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Old 11-11-2010, 02:21 AM
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Unhappy Intimacy Issues...

A month or so ago, my SO said that he needed to cool things down physically because he felt like it was getting very hard to for him to play within the boundaries that his wife is comfortable. I personally, was not having that problem, but I understood that he needed to feel more comfortable. He said he was unsure when things might resume. A week or two ago, I checked in with him on things and he said he was feeling stable. Unfortunately, at the time, I was not feeling so stable. Ever since we'd had to cool things down, I'd been feeling off in the relationship. That day we had a good, long honest discussion and I expressed to him that I was unhappy not being able to "play." He said that he wanted to but that he felt bad dragging me "back into it." I really wasn't sure how to respond. I was happy with the status of things before he made big changes and I wasn't having any issues not going further. So I'm not sure why he keeps giving me excuses that it's better for me somehow if we aren't physically involved. He is a lot older than me so perhaps he thinks he is protecting me from heartbreak? Or maybe just doesn't want to admit that it has to do with him. I know that he is worried that I will become too attached to him and want more than he can give. He also would like to be more but his wife is not okay with that right now. I am, however, fully aware of the limits and have agreed to them explicitly. So I'm not sure what he means about "dragging me back into it." I'm already "into it." I care about him a lot. Not being physically involved only makes me frustrated because the feelings are there no matter what. I'm not really sure how to approach this topic with him right now.
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Old 11-11-2010, 03:18 AM
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hi ray. sorry that you're going thru this frustration. i don't think that ur SO really knows what is right for you. does he feel guilty? i think maybe that's the case with the "drag you into it" comment.

you said that you had an honest open long discussion. he knows how you feel. what is he going to do to help you feel better? i think he needs to do something. you seem to be sensitive to his needs, like giving him time to figure things out.

i hope that you can find peace soon.
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Old 11-11-2010, 04:16 AM
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Thanks Jodi,

I'm not sure if he feels guilty. It's not one of his driving emotions. I know he doesn't feel guilty about our relationship in general. I think he worries about me getting my heartbroken by becoming too attached to him. I don't understand why he can't accept that it is possible for me to care deeply about him, be physically involved and still accept the limits of our relationship. Even when I wish there was more it's always a vision of becoming a co-primary with his wife. And I'm also ok with that not happening. I'm open to dating other people and he worries that I won't give other people a chance because I'm too focused on him. I'm just picky though. When I met him, I felt a connection, things flowed. I don't feel that with people often. Why would I want to invest time in someone that doesn't make me feel that way? It's not that I'm not open, I just haven't met anyone else yet. Keep in mind, that I am young and likely stupid. I've never been in any other relationships except for this one. I've tried to explain to him that what I would like is to be physically involved again. but he keeps making excuses as to why it's not good for me.
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Old 11-11-2010, 02:54 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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T.......... Even when I wish there was more it's always a vision of becoming a co-primary with his wife. And I'm also ok with that not happening. I'm open to dating other people and he worries that I won't give other people a chance because I'm too focused on him. I'm just picky though. When I met him, I felt a connection, things flowed. I don't feel that with people often. Why would I want to invest time in someone that doesn't make me feel that way? It's not that I'm not open, I just haven't met anyone else yet. Keep in mind, that I am young and likely stupid. I've never been in any other relationships except for this one. I've tried to explain to him that what I would like is to be physically involved again. but he keeps making excuses as to why it's not good for me.
Hey Ray,

It's a tough situation. I've been "that guy" in the past and it took me some time & heartbreak to learn how to swim that water properly (if I have?). I have a feeling you may be on to something when you mentioned in a prev post that you felt he was trying to protect you from something you don't feel you need protecting from.

There are a lot of possibilities for why he is being a little timid in this - which I won't go into here. But I think it WOULD flow much better between you if you did have someone else in your life too. Even a few casual dates might make him feel more comfortable. Just knowing that you are not becoming too dependent on him (emotionally) could make a huge difference.
It seems you obviously love this guy a lot and I think that's wonderful. But I think it will flow best between you if you can just try to live in each other's live 1 day at a time. Celebrate what you have together and don't be looking too far into the future or building castles in the air as we say. That in itself can put a lot of strain on a relationship and drive a wedge where there otherwise might not be one.

Does that make any sense ?

GS
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Old 11-11-2010, 04:57 PM
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it must be hard to want to be with someone physically and not be able to. he is definately not a user. i'm not sure of what advice to give you, i do think that you're putting all your eggs in one basket..sorry 4 the old time expression, but you are young...however, the heart is very strong. mb if his wife were in total agrement, i don't know if she is, then you could both be free to do what you want.
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Old 11-11-2010, 05:20 PM
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The issue of me dating other people is something we talked about and I agreed to spend more time with other people both dating and friends. I went on a few casual dates and have been connecting more with other people. This fall my schedule had become so busy that O became the only one I made any time for. Which we both agreed wasn't good. So I've been working on that. I just haven't found a primary is what I'm saying, I guess. It might be a long time before I do. But it isn't fair (to me or him) for him to be my only support so to speak. I'm hoping that as that's been changing that that will help things.

@ Jodi- one of his issues is that his wife is not comfortable with us having sex so he worries about being tempted to take things further than she is comfortable with. If she were comfortable with it, i don't think there would be much of a problem. She's onboard with the relationships in general and she and I get along just fine. And you're right, I have been putting all my eggs in one basket. I'm hoping that by hanging out with other people that will help? But it is hard for me. I really like him and I probably am setting myself up for trouble in the future.
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:42 PM
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Tough spot Ray. Very sorry for the frustration. Kudos to you for doing things according to the slowest members pace. I've always said that's one of the biggest keys to success in this lifestyle. I hope that she will work through her concerns quickly so you two can progress...

...If of course he wants that to happen. I'm a bit confused when he says that he doesn't want to "drag you back into it". Into what? Aren't you already in "it"? Have you had a frank conversation about what he was referring to when he said that?

I hope it's not a situation where he's trying to let you down easy, or hasn't found an appropriate means of telling you he's not interested. You said he's older than you, so I'm hoping he has more respect for you than that.

I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted. We're here if you need to talk.
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Old 11-11-2010, 06:52 PM
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Yeah, I'm a bit confused too, Danny. I'm not sure what he means because I agree, i'm already "in." We haven't sat down and deconstructed that statement. I hope to in the near future. He's of the "break up quickly and honest" school of thought so I don't believe that to be the case. We are moving at the pace of his wife but my concern (and I did voice this to him) is that I'm not sure she intends to work though those things so that we can move forward. She doesn't talk a lot so neither of us are all that sure of what she's thinking. She's fine with where things are but in my opinion you don't usually wake up one morning and say, sure honey, go have sex with soandso. it won't bother me one bit. From what i've seen, it seems to be a process and often a difficult one. I think he's been waiting for her to be magically fine with it all but I don't think it happens that way.
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Old 11-11-2010, 07:23 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
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............ She's fine with where things are but in my opinion you don't usually wake up one morning and say, sure honey, go have sex with soandso. it won't bother me one bit. From what i've seen, it seems to be a process and often a difficult one. I think he's been waiting for her to be magically fine with it all but I don't think it happens that way.
Ray,

You say "she's fine"..............
Are you and she talking at all ? Or is this coming strictly from him ?

Regardless, I think it would be great if you could find some way to connect - share some time- with her too (minus him). The more she gets to know you, the more likely it will be that things can follow a less strained course.

We talk a lot about this. It really is important everyone know each other and at least respect each other. This doesn't imply BFF, lovers, etc. Just a respectful friendship. It just makes everyone more open and comfortable.

I do realize there are situations where V's are operating without this prescription but my experience at least has observed that to be in the minority, and less successful. Our nature makes most of us more comfortable when we are dealing with 'knows' vs 'unknowns.

Tell us about your relationship with her ?

GS
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Old 11-11-2010, 09:08 PM
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GS,

Sure, she and I do have a good rapport. Daresay, we may be beginning to become friends. She and I are both pretty shy so it's been slow to develop. We have a lot of interests in common. The three of us hang out pretty often and she and I will often do stuff together while he goes and does stuff around the house. She just is one of those people who holds their cards pretty close and doesn't really share much of what's going in her head about her feelings to anyone. It doesn't necessarily mean she's unhappy or anything, she just doesn't talk about her feelings much. She and I have had a few conversations about the relationship and the most I could get out of her was that she was comfortable and would tell us if she wasn't. To be fair, he hasn't gotten much more out of her either. I often wish that she and I could share more of our feelings about everything with each other but that's just not how she is. Neither of us is good at taking the initiative in relationships and until we're able to get past that, we won't know each other on more than a superficial level.
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