Intimacy Issues...

ray

New member
A month or so ago, my SO said that he needed to cool things down physically because he felt like it was getting very hard to for him to play within the boundaries that his wife is comfortable. I personally, was not having that problem, but I understood that he needed to feel more comfortable. He said he was unsure when things might resume. A week or two ago, I checked in with him on things and he said he was feeling stable. Unfortunately, at the time, I was not feeling so stable. Ever since we'd had to cool things down, I'd been feeling off in the relationship. That day we had a good, long honest discussion and I expressed to him that I was unhappy not being able to "play." He said that he wanted to but that he felt bad dragging me "back into it." I really wasn't sure how to respond. I was happy with the status of things before he made big changes and I wasn't having any issues not going further. So I'm not sure why he keeps giving me excuses that it's better for me somehow if we aren't physically involved. He is a lot older than me so perhaps he thinks he is protecting me from heartbreak? Or maybe just doesn't want to admit that it has to do with him. I know that he is worried that I will become too attached to him and want more than he can give. He also would like to be more but his wife is not okay with that right now. I am, however, fully aware of the limits and have agreed to them explicitly. So I'm not sure what he means about "dragging me back into it." I'm already "into it." I care about him a lot. Not being physically involved only makes me frustrated because the feelings are there no matter what. I'm not really sure how to approach this topic with him right now.
 
hi ray. sorry that you're going thru this frustration. i don't think that ur SO really knows what is right for you. does he feel guilty? i think maybe that's the case with the "drag you into it" comment.

you said that you had an honest open long discussion. he knows how you feel. what is he going to do to help you feel better? i think he needs to do something. you seem to be sensitive to his needs, like giving him time to figure things out.

i hope that you can find peace soon.
 
Thanks Jodi,

I'm not sure if he feels guilty. It's not one of his driving emotions. I know he doesn't feel guilty about our relationship in general. I think he worries about me getting my heartbroken by becoming too attached to him. I don't understand why he can't accept that it is possible for me to care deeply about him, be physically involved and still accept the limits of our relationship. Even when I wish there was more it's always a vision of becoming a co-primary with his wife. And I'm also ok with that not happening. I'm open to dating other people and he worries that I won't give other people a chance because I'm too focused on him. I'm just picky though. When I met him, I felt a connection, things flowed. I don't feel that with people often. Why would I want to invest time in someone that doesn't make me feel that way? It's not that I'm not open, I just haven't met anyone else yet. Keep in mind, that I am young and likely stupid. I've never been in any other relationships except for this one. I've tried to explain to him that what I would like is to be physically involved again. but he keeps making excuses as to why it's not good for me.
 
T.......... Even when I wish there was more it's always a vision of becoming a co-primary with his wife. And I'm also ok with that not happening. I'm open to dating other people and he worries that I won't give other people a chance because I'm too focused on him. I'm just picky though. When I met him, I felt a connection, things flowed. I don't feel that with people often. Why would I want to invest time in someone that doesn't make me feel that way? It's not that I'm not open, I just haven't met anyone else yet. Keep in mind, that I am young and likely stupid. I've never been in any other relationships except for this one. I've tried to explain to him that what I would like is to be physically involved again. but he keeps making excuses as to why it's not good for me.

Hey Ray,

It's a tough situation. I've been "that guy" in the past and it took me some time & heartbreak to learn how to swim that water properly (if I have?). I have a feeling you may be on to something when you mentioned in a prev post that you felt he was trying to protect you from something you don't feel you need protecting from.

There are a lot of possibilities for why he is being a little timid in this - which I won't go into here. But I think it WOULD flow much better between you if you did have someone else in your life too. Even a few casual dates might make him feel more comfortable. Just knowing that you are not becoming too dependent on him (emotionally) could make a huge difference.
It seems you obviously love this guy a lot and I think that's wonderful. But I think it will flow best between you if you can just try to live in each other's live 1 day at a time. Celebrate what you have together and don't be looking too far into the future or building castles in the air as we say. That in itself can put a lot of strain on a relationship and drive a wedge where there otherwise might not be one.

Does that make any sense ?

GS
 
it must be hard to want to be with someone physically and not be able to. he is definately not a user. i'm not sure of what advice to give you, i do think that you're putting all your eggs in one basket..sorry 4 the old time expression, but you are young...however, the heart is very strong. mb if his wife were in total agrement, i don't know if she is, then you could both be free to do what you want.
 
The issue of me dating other people is something we talked about and I agreed to spend more time with other people both dating and friends. I went on a few casual dates and have been connecting more with other people. This fall my schedule had become so busy that O became the only one I made any time for. Which we both agreed wasn't good. So I've been working on that. I just haven't found a primary is what I'm saying, I guess. It might be a long time before I do. But it isn't fair (to me or him) for him to be my only support so to speak. I'm hoping that as that's been changing that that will help things.

@ Jodi- one of his issues is that his wife is not comfortable with us having sex so he worries about being tempted to take things further than she is comfortable with. If she were comfortable with it, i don't think there would be much of a problem. She's onboard with the relationships in general and she and I get along just fine. And you're right, I have been putting all my eggs in one basket. I'm hoping that by hanging out with other people that will help? But it is hard for me. I really like him and I probably am setting myself up for trouble in the future.
 
Tough spot Ray. Very sorry for the frustration. Kudos to you for doing things according to the slowest members pace. I've always said that's one of the biggest keys to success in this lifestyle. I hope that she will work through her concerns quickly so you two can progress...

...If of course he wants that to happen. I'm a bit confused when he says that he doesn't want to "drag you back into it". Into what? Aren't you already in "it"? Have you had a frank conversation about what he was referring to when he said that?

I hope it's not a situation where he's trying to let you down easy, or hasn't found an appropriate means of telling you he's not interested. You said he's older than you, so I'm hoping he has more respect for you than that.

I wish you the best of luck and keep us posted. We're here if you need to talk.
 
Yeah, I'm a bit confused too, Danny. I'm not sure what he means because I agree, i'm already "in." We haven't sat down and deconstructed that statement. I hope to in the near future. He's of the "break up quickly and honest" school of thought so I don't believe that to be the case. We are moving at the pace of his wife but my concern (and I did voice this to him) is that I'm not sure she intends to work though those things so that we can move forward. She doesn't talk a lot so neither of us are all that sure of what she's thinking. She's fine with where things are but in my opinion you don't usually wake up one morning and say, sure honey, go have sex with soandso. it won't bother me one bit. From what i've seen, it seems to be a process and often a difficult one. I think he's been waiting for her to be magically fine with it all but I don't think it happens that way.
 
............ She's fine with where things are but in my opinion you don't usually wake up one morning and say, sure honey, go have sex with soandso. it won't bother me one bit. From what i've seen, it seems to be a process and often a difficult one. I think he's been waiting for her to be magically fine with it all but I don't think it happens that way.

Ray,

You say "she's fine"..............
Are you and she talking at all ? Or is this coming strictly from him ?

Regardless, I think it would be great if you could find some way to connect - share some time- with her too (minus him). The more she gets to know you, the more likely it will be that things can follow a less strained course.

We talk a lot about this. It really is important everyone know each other and at least respect each other. This doesn't imply BFF, lovers, etc. Just a respectful friendship. It just makes everyone more open and comfortable.

I do realize there are situations where V's are operating without this prescription but my experience at least has observed that to be in the minority, and less successful. Our nature makes most of us more comfortable when we are dealing with 'knows' vs 'unknowns.

Tell us about your relationship with her ?

GS
 
GS,

Sure, she and I do have a good rapport. Daresay, we may be beginning to become friends. She and I are both pretty shy so it's been slow to develop. We have a lot of interests in common. The three of us hang out pretty often and she and I will often do stuff together while he goes and does stuff around the house. She just is one of those people who holds their cards pretty close and doesn't really share much of what's going in her head about her feelings to anyone. It doesn't necessarily mean she's unhappy or anything, she just doesn't talk about her feelings much. She and I have had a few conversations about the relationship and the most I could get out of her was that she was comfortable and would tell us if she wasn't. To be fair, he hasn't gotten much more out of her either. I often wish that she and I could share more of our feelings about everything with each other but that's just not how she is. Neither of us is good at taking the initiative in relationships and until we're able to get past that, we won't know each other on more than a superficial level.
 
She sounds like my wife during our early years. Unfortunately that's not something that works well with this lifestyle. One of the hardest hurdles my wife had to overcome was her inability to talk about her feelings and emotions. It wasn't something her family did so she wasn't used to it.

With a lot of talking, she slowly realized that how she was trying to process through her feelings and emotions wasn't working. When there are three or more people involved it's virtually impossible to deal with things on your own.

I would strongly encourage your SO to talk to his wife about this. Maybe a sit down with the 3 of you isn't in the cards just yet, but she's got to feel more comfortable telling her husband how she's feeling and what's going on in her head.

Trying to guess what's going on will only lead to someone getting hurt or upset.
 
Thanks! It's good to know I'm not nuts for wanting her to open up more about stuff. It's so scary not knowing what's going on in her head. I mean she could be 5 steps away from wanting us to break up and I'd never know! I keep telling him I wish she would talk more and he just says that's how she is and I should accept that. I can accept that she'll never probably like to talk about things as much as I do, but I think we'd all benefit if she'd talk a little more than she does. I'll keep trying. She and I had a bit of a breakthrough this past weekend. She asked me to do a tarot reading with her. I think that's the most we've talked together about anything deep.
 
Step in the right direction!!! I completely understand the "that's how she is, so you should accept it" because that's what my wife told me at the start. LOL I told her that wasn't going to work if we really wanted to live this way. Considering she was the one that initially suggested we start looking for someone else, she kinda had to stop and think.

Now, his wife may not have been the catalyst for their lifestyle, but if she's accepted that this is how they are going to live their lives, then she has to be willing to do a little bit of work. And yes, you should be going at her pace, but that pace can't be a standstill. Otherwise, what point is there for you to stay around? It's not fair to keep you in limbo not getting everything that you want and deserve from a partner. They have to think about your feelings just as much as you have to think about hers.
 
I think that's what I feel torn about. I know that I care a lot about him but I worry that I could stay around forever and things might never move forward. I have expressed this to him and he didn't really have anything to add. Until we know what A is thinking, there's not much more to say. I did however have a thought on my way home. I think he believes that if I weren't dating him, I'd be out playing the field, getting laid and doing normal 21-year-old things. But I KNOW that if I had never dated him, I'd be exactly where I was when I met him. I'd probably still have never kissed anyone and I doubt I'd have gone on many dates and I certainly wouldn't be sleeping with anyone. Or probably even considering it for that matter. I have a lot of past issues that have given me a lot of inhibitions and he's been helpful in beginning to breaking through those. He thinks he's holding me back but he doesn't realize that he's propelled me farther forward than I ever would have gone on my own.
 
Have you told him that? If not, maybe you should let him read what you wrote. I can also see where you would give him a lot of leeway to keep things where they are. Just don't stay in something where you're not happy. Like I said earlier, they both have to take your feelings and emotions into consideration. And if they're unwilling or unable to move forward with this relationship, then they have to at least be able to tell you that so you can decide for yourself if you want to stick it out or move on.
 
Ray,
I noticed that these posts are a couple of months old. How is your situation going? Any improvement? Have you been able to get closer to friendship with the wife? I'm curious to see how this is working out for you. What about other outside relationships for you?
-Ggirl
 
This a pretty new thread, so there's not too much new news to report yet. But I certainly hope that a few months from now, we've made good progress. I stopped by briefly to visit O today and had a fun little walk. At one point, I tackled him but my winter hat fell down over my eyes, so we both had a good laugh at me trying to fight with a hat over my face. I shared with him that he is not in fact holding me back but has helped me to move forward. That seemed to make him glad. I wanted to keep things light today.
 
I'm glad that your day with him went well. I know it's only been a couple of days since that, but how are things? Any luck with his wife opening up?
 
The last few days have been rough. I haven't had a chance to hang out with A and I won't again this weekend, since he wants to be productive and apparently I will be distracting. Which is an odd thing to say since I frequently have helped them with numerous projects (yard work etc). I asked him again about where he was with us being more intimate and he said that he needed to focus on A right now (apparently some issues?, not sure what). He wouldn't give me any kind of estimate on how long that might be. Not to mention that things will likely change drastically in january when he begins grad school. This whole thing is a mess. Part of me wants to just walk away. I don't know anything about relationships, I've never done this before and I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't feel like I have much power in this arrangement. I said that once and he told me that I have the power to end it (duh). But honestly, they both hold way more cards than I do. I feel like there's red tape everywhere. I can ask and I just get deadend-ed with a no with very little explanation. He tells me to be patient. I know the logical thing is to end it. But that's hard. I realize this may simply be a case of I want what they can't give. I honestly would like to have a full, more co-primary-ish (over time) poly relationship. But I don't think they're ready for that. I feel sometimes like it was unfair of him (dare I say irresponsible?) to initiate a relationship that he can't follow through on. He pushed me to get into this and I wanted to but I had my doubts. And now there are so many restrictions and prescriptive labels and boundaries. It's like we're barely a couple anymore. And really, it's because they're not ready to be open. And it pisses me off and hurts me deeply that he would take that leap with me when he couldn't really keep going with it (and I think that deep down, he knew). I have feelings too and now, I'm in love with some one that can't really give me much of anything. I remember once when he was trying to convince me to date him and he told me about when he'd dated two women. The one was having some issues and so he decided to "focus on her" and broke up with the other one. He uses that phrase in a conversation with me, is being distant and makes up an excuse as to why we can't hang out. I'm not really sure what to think? I don't even know why he bothers with me anyway.
 
Ray I think you are incredibly perceptive about relationships considering you are so young and have never been in one. Certainly what your intuition is telling you makes a lot of sense. You may have hit the nail on the head about them as a couple not being ready.
I said it before, you seem a very together person. I admire you. I don't say that about many young people. Compared to you I am almost dead (49)
 
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