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  #101  
Old 11-08-2010, 08:18 AM
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Vodkafan I think you are pretty amazing. Are you are confirmed mono or do you think you'd like to find someone else at some stage? I don't think if Z wanted to start living part of the time with someone else I would handle it at all well. I'd have to find someone else, I wouldn't want to live alone even for 3 days a week. He'd love his SO to come and live with us, I could handle that better.
I agree, amazing, I too wouldn't be good with the alone for 3 days thing either.
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  #102  
Old 11-09-2010, 11:13 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
Vodkafan I think you are pretty amazing. Are you are confirmed mono or do you think you'd like to find someone else at some stage? I don't think if Z wanted to start living part of the time with someone else I would handle it at all well. I'd have to find someone else, I wouldn't want to live alone even for 3 days a week. He'd love his SO to come and live with us, I could handle that better.
Thanks for the compliment Sage and Redpepper, I don't think I am amazing just an ordinary guy. In fact my wife is amazing, I see how hard she is working all the time to make this work.

My wife and I had the conversation about whether I wanted to find someone else. In theory she agreed that I should have the same opportunity as her but she was very relieved when I told her I did not want that. I have examined myself and think I am hard wired mono. I don't see the point in splitting the time I have with her even further by looking around for something that to me, would not be worth the effort I would have to put in. Another woman would always be "secondary".
Where love is concerned, I like all my eggs in one basket, I want to give her 100% of me.
Actually Polyandry works out a much better deal for all of us because my wife works that much harder to please her two guys, and we all have security. That's the way we feel.
The 3 days are not too much of an issue because I now get the chance to get to know my kids better than I did before. I have become a better parent.
She gets the chance to work quite intensely on each relationship in turn. It is also exciting when we get to see each other again after 3 days. It reminds me of when I was a teenager, waiting to see a girlfriend again.
Another tangible benefit is that we argue much less, we can have a discussion about some aspect and find a solution within minutes. Arguments now have a beginning, middle and an end. Then we move on.

The fact is that I did this because my wife is worth sharing. I would not do it for anyone else.
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  #103  
Old 11-13-2010, 10:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
The fact is that I did this because my wife is worth sharing. I would not do it for anyone else.
Wow. This blows me away. I'm just learning about polyamory and its many facets, so thank you for giving me a new, and beautiful, perspective.
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  #104  
Old 11-13-2010, 07:09 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Default Struggling Mono Poetry

Hi all, I just found these again.
These are my own poems, written in the first two weeks of becoming a V, and when I was overwhelmed by everything. I wrote them for myself to get my feelings out; my wife never saw them.
I don't know if they will be of interest to anyone; I don't feel that way any more. They are just a snapshot of feelings in a time of change.

You Are

You are their father
You said
Nobody else can be that.
You are the best
You should be proud.

You are my best friend
You said
That hasn't changed.
We have done so much
And its true we still laugh.

You are still my lover
You say
I still want you
You say
But only when I ask
And sometimes you look away
As if I ask too much.


You Broke

You broke my heart
The pieces you hold in your hands
Held together now only by
Your kiss
Your smile
Your words
Too fragile by far my heart
I never knew till now.
I want to trust
You know I do
To believe in you
And build us anew
But
Your love seems to run and hide
From me
When I need to see it most.
What am I to you?
I don't know anymore.

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  #105  
Old 11-14-2010, 09:42 AM
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And he writes poetry too!!

You continue to amaze me Vodkafan
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  #106  
Old 11-14-2010, 08:09 PM
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Just so you know vodkafan... I have a crush on you now
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  #107  
Old 11-15-2010, 10:08 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Just so you know vodkafan... I have a crush on you now
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  #108  
Old 11-17-2010, 12:14 AM
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Default Kat's story

Hi. Iím new to the forum. I posted a short intro already. However I want to tell more of my story over here because I suspect I am a struggling mono!

I am a female mono in a mono/poly. I am super new to poly. My BF is beginning to explore a new crush. Until now we had been monogamous. We've been together for 1 1/2 years.

Although I had an idea that he had extraordinary needs, we had not discussed it until recently. As a mono, it's difficult to see a poly when he's being monogamous with you!

Anyhow, a few days ago he asked me to let him be himself (poly). We have an awesome relationship. I love him to pieces. How could I ask him to deny his nature? So I cried. Then we talked. And we cuddled. And I remembered that what we have is special and only he or I can make it less special; no one outside of our relationship can take it away. He and I are committed to each other - not out of need, but out of want.

So, there's this chick he's diggin' on. They are not an item yet, but they hope to be. She is also poly, coming out of a breakup with a BF she had been with for a while.

I have not met her yet. I hope to meet with her in the next couple of days. My BF is setting it up for us.

I should back up a bit. When my BF came initially came to me with this I was devastated. I cried for days. I stopped eating. I couldnít sleep. I couldnít work. I had never even heard of polyamory! I had always been clear that I was searching for a life partner. His revelation seemed to run counter to my needs.

Through my hysterics and grief, my BF comforted me. He reminded me that he loves me, that I am special to him and that my happiness is important to him. He asked me to please try this for him. He promised to be supportive, attentive, kind and loving. He even offered to go to couples counseling if I thought it would be helpful. And above all, he reassured me that he would remain monogamous with me if I couldnít/wouldnít allow him to be polyamorous.

Well, I have to at least try! He is too super-wonderful for me to not even try!

So I searched my heart and opened my mind. I scoured the Internet to try to figure out what this poly stuff is really all about. I discovered that poly is as varied as the people who adopt it. So I went back to my BF and asked him how he would like to be poly.

He and I are his primary romantic relationship. I have no desire for another romantic relationship. He would like to add a secondary relationship. That sounds nice and neat, right? But how does that really work with real people? I donít know yet. I guess Iím about to find out.

All I know for sure is that I was wrong when I thought that going poly means I donít get to have a life partner. If Iím really lucky, going poly may mean that I get two (or more) life partners!

Donít get me wrong. Iím not completely naive. I know that his crush may turn out to be short-lived. Even if it isnít, there is no guarantee that we (me and OGF) will be friends Ė nor have I made that a requirement. His relationship with her is just that Ė His relationship with her.

I am very grateful that he and I had a year and a half to build a solid foundation in monogamy before we ventured off into polyamory.

Wish me luck!
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  #109  
Old 11-17-2010, 01:17 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Kat I have high hopes for you!!
You are starting off in a much better frame of mind and situation than I did.
God bless Kat and all who sail in her! May all your sticking points be small ones.
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  #110  
Old 11-17-2010, 01:31 AM
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Thanks for your support vodkafan
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