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  #21  
Old 11-10-2010, 07:37 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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First - I want to say thank you to everyone who has replied to this and offered me their sincere honest advice - it is very much appreciated, and it helped both myself and my wife tremendously.

Second, I apologize for the tremendous delay in my reply, a lot has happened since then, and I felt I owed you all an update. In any case, I felt like posting one. Discussing this has been... cathartic, and very beneficial.

I gave her my blessing to continue seeing him, at least until I returned from my trip to California. I think she respected this decision, and understood that it wasn't an entirely easy one for me to make. I did my best to take the high road and be as understanding and supportive as possible. I know now for certain that what Red Pepper said is pretty right on - it was just about the lusty sex, and the release of pent-up sexual energy from my absence, as well as the new excitement and energy that is standard with discovering a connection with a new person.

You'll probably recall that we, being fairly responsible people the vast majority of the time, decided it would be best if she got tested for STDs, since she succumbed to drunken passion and threw caution to the wind with unprotected sex. Well, as it turns out, my instinctive mistrust of the guy was well justified - he did give her (and I) an STD, or more accurately, an STI - Chlamydia. Thankfully, that was all; no other tests have turned anything else up, and we will be getting tested again in several months to rule out anything else for certain. We have both been treated for it, which was very simple and painless, except that it prevented me from being with my own lover again before I left for home, since I had not been with her since being with my wife. She got tested, on the off chance that she was the source of the Chlamydia (or her husband), and was of course negative for any and all STDs, as per her previous tests.

Well, needless to say, I was furious about this, not with her (I'd already been through that and forgiven her for taking the risk), but with him for putting my loved one and myself at risk through deception and habitually risky behavior. At that point it was painfully obvious that he had indeed been with other people since being tested, and hadn't copped to it. At this point, he had left for a two-week trip to Europe, but was still in touch with her via text and email. I informed her that she needed to end it with him, period. She was slightly reluctant, it being a fairly minor STD, but she agreed, doubly when I reminded her that it could just has easily have been something completely life-altering. Needless to say, we fought about this - she wasn't as mad as I was, which just made me angrier, and made me wonder what her malfunction was that she wasn't. This was compounded by the fact that several days passed and she still hadn't contacted him to end it. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that what we were witnessing were my protective male instincts seeing this as betrayal, vs her nurturing female instincts reacting with disappointment rather than fury (she likes bad-boys; if she didn't, she never would have fallen in love with me). Finally, she sent him a message saying it was over in a far kinder way than I would have, and he replied with how sorry he was, blah blah blah, he'll miss her, cherish their time together, yadda yadda. Apparently the message wasn't ENTIRELY clear, because he contacted her again once he returned from his trip, asking if she would join him for dinner. I sent him a text advising him against further contact with my wife. We haven't heard from him since.

We have, however, had an incredible boost to our sex-lives with each other, and I've realized that I need to work on being a better lover now that the bar had been risen. Well, I've been working on it, and we've been having great sex every night since I got back (a month and half now). We haven't been with anyone else since, and for a while, she was in favor of going back to straight monogamy again because of the drama this has caused, until I reminded her that we were both going to want to experience other people at some point again, and that most of this drama could have been avoided with a little more diligence - in the future, it will be safe sex until trust has been established. So, as it stands, we're both open to other lovers still, but haven't been with anyone else since. She has stated that since it's so much easier for her to find a lover than it is for me (admit it, girls), that she wants to wait to take another lover until I have found a new one myself. I told her this isn't something she has to do, but it's what she wants, so I'm ok with it.

As for me now, I'm really starting to wonder how the heck poly dudes meet women! Seems like most ladies want a baby-daddy of their own to keep, and I can't really be that for more than one person. Furthermore, most women won't go near a married guy with a 10-foot pole, and I'm not about to lie about it. I met one woman who seems to be into me, and we've emailed just a little bit back and forth, but because of her busy schedule, we won't get to do any real hanging out until mid-December. We haven't talked enough for the subject of status to come up yet, but she does know I'm a Dad at least, I had the boy with me when I met her. We'll see how it goes, if indeed it goes at all.

Edit: Some other things we've learned from all this... My wife needs me to be a little bit more assertive in our relationship and take a more commanding role, without making her feel inferior or that she's not my partner. This is a very weird and thin line to walk, because on the one hand, she needs that strength and leadership from me, but on the other hand, she's very much a feminist and not into "submitting to a man because he's a man" - something I would never expect because I've always viewed as us partners and don't believe that men are inherently somehow supposed to be in charge. However, she won't respect a man she feels is weak, and I've had to remind her (and myself) that I am not a weak man, but one that deserves respect and admiration, from her, and in fact from everyone who has known me. This seems to be working - and has helped restore my confidence, though sometimes it feels a little odd to do things in a slightly different way, slight though the difference may be.

I've also been exercising a lot more - lifting weights and boxing, which has helped my confidence... Also, the improvements in my body have driven her wild, which is never a bad thing.

Last edited by TheBlackSwede; 11-10-2010 at 07:50 PM.
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  #22  
Old 11-10-2010, 08:55 PM
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Wow, what a great up date. I'm so happy to hear things have turned around. That is always good to hear.

Have you found a poly community yet. Like minded friends can sometimes lead to lovers.
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  #23  
Old 11-10-2010, 10:59 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Nice update

Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
Some other things we've learned from all this... My wife needs me to be a little bit more assertive in our relationship and take a more commanding role, without making her feel inferior or that she's not my partner. This is a very weird and thin line to walk, because on the one hand, she needs that strength and leadership from me, but on the other hand, she's very much a feminist and not into "submitting to a man because he's a man" - something I would never expect because I've always viewed as us partners and don't believe that men are inherently somehow supposed to be in charge. However, she won't respect a man she feels is weak, and I've had to remind her (and myself) that I am not a weak man, but one that deserves respect and admiration, from her, and in fact from everyone who has known me. This seems to be working - and has helped restore my confidence, though sometimes it feels a little odd to do things in a slightly different way, slight though the difference may be.
I can relate to this. I am extremely independent, strong willed, opinionated and I like things done my way. My husband is much more easy going, while also very opinionated and strong willed, but he tends to express his will in a more passive aggressive way instead of just being upfront (which I don't get). This has caused problems in our marriage. It is only recently, that I realized that I need him to be much more assertive and open about his opinions, wants and needs, especially when they differ from mine. He thought he was avoiding conflict and therefore keeping the peace (keeping me happy), when in truth it was only building resentment on all sides.
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  #24  
Old 11-10-2010, 11:59 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Thanks you two, it feels good to come here with some good news and a positive perspective.

As for finding a poly community here, we haven't really been looking too hard - though I know there are some others about. Some friends of ours apparently have a bunch of poly friends, but we've sorta been keeping this lifestyle decision close to the chest, as it were... We're afraid it could have negative career impact for the wife if it was common knowledge, so we're not totally sure who to "come out" to and who not to just yet. I just registered for that "okcupid" site I saw a link to in another thread, and requested to be added to the Virginia poly personals Yahoo! group, but haven't been approved yet. I've tried craigslist, but that just seems to be full of men, gay men who have a thing for straight men, and spambots.

I've also tried going out alone to bars and such a couple times, and usually have no trouble talking to women at all, but there always seems to be some reason things cannot progress beyond a certain point. It's tough to overcome a cockblock without a wingman. Well, that, and I'm really out of practice meeting women at bars, having never really done it before (my wife and I have been together since I was 18).

SNeacail - sounds like a pretty typical guy's strategy - "don't sweat the small stuff." I've been firmer, more opinionated, and more demanding of her lately, and she seems to like it, so hey... No, Chicken Marsala is a TERRIBLE choice for dinner, I cannot abide! Give me Chicken Parmesan or give me death!
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Old 11-11-2010, 12:01 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
It's tough to overcome a cockblock without a wingman.


Translation, please.
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  #26  
Old 11-11-2010, 12:07 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Translation, please.
lol!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...m=cock%20block

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wingman

note that these articles seem to be oriented towards people looking for one-night stands... while I am looking to meet women to have sex with, I'm not really looking for one-night stands. I don't need a hundred more women in my life on different nights, I'd much prefer one more on a hundred different nights.
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Old 11-11-2010, 12:21 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
lol!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...m=cock%20block

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wingman

note that these articles seem to be oriented towards people looking for one-night stands... while I am looking to meet women to have sex with, I'm not really looking for one-night stands. I don't need a hundred more women in my life on different nights, I'd much prefer one more on a hundred different nights.

O-kay... thanks! That "wingman" stuff is kind of douche-baggy though.
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  #28  
Old 11-11-2010, 12:25 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
O-kay... thanks! That "wingman" stuff is kind of douche-baggy though.
Yeah, most of that stuff is douche-baggy, but trying to meet people while alone seldom seems to work. I think women fear a completely solo man.
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  #29  
Old 11-11-2010, 12:29 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
I think women fear a completely solo man.
I think women fear a desperate man, whether solo, or with a "wingman", or in a group.
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  #30  
Old 11-11-2010, 12:44 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I think women fear a desperate man, whether solo, or with a "wingman", or in a group.
Oh, this is certainly true... but I think often times a woman sees a man out by himself and thinks, "Is there a REASON this guy is alone?" Having only 1 other person with you negates this.
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