Id like some insta-compersion please!

[glowinthedarkstars]

I dont think compersion is something I feel with frequency what soever. Maybe I feel it in hindsight or for fleeting moments when my bf is with another woman who makes him happy.

My boyfriend says he feels compersion for me and my girlfriend . He would also like me to have mutual compersion type feelings for the relationship he wants to build between himself and my gf. I simply cannot have feelings that do not exist (or rather, they exist in fleeting moments...and I think more "I am so lucky to have two people who I care about in the same bed with me" not exactly (much to my dismay) "I want my lovers to be sexual with one another".

I think those feelings may evolve over time. Yes I have known P for over a year but my gf, N I have only been with for a month. As much as id like some insta-compersion, I think I might have to wait, to become more secure in my relationships, more trusting and less fearful. Is this an appropriate way of looking at things?

or is it possible that if I dont feel compersion for my bf now, that I never will? Part of the reason I find it hard to access this compersion factor is probably because I feel afraid and threatened that my lovers will evolve in a way that will not include me. I dont rationally think this is the case but its a little annoying bug inside me that will not let up.

[Ariakas]

you really can't learn compersion in my experience. It will happen when it happens. If you understand it, recognize it and then see it whell up in you, you could always try and hold onto that feeling.

Everyone gets it differently. Its very natural for my wife, where I find it a little more difficult. Don't beat yourself up for not having it all the time, just try to figure out the reasons why Sometimes it takes time.

Its also hard to feel compersion for a situation if you aren't secure in that relationship or the situation. It healthy to identify that and the reasons why.

[Jodi]

do you trust your bf to include you and be honest about his feelings for his other female lover?

[Breathesgirl]

Yes, it's normal not to feel compersion right off the bat.

Having trust and a strong relationship foundation will be a huge step towards getting there. I've found, too, that if I like my partner's partner I'm more likely to feel compersion than if I don't.

So just take your time, develop the trust you need and go from there.

[TruckerPete]

Personally, I've found that 6 months is my magic number for full compersion to kick in. Funny, that's how long NRE lasts on average ...

Is this situation complicated by the fact that your bf is trying to develop a relationship with your gf? That's a double whammy of insecurity right there.

[glowinthedarkstars]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

..

Is this situation complicated by the fact that your bf is trying to develop a relationship with your gf? That's a double whammy of insecurity right there.

Exactly. Thats the peice that has been a little hard for me to swallow.

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I feel your experiences and reassurance well...reassuring. I guess I can just let things play out and be aware of how im feeling about things.

[polytriad]

Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars

I dont think compersion is something I feel with frequency what soever. Maybe I feel it in hindsight or for fleeting moments when my bf is with another woman who makes him happy.

My boyfriend says he feels compersion for me and my girlfriend . He would also like me to have mutual compersion type feelings for the relationship he wants to build between himself and my gf. I simply cannot have feelings that do not exist (or rather, they exist in fleeting moments...and I think more "I am so lucky to have two people who I care about in the same bed with me" not exactly (much to my dismay) "I want my lovers to be sexual with one another".

I think those feelings may evolve over time. Yes I have known P for over a year but my gf, N I have only been with for a month. As much as id like some insta-compersion, I think I might have to wait, to become more secure in my relationships, more trusting and less fearful. Is this an appropriate way of looking at things?

or is it possible that if I dont feel compersion for my bf now, that I never will? Part of the reason I find it hard to access this compersion factor is probably because I feel afraid and threatened that my lovers will evolve in a way that will not include me. I dont rationally think this is the case but its a little annoying bug inside me that will not let up.

Well we can not predict how we will feel...I find joy in bringing wifey joy even if that does not include me I smile and feel warm when I see wifey and nikki interact...Wifey for sure does not share that same feeling...Nikki is understanding the idea of compresion and it seems like she has accepted it....Compresion comes after Jealousy, insecurity, envy, spite...and so on..

[GroundedSpirit]

Hey Glow - good to hear from you again.

If this helps..........

Remember, compersion is a SELFLESS emotion. It's when our joy & happiness of someone else's good fortune flow out of us to add to their life.
It's a gift we give.
And giving has it's own rewards.
But first you have to get there. And that means focusing your energy - and love - outward - not inward.
It's not about 'us'. We're simply the soft, warm breeze on the bare flesh.



GS