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  #1  
Old 11-13-2010, 05:23 AM
Flo Flo is offline
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Default I don't care to listen...

I have not experienced this issue in the past although my SO and I have been poly for a while. He met someone about 2 years ago and it was on and off... now she visits our house weekends - she works 100 miles from here. To be fair - not every weekend... when she is her - I feel invaded. I find myself in the role of hostess (can't get myself out of that) and it really taps my energies - especially after a long work week. I clean the house for her visits...change the sheets...make breakfast... just what I would do for any company. I actually enjoy her company. At night.... she usually sleeps with my SO... (she IS a guest after all) and he is reveling in the new relationship energy... and I am envious of what she is getting. Being around all the time... I get the guy who falls asleep on the couch... rolls over and snores... masturbates without me... and farts

and right now... what bothers me is that I hear them -- no matter where I go in the house- I hear them... One might think it was hot... and I can see that... but I am not getting enough... and I could spit nails I am so horny.

No... I am not interested in joining them... I tried that a couple of times... and while I had fun the bottom line is that I got to see up front that he INDEED remembers how to do all that stuff... just not with me.

Any thoughts?
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:43 AM
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It seems for sure, as you said, that he is in the throes of NRE and perhaps not giving you the attention and care that you would like from him. Also having to be in "hostess" mode can be tiring even if you enjoy their company. There's actually a thread about that called "My Space." Have you told him these things you're feeling? He may have simply gotten so wrapped up in NRE that he didn't notice. Maybe you two can negotiate different arrangements for them to spend time together. Perhaps, they have their "time" in a hotel on occasion or you could go out to do something. I can imagine the listening would be difficult. It sounds like you are respectful of letting their relationship develop so I hope they can be considerate of what you need to be happy as well.
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:58 AM
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Better yet maybe you should go to a hotel and treat yourself to not having to be the hostess and then you can just focus on you and do whatever you want to do for the weekend. It's his SO, he should be the one taking care of her and making sure she's comfortable when she visits.
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Old 11-13-2010, 08:04 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I'm with Derby, give yourself a break.

I totaly get it though, I do the same thing when Cricket stays the night. Thay are not allowed to have sex here though, so I haven't had that issue.

As far as his time with you, tell him! Or something I do from time to time when I feel we are in a rut, is I give to Karma the same treatment I am looking for. I'll spend extra time on forplay, I do new things., etc.The next time around, he usualy does something different and it pulls us out of our rut.

We have a hard time b/c my medical problems only allow for certain positions and certain time frames. But when I feel I need something new, I visit my dear friend the internet and start searching for new ideas.

Speak out for yourself. Tell your hubby that you understand he is having some serious NRE but you are feeling a bit neglected.

For us, Karma would masturbate instead of trying for sex because he was sick of the constant rejection. When I started turning my mental state around I was getting really upset that he would spend "alone time" with himself instead of me. It was a hard habit to break because he was so used to. So I instituted the ask me first, if I can't, I'll give you a BJ instead.

He had no idea how much it hurt me that he wasn't asking me, until I said something. We've really learned the last few months that we can't just assume the other knows what we need.

You've got to clue him in to your feelings and what you need.

As for the hostess feeling, I can only say I know how you feel. Like I said on the "myspace" thread, this is the exact reason why I ended overnights here. It was taking to much of a toll on me.

Though I'd encourage your hubby to take up some of the host duties. She is his g/f after all. Karma always helps me clean and prep. And nothing made the day better than Karma serving Cricket and I breakfast in bed.
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Old 11-13-2010, 08:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
And nothing made the day better than Karma serving Cricket and I breakfast in bed.
I completely agree with that statement
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Old 11-13-2010, 03:23 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Flo,

Yea - stuff like this is easy to happen.
You seem like a great person - so the 'host' mode would seem natural. But you're right in not wanting to take that on all the time unless YOU are up for it. And after working hard all week, that's not always the case.

But that's just real ! And it's a simple, really, as sitting down and explaining it. There's no foul here - for anyone ! Like Mohegan said, hubby needs to understand this is primarily HIS guest and HE needs to host ! And in reality, I'm betting if you share this with her openly, being another woman, she'll understand completely and team up with you to put the pressure on HIM
Don't keep it a hidden frustration, just explain it with a grin.

As for the mannerisms difference between a NEW relationship and a comfortable one.....

I'd use this as a talking point to illustrate how relationships can easily (and frequently) slip into a rut. I think it happens to most all of us that have been in long term relationships. But someone or some circumstance needs to call it out. This can really be a good wakeup call. There's a certain expectation I think when things are new, and eventually I think all relationships 'settle' into a comfort zone. We WANT that - that comfort. The trick is though, to not let it 'settle' to the point it hits bottom. I'm sure you understand that if their relationship lasts, IT will start drifting towards that same point. Tis de nature of tings

Same with the sex. That NRE again ! A gentle reminder that it USED to be that way between you two and that you miss it (and he did to - whether he realized it or not) should be enough to bring some of it your way. But like the farting, remember that wild passion with her will eventually diminish. Nature again....

Smile. Be happy. Teamwork.

GS
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Old 11-13-2010, 03:58 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Time for a boundary talk I think.

I would suggest getting a list together of what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

Here is what would be acceptable to me.

-she is your girlfriend, you are responsible for taking care of anything that is to do with her.... ie. cleaning, cooking, planning, washing. I will do what needs t be done for my regular fair share of duties for our family, you get to do what your fair share is and take care of anything to do with her.
-if I can hear your fucking, it's too close, take it elsewhere or be more quiet. i'm glad you are having a good time, but I don't want to know.
-regular quality date time and connection.... me and my partner will sit down and plan a weekly date that is thought out to involve conversation above household talk and some intimate time to cuddle and/or have sex.
-monthly you can go to her house. monthly she can come to us, provided the above is covered.

In my relationships I don't get away with ANY of what your partner does! Frankly I'm aghast. I find it rude and disrespectful, NRE or not. That might not entirely be his fault if you haven't been communicating, so I suggest getting on that so he and she knows what is up for you, otherwise resentment builds and he will be forced into drastic measure if because he has an irate partner who wants his girlfriend gone, rather than your feeling compersion for them. He needs to invest in that I think.

It sounds like you like this woman and don't object to their relationship or her at this point, so I am thinking nipping this in the bud now would mean that you can be sane about it. That is a good thing... no one likes an irate metamour that hasn't been getting their needs met because she hasn't been talking about them.
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  #8  
Old 11-13-2010, 04:56 PM
Flo Flo is offline
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Default Thanks to all

I appreciate - what I see as support. I have never been ont to shy away from direct communication... well let's say I say things that I think are heard. I talked with him the other day and told him I was feeling particularly romantic and in love with him... and that I wanted him to go see her. It was even difficult for me to ay that - and I felt so much better after... three days later he said "So have you thought more about it?" HELLO.... I wasn't thinking more about it - I have thought about it for ages before I said something.... that bothered me most. My plan today was to leave before they got up - but that didn't work... I did get them to go somewhere without me and will be woking on my own day plans now.... I like to think I am a strong person - but I still made breakfast!

I'm a work in progress....

Thanks again
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:28 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Maybe this is a matter of him making sure you are okay, making sure you know he still loves you and includes you. Maybe he is not so used to doing things without you and has a hard time separating.

The thing is that this relationship is his, not yours. Metamour relationships are not the same as love relationships and really I would think it is time for the bird to fly the nest. It sounds like it is getting uncomfortable for you to be involved so much and rightly so; she is not your lover....

I talked with someone before about this I think and we discussed how much one should get involved with the success of their partners relationship. She said that she knew stuff about him that could sabotage what he had created and I mentioned that really it was his relationship to do as he pleases. Their dynamic and what works for them is going to be different than what works for you. It might work for him to have you do stuff for him like make breakfast, but that doesn't mean that is their dynamic...

why can't she make breakfast anyways... perhaps some requests to pull her weight are in order while she stays with you... maybe it's time to go from guest to live in weekend boarder.
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Old 11-13-2010, 05:31 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Time for a boundary talk I think.

I would suggest getting a list together of what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

Here is what would be acceptable to me.

-she is your girlfriend, you are responsible for taking care of anything that is to do with her.... ie. cleaning, cooking, planning, washing. I will do what needs t be done for my regular fair share of duties for our family, you get to do what your fair share is and take care of anything to do with her.
-if I can hear your fucking, it's too close, take it elsewhere or be more quiet. i'm glad you are having a good time, but I don't want to know.
-regular quality date time and connection.... me and my partner will sit down and plan a weekly date that is thought out to involve conversation above household talk and some intimate time to cuddle and/or have sex.
-monthly you can go to her house. monthly she can come to us, provided the above is covered.

In my relationships I don't get away with ANY of what your partner does! Frankly I'm aghast. I find it rude and disrespectful, NRE or not. That might not entirely be his fault if you haven't been communicating, so I suggest getting on that so he and she knows what is up for you, otherwise resentment builds and he will be forced into drastic measure if because he has an irate partner who wants his girlfriend gone, rather than your feeling compersion for them. He needs to invest in that I think.

It sounds like you like this woman and don't object to their relationship or her at this point, so I am thinking nipping this in the bud now would mean that you can be sane about it. That is a good thing... no one likes an irate metamour that hasn't been getting their needs met because she hasn't been talking about them.
^^^ Every single word redpepper posted. Very good advice. Take heed.
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