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Old 11-16-2010, 06:35 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 149
Default can you overcome mono/poly differences?

I'm struggling with this big time and I don't know where to go from here.

I've read several posts on this, but can't seem to find what I want/need to help me understand.

I understand that insecurity about a relationship can make mono's struggle with accepting their poly partners.

My bf readily accepts the pre-existing relationship I have with my husband as it was already established before he came into the picture.

I love both of them, very much. I don't view my bf as secondary but as co-primary. He lives in the basement suite of our house, giving him his own space while being able to be a part of our lives.

My bf doesn't believe in the term "I love you" and due to depression/medication he says he doesn't feel "love" or an emotion that strong for me. He cares about me, he's very affectionate and I definitely feel that he cares about me through his words and actions.

But I'm left feeling somewhat rejected, loving him but not feeling loved in return, struggling to understand his mental state and just to make things interesting, I want to explore "friends with benefits" as I learn and grow sexually.

My husband fully supports this idea, but my bf does not. He feels very threatened by the idea of me having casual sex with someone else, for fear of it becoming a relationship that I can't sustain.

We've talked about it and there doesn't seem to be anything I can say or do to assure him of how much I love him and that he won't be replaced. I'm confident that I can select sexual partners that I can keep things casual with.

I've done what I can to assure him how I feel. I don't want to turn this into "Well, you don't love me so you have to let me screw other men" because that's not what this is about. I'm not trying to pressure him into finally declaring his love for me. I genuinely want to explore my sexuality, learn and grow, which was a driving motivation in the first place when hubby and I decided to be poly. I don't want this to turn into resentment on his part, he just doesn't seem willing to tell me one way or the other. If he would just come out and say "I don't want you to sleep with anyone else" then that would go a long way to resolving this for me. But when I try and bring it up, he just gets hurt and angry and doesn't really speak his mind. I get uncomfortable with being the cause of his hurt feelings and we go around in circles.

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