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  #211  
Old 10-22-2010, 03:43 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Dear Dazed. My young adult daughter is Borderline and I see her behaviors in your (soon to be?) ex.

They don't think the way typical people like you and I do. They do engage in dangerous behavior (sex w strangers, substance abuse, self harm [cutting], bulimia), and also lie to, manipulate and steal from their loved ones.

They can also be very charming, funny and loving when in the mood. They are often very artistic. That's how they hook you and keep you trying to bail them out time after time.

My daughter (22 now) had a very nice, stable, hard working, supportive (and damn good looking) bf for 2 yrs, but as she got sicker, she began to resent him for watching over her too much, policing her. She finally broke up with HIM. And I was glad for him she did.

PM me if you want to talk privately about how her dad and I cope.
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  #212  
Old 10-23-2010, 12:11 AM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Wow. Just wow.

I keep wondering if this situation is so completely out of your control, that you can't hope to influence it no matter what you do.

I'm so sorry about your mom, and for you having to deal with this craziness and disrespect at the wake, etc.

*hugs*, and here's hoping you can take care of you!
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  #213  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:21 AM
LoveWarrior LoveWarrior is offline
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Sending condolences, love and hugs. Sorry that things are so hard right now. Please take care of yourself. You will get through this!
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  #214  
Old 11-06-2010, 12:11 AM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Default Where is the line between healthy and..

OK, so some of you know my current disaster.

My most recent concern is how do you know if it's poly. I was in my first truly mono relationship, and my wife (f&f) decided she was Poly. We have since gone our separate ways. Please do not get me wrong, I am not anti-poly, she handled things poorly. How do I, can I, ever decern if she is truly poly, or utilizing the term for some other unhealthy behaviour? She claimed poly, but behaves in a much more addictive, unloving, unkind, boardedline manner. How do I, can anyone, figure out if these are newb sans mentor issues, if or she is in fact, just off her rocker? Her behaviour seems to fall into a pattern that the less caring the partner, the more she falls, the more caring (me) the further she runs, she seems to be spiriling into a self-hate abyss. It seems, to me, that this isnt a ture loving poly nature. One of her most recent escapades has started taking money from her, Im disgusted by this, this jerk is 12 years her senior. We are no longer together as she committed herself to her new relationships, and kicked me to the perverbial curb.

I guess Im looking for some sort of validation that this behaviour is what will make her happy, and that shes not had some kind of mental break (which I believe is the case). Again, Im not against poly, or swinging, or any kind of alt relationship if done with repect for one's self and one's partner.
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  #215  
Old 11-06-2010, 06:13 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Having followed the situation, I can say with certainty that what ever your wife is doing, it is not poly. Not in any way, shape, or form. Even from the beginning, her stated intent never jived with the basic idea behind poly.

I wish I could give you some peace of mind, but you're not going to find the answer you're looking for. She's lost something along the way that only she will be able to decide to find again, and until then there's nothing anyone can do for her.

Please continue to keep yourself safe.
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  #216  
Old 11-07-2010, 07:03 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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I have not been following the whole situation, but from your description of it, I will say nope, no sir, definitely not poly- not demonstrating nearly enough love, respect and consideration for herself or for you.

Now I'll throw down some thoughts I think apply.

When someone is endangering him/herself or others, seek professional assistance immediately.

People may say anything, but actions reveal the heart. So listen to what someone says, but trust what they do.

People change their behavior when it no longer works for them, and generally not before.
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  #217  
Old 11-07-2010, 07:07 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Fidelia et al- here is thread that starts this all off... in fact i think I might just merge them all....

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3332
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  #218  
Old 11-11-2010, 02:03 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Dazed, I was hoping you might PM me since I see so much of my daughter in your wife. But if you see this I'd like to recommend a book that helped me tremendously in learning how to protect my heart and boundaries around loving a person cursed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Stop Walking on Eggshells:Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

This is a newly diagnosed mental health diagnosis, and still misunderstood by the medical community. This book is so helpful when you feel overwhelmed and hurt by having a loved one struggling with this awful disease. Please look it up on Amazon.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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