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  #11  
Old 11-13-2010, 06:13 PM
Flo Flo is offline
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And maybe he just isn't getting it... He knows... I told him... and then I reminded him... and..... perhaps he is more rude than I want to admit.
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  #12  
Old 11-13-2010, 07:22 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Flo View Post
And maybe he just isn't getting it... He knows... I told him... and then I reminded him... and..... perhaps he is more rude than I want to admit.
Well maybe, maybe you could show him your thread here. He might be rude, or just not get it because its coming from you. My PN sometimes doesn't hear stuff that comes from me. Its like his brain shuts off until someone else says it. It makes me feel that my opinion and requests are not valid.

Really though, they should be doing stuff for you. You are going out of YOUR way, not the other way around.
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  #13  
Old 11-13-2010, 07:35 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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This is a prime example of why people think that poly is having ones cake and eating it too. There is an issue here with balance, but you have created that. You can uncreate that. Just do stuff for you. Start today.

I can't imagine doing what your man has been doing. It actually makes me cringe, to think of fucking Mono knowing PN can hear. What kind of respect is that from him AND her! And not pulling my weight? I would be told off so fast and my good thing would end! Not to mention I would feel terrible knowing PN has had to look after what is my stuff to look after. I'm a grown up, I can take care of my own life.
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  #14  
Old 11-13-2010, 08:27 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hi, Flo.

Sorry about the trouble you're experiencing at home. You've already been given some terrific advice, so I'm not going to repeat it.

I just want to add that if you're communicating your needs clearly, respectfully and lovingly to your SO and metamour, and can't get any traction with them to resolve the issues, it's time for you to up the ante. From what you describe, you are not being heard. Maybe it's NRE, maybe it's that the current situation is working really well for them (and why wouldn't it, with you doing so much of the work for their enjoyment?), maybe it's something else altogether. Whatever it is, you will never get what you need from them until you first get their attention. So, get their attention! Especially his. Call a meeting, write a letter, bang a gong, blow an air horn or whatever will work, but call their attention to the fact that this relationship is in trouble!

And once you have their attention, express your needs clearly and directly, and ask for what you want. Then you can work with them to see to it that EVERYONE's needs are met within the relationships, including yours. It's not all that complicated, once everyone's focused on resolving the problems. But the first step is to bring it to their attention.

Good luck to you all.
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  #15  
Old 11-14-2010, 12:43 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Some very good advice here, I think RedPepper is a genuine love guru. Seriously, Red, you should write a column, if you don't already.

One thing I did want to note is how absolutely important it is to be 100% clear, cut and dried with us menfolk. If you're trying to subtly intimate something, we just aren't gonna get it. Be clear, direct, and to the point. Say everything you're feeling and need him to know 3 times, 3 different ways, and then it'll probably sink in. Maintain eye contact too, if he's looking at your boobs, he's not listening, he's thinking about your boobs. This is truth, I know it is so, because I am HORRIBLY guilty of being imperceptive sometimes. I'm not saying you haven't BEEN clear, but I thought it may be worth revisiting in your mind on the off chance that maybe you weren't as clear as you thought you were.
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  #16  
Old 11-14-2010, 01:21 AM
MyNameIsMaam MyNameIsMaam is offline
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Better yet maybe you should go to a hotel and treat yourself to not having to be the hostess and then you can just focus on you and do whatever you want to do for the weekend. It's his SO, he should be the one taking care of her and making sure she's comfortable when she visits.
My first thought when I read this was "Oh hell no!" I am not going to clean, change sheets and prepare for a guest, then have to exit my home, then come home and clean up after them again? And I can guarantdamntee that he isn't going to be the one on hands and knees making sure the shower, toilet and bathroom floors are clean, sheets are clean and back on the bed, towels are clean and folded and ready to use, floors are vacuumed, etc.

No way. They can go to a hotel and sleep in someone else's bed and use threadbare towels while listening to kids run up and down the hallway and the dog in the room next door bark all night.

I am going to stay home, in comfy pajamas, fire place going, favorite drink in hand, control of the remote and my favorite movie.
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  #17  
Old 11-14-2010, 02:47 AM
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@SS-thank you, thank you very much

@maam-you know how to do it right! Can I come over too
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  #18  
Old 11-14-2010, 03:10 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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No way. They can go to a hotel and sleep in someone else's bed and use threadbare towels while listening to kids run up and down the hallway and the dog in the room next door bark all night.
That would be a "motel" with the threadbare towels, kids and barking dogs. "Hotel" usually means soft-porn, room-service, and hot-tubs.
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  #19  
Old 11-14-2010, 05:03 AM
MyNameIsMaam MyNameIsMaam is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
@SS-thank you, thank you very much

@maam-you know how to do it right! Can I come over too
Sure!!! I have plenty of chocolate and wine - come on over!
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  #20  
Old 11-14-2010, 09:15 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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What kind of relationship do you have with her? I stayed at my couple's house for about a month when I moved to a new job and to be near them...until I was able to find a place of my own. I also spent a few weekends with them before moving and a long week camping with them. I must say it was awkward at times knowing what was expected...or what would be helpful. They had their routines. She had her routine. I asked her what would be most helpful in terms of housework, etc. But there were times I felt like I was just getting in the way of her routine and way of doing things.

So, while I can see how she/they interrupt your routine, as someone whose been on the other side of the situation, it wasn't exactly always comfortable for me either. I am jealous at times that they have a place together, live together and are able to have routines and a life together. Being the "guest" has its drawbacks. (He couldn't come to my place when I lived 7 hours from them due to their work schedules. I had more time off, and she has a 9 year old son that he cares for during the time she's working or going to college.)

As for meals....HE cooks for both of us! We will take a meal he's made to her at work and all eat together at times. And I'm free to rummage in the cupboards or refrigerator and get myself a bowl of cereal or make a sandwich if I'm hungry. No one has to serve me.

I "visited" for the weekend last weekend. On my way to their house I called and asked if there was anything she needed/wanted snack-wise at work since I'd be driving right by where she worked. While at the house I did my laundry and theirs, bagged up the trash and took it out, put fresh sheets on the bed when I arrived and took them off and put them in the laundry just before I left, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, hand washed and dried a few pots and pans that I hadn't had meals from, and wiped down the countertops and stove top... while he was at a choir rehearsal for 4 hours. I also watched her son during the time he was gone since she was working.

I don't know what to recommend in terms of overhearing their amorous adventures. That's a tough one. I'm a rather noisy lover and in all honesty it's no fun having to hold in and suppress myself, but I do it when she's around. (And I guess she really wouldn't mind overhearing us as it's kind of a turn-on for her according to him....but not for me knowing I might be overheard!) Also....your guy's other woman isn't responsible for the fact that you're not getting your sexual needs met with him.

Perhaps if talking to him doesn't seem to help much...you could approach her about some of this?????

Last edited by dragonflysky; 11-14-2010 at 09:29 AM.
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