovers to be sexual with one another".

I think those feelings may evolve over time. Yes I have known P for over a year but my gf, N I have only been with for a month. As much as id like some insta-compersion, I think I might have to wait, to become more secure in my relationships, more trusting and less fearful. Is this an appropriate way of looking at things?

or is it possible that if I dont feel compersion for my bf now, that I never will? Part of the reason I find it hard to access this compersion factor is probably because I feel afraid and threatened that my lovers will evolve in a way that will not include me. I dont rationally think this is the case but its a little annoying bug inside me that will not let up.
Well we can not predict how we will feel...I find joy in bringing wifey joy even if that does not include me I smile and feel warm when I see wifey and nikki interact...Wifey for sure does not share that same feeling...Nikki is understanding the idea of compresion and it seems like she has accepted it....Compresion comes after Jealousy, insecurity, envy, spite...and so on..
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  #97  
Old 11-16-2010, 01:51 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Compersion

Hey Glow - good to hear from you again.

If this helps..........

Remember, compersion is a SELFLESS emotion. It's when our joy & happiness of someone else's good fortune flow out of us to add to their life.
It's a gift we give.
And giving has it's own rewards.
But first you have to get there. And that means focusing your energy - and love - outward - not inward.
It's not about 'us'. We're simply the soft, warm breeze on the bare flesh.



GS
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  #98  
Old 04-11-2011, 05:38 PM
curlyQhoopDidoo curlyQhoopDidoo is offline
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Default Sypathetic Joy, Non-attachment, Challenges etc.

hello friends (:

I was hoping to hear about your experiences with sympathetic joy, self identity, and your struggles as you embark on different adventures.

What do you think of sympathetic joy (the idea of feeling happy because someone you love is happy, even if they are happy because of someone else)?

To me it seems really logical, but very difficult.

Is it hard to experience sympathetic joy sometimes? What do you do when you are feeling jealously, or envy creeping up on you?

It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.

Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?

How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?

Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?

Has it been worth it? What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?

Thanks! Can't wait to hear from you guys

(: (: curlyqhooper
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  #99  
Old 04-11-2011, 05:50 PM
curlyQhoopDidoo curlyQhoopDidoo is offline
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Default a lot

i know that was a lot of questions...but anything that comes to mind or that you feel like sharing is appreciated
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  #100  
Old 04-11-2011, 11:29 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by curlyQhoopDidoo View Post
It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.

Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?

How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?

Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?

Has it been worth it? What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?
"Compersion" or as you are referring to it, "sympathetic joy" is difficult to achieve, but for me it doesn't have to do with attachment in the sense of co-dependence. I am very attached to my partners and am very grateful that they are in my lives and attached to me. Attached does not mean unable to move, live, make a decision, have my own path, have my own thoughts, feelings, adventures, dreams of the future.... and, have my own connection to myself as primary. I am first for sure, but I can't go about life alone. I need a mirror to reflect back in other people I trust and confide in. That is healthy attachment to me.

So often I think people think that they have to abandon all attachment in order to be successful in poly, in compersion, in a successful relationship life at all. Commitment and attachment are very important... I believe in "attachment theory" in raising my child (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory, http://psychology.about.com/od/lovea...tachment01.htm) and believe in it for my own life. We are social creatures and need each other in order to be healthy. I chose who I want to be with to be healthy and work hard at keeping those relationships strong.

I think that when someone is jealous it is from a place of fear of losing someone's attention because they are overly dependant on the person that is seemingly moving away from them. It's not a marker of being overly attached so much as an indication of imbalance. Of not creating and finding within what is missing and depending unhealthily on another to "give" a sense of purpose and belonging.

There are a lot of people with a huge sense that they will be "hurt" by others and therefore should stay detached and distant from them. I find more and more that on-line life creates this for people. It is a false sense of safety that occurs on-line. Real relationships becomes overwhelmingly unsafe in appearance because the person is not capable or convinced that people are unsafe (I'm talking extremes here, but I have seen and heard of extremes).

The thing is, if I am safe to be close to and attached to, then shouldn't other people be just as safe? If I feel that I am a good person to trust, then aren't others? These are the questions that I ask myself... sometimes people turn out to be not trustworthy with my heart, sure, yet I push forward and find others to trust... and have!

The world is huge, there are others out there... finding them and trusting is all I have I reckon. Vulnerability is a huge part of that. I make myself vulnerable enough to attach and commit to others. They do to me.

I am not possessive, but I find that I have never really said good bye to anyone I have loved. They are always in my heart and send that love to them always... we are all connected, as I said before. That might sound flakey, but I really believe that more than ever we need each other.

We need to commit to each others well being and we need to be attached enough to be able to experience empathy/compassion... otherwise, I think we are all fucked; wars will go on, children will be abused, animals mistreated, elderly blown off, blah, blah,blah... everyone, at some point will be in pain simply because no one has stood up for them and loved them because they were too busy looking after number one and not paying attention. To love others is to love oneself. This means evolving our empathy by involving ourselves in others I think.
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-12-2011 at 12:20 AM.
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