newbie, is this polyamory or are we just wierd?
This forum seems like it has many compassionate, knowledgeable, considerate, and non-judgmental members. I/we appreciate that. Here is my/our situation.
We have been married 28 years and lived together for 30. We are as much in love today as we were when we got married. I am a very lucky man. Our kids are and have been out of the house for a few years. We have embraced our empty nest with open arms. For many years I have found I enjoyed reading erotica and especially found stories about loving wives exciting. I refer to a loving wife as one who is married but makes love with another man other than her husband. A few years ago I shared this kink or whatever one wishes to call it with my wife. At first she thought I was weird. I would leave a story here or there and she would read them. Over time she started sharing this fantasy. Over time we discovered that when we would make love and talk about her fantasy lover our passion would ignite.
Well as time went on my wonderful wife entered into peri-menopause. Her libido crashed and our numerous romps in the bed room diminished. I tried all sorts of things to get her in the mood. She started drinking more to help her sleep but that began a vicious cycle of bad sleep patterns and an even more diminished libido. I started leaving the computer on with a loving wife story I would find on the net. She started to look forward to these stories. Our love making would improve for a brief time.
Then fast forward to this year. One snowy day my wife met a man from out of town while on the ski lift. She felt an immediate attraction to him and skied with him for a couple of hours. They had a lot in common and my wife ended up leaving the hill without any contact info for him. He was single. She knew where he lived and worked and later that week searched him out and found an email for him and emailed him. Her libido was reborn. We were making passionate love every day. Three weeks went by with no response, then she received an email back from her new friend. They started emailing on a regular basis. Her libido was in full bloom and I was happy about it. She shared some of this with me. She started fantasizing about meeting him somewhere. I found myself encouraging her to try and realize it. They planned on meeting for a weekend at a ski area equidistant to each other.
We were talking and communicating about the whole thing constantly and making love every day. Then her new friend just could not understand why I her husband was encouraging her and his interest waned. They did not ever get together and eventually quit communicating.
Fast forward to today. I loved the way my wife re-blossomed. Together we talked endlessly about our feelings. She ended up finding a nice man on line who was in a very poor marriage. They became friendly online and she made him feel good about himself. Over 3-4 months they emailed daily and started learning about each other. He knew about me and my approval of their relationship. He invited her to go on a short trip. Now we had to put up or shut up and so we decided she would go and meet him.
Prior to the trip, we each wrote down what we wanted, expected, and all other things about this meeting. I put down a list of several things like guidelines for her/them to follow and it was understood that he had to abide by these rules if this relationship were to continue. Three of the rules were that there would be no intercourse on the first night, that protection would be used if at some time they did engage in intercourse, and if asked my wife would tell me everything.
Well the first night went very well, he was read the rules as we had written them and promised my wife he would gladly abide. They engaged in some heavy petting, but slept in separate rooms. My wife relayed this to me the next day via cell phone. I am going to refer to her friend as TK. This was a business trip for TK and so he was out during the day. The next night went badly in that they enjoyed a late but very nice dinner and got back to the room and TK basically passed out from exhaustion. The next morning he apologized profusely but left my wife in a state of despair. The next two evening were worse. His wife called and all of sudden he felt a tremendous guilt about the situation he was in. I will add that TK had not had intimate relations with his wife in well over a year. TK professed early on and again on this trip that he loved his wife and did not want to destroy his marriage.
Long story short my wife was angered, hurt, but felt his pain and wanted to be his friend. The fourth and last night TK ended up coming in to her bedroom and they layed together and talked for a couple of hours. They ended up cuddling and came close to making love but fell short due to the lack of having a condom handy. Had either had one it would have probably been inevitable.
Well my wife came home and shared all of this with me. She did lie about some of it at first but I know her well enough to know when she is not telling the truth. So all the truth came out. She at first did not want to continue this relationship but after a few days and a few emails from TK, she decided that they could be friends. Well over the course of a month, this relationship has become a little more than that. They have decided on another trip and this time they both do want to get intimate. My wife and I have been having many conversations talking about our feelings, where this is all going, trying to set guidelines and limitations, and engaging in the best sex of our very sex filled marriage.
About me, I have recently learned the word compersion and its definition fits me perfectly. I do go thru a roller coaster of feelings about all of this. I am completely heterosexual and have no desire to engage in MFM realtionship. I do have fantasies about a FMF threesome but my wife too is heterosexual as well so don't see that happening.
My wife is a very sexy woman who takes care of herself. She is a great athlete and maintains a very athletic body. She is smart, funny, independent, and beautiful. What I find is her sexiest attribute is her confidence. That has also waned as she has gotten older and plummeted when she became peri-menopausal. But now she feels like a 20 year old again. She feels confident, desirable, sexy, has a lot of energy, and sometimes we will make love 3-4 times in a single day. She thinks she better do it now because she might loose it. We talk about all of our feelings and she has confided in me that she likes TK as a friend, but would like to have intimate relations with him for awhile. She has limited her drinking and found her sleep patterns have become more normal. We attribute the sleep disorder to her hot flashes and other p-m symptoms.
So my questions to all of you wise people who have lived this or variations of this lifestyle, are these:
1) Is this polyamory on my wife's part and am I just a pervert for wanting this for her? I don't have a huge desire to partake in intimate relations with anyone other than my wife. At least not now, hopefully this will not change because my wife does not think she could handle it.
2) The only strong jealousy I feel about all of it is when she spends more time communicating with TK than she does with me. I struggle a little with insecurity about maybe she will fall in love with him, that he might be a better lover, etc., but I really get annoyed if she emails him 15 times a day and spends more time planning their next rendezvous than her planning anything with me. (and yes we have talked about this often but have yet to find a real resolution).
3) TK's wife does not know about any of this and that bothers both my wife and I. In an ideal world we would hope that TK explain to her that he has a friend with benefits and tell her about it. Honestly we do not think this will happen and my wife/we do not want to be the catalyst that sends his marriage over the edge. This is probably our biggest fear. One of our rules is that if his wife does not except this FWB idea, then it will be over between my wife and him. The other things I think we can blunder our way thru and communicate our way out of.
4) I know that if this loving wife lifestyle continues, (is what we are doing more of a swinging lifestyle?) eventually something will happen where our adult kids will wonder what on earth are we doing. Why is mom making all of these trips without dad and who is this new friend she is spending time with?
I am not about lying to anyone. I would much rather deal with the truth and suffer the consequence than live in guilt about living a lie.
5) My wife and I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. We are best friends and respect each other immensely. Are we messing up a truly wonderful relationship by engaging in this consensual extra marital activity?
6) Lastly my wife worries that once she enters into full blown meno-pause, her libido will diminish again. This scares her and is one of the reasons she has jumped into the fire we have now found ourselves in. She loves the way she feels about her self and her body now. I love it.
Sorry for such a long post. From all that I have read, it seems in order to give advice, you must understand the whole story. Thanks in advance for taking the time. I/we look forward to what you have to share.