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Old 11-10-2010, 02:05 PM
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Justbeloving Justbeloving is offline
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Default Back again...

Hello everyone, havent been here for a while. Life got busy, marraige troubles and emotional drain have kept me.

November 14th will be our 23rd anniversary and things are not good. I came out to my husband in March. After a long separation. He left for three weeks.

There are blowups, crying sessions, many many hours of discussion while other important things in our lives get a little neglected (not our kids) It's very draining. We keep coming back to the same conclusion, our love for one another. Things go well for a while, I even dated a little in the summer which he seemed to do well with. He would withdraw and I would encourage him to talk to me. Usually, he would feel better after conversation and moving forward.

Now, even though I have not been dating, there has been a change. He's telling me that my love, my affection, sentiments are meaningless because I have given those away to others. This is heart wrenching for me. This whole thing has been. Watching him struggle breaks my heart, I tell him how sorry I am. I cry. He tells me not to be sorry,not to cry. He says he accepts me, still loves me but it's not the same for him anymore. That this marraige is nothing.

I so much want/need him to understand that my love for HIM could not be the "same" love I might develop for another. I've experienced being in love with another man. Frankly, it enhanced my love for my husband. It seemed to "free" me in many ways. I felt MORE love for my husband (even though at the time, we were separated), its like my love and adoration for my husband just EXPLODES when I have another love interest, my creativity expands, the mundane things in life I am able to make enjoyable and I'm more committed to doing it and doing it well (household things,etc) I have more patience with my kids, feel even CLOSER to Jesus(frankly, He's my reason for being able to come to "me")... my passion for life & for all that I am just seems to grow extensively!!!

Yet, it hurts my husband. I've experienced the "shut down" of my heart, when I am hurting for him, because of him,etc. He wants to leave this marraige so that I can be "free" to "be who you are", he says. Yet, I am not free, somehow if I cannot love & be with my husband, I am unable to have any love for another man. In my heart, mind and soul, it makes no sense to love another without my husband. Impossible.

*Hubby understands and accepts who I am. Even contributed to the reason with a brilliant thought. Two fathers since I was 4, biological & step, both whom I was close with, loved & adored growing up.

*Hubby thinks maybe divorce but still living together or just divorce and leaving.

*Hubby knows I love him and him, I. When I'm down on my knees in front of him, hands wandering, looking up in love and adoration he believes, accepts, owns my words when I tell him how sexy he is,etc. Yet, the simplicity of refering to him as babe or gorgeous verbally or text, he says he can't own. He doesnt believe me. This makes no sense to me.

Broken hearted and struggling to understand. Any thoughts?
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:01 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Hi Justbeloving,

Welcome back...I would urge you to ask your husband to really consider being poly as a unit. I'd suggest you give him some time to get over the initial shock. It seems to me that your husband his trying to give you the option to choose him or hes walking..again this is his initial reaction which in most cases is not a rational one. I would tell him that his love fills you up and there is no one that will need to top it off and that its all him....but that having another person that can love her will bring in a different cup which does not interfere with his. Poly counseling is a great way for him to express his emotion and over come fears.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO BE WHO YOU ARE...I wouldn't let his discomfort put you in a box that prevents you from exploring who you are.

You and your husband have YEARS of love and companionship I'm sure if his is willing that you and he can work it out...

Best regards
PT
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:15 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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As per normal, everything I am about to say could be completely irrelevant to your situation. It is from my perspective


I'd say you are up against one of the hardest things for a person who is monogamous to understand; that the words you say to him are the same you say to another and still have any meaning. The other thing is the concept of value where there is quantity. Let me explain a little and I hope this helps. A coin or comic collector generally appreciates and has faith in the value of a rare edition to his collection. They treat it different, show it off, pamper it and feel a certain pride that they are the only one to have it. If they were to suddenly discover that almost all other collectors had the same edition or could acquire it, its value plummets in their mind. There is nothing special or unique about what they have anymore. So now the challenge for the collector is to find value from a different perspective, based on different criteria or discard the idea that the coin/comic is a valuable commodity.

The duplicity of words spoken to lovers is a sensitive topic. I sometimes get hit by the transference of experience when Redpepper and I are together. We could be doing something and I will switch into a space where it is someone else with her...not her husband, but maybe her tertiary or non sexual boyfriend, or maybe just a friend. She is responding the same way, saying the same things, looking at them the same way. It's not particularly pleasant and this type of thing might be what your husband experiences. So while you're on your knees in front of him (using your own words merely as an example) he may be seeing you with others in the same way.

He needs to find his own faith in what you say to him. I think you've done your part, now it's up to him.
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:52 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Welcome back Justbeloving. Let me start by saying that I'm sorry you're in this particular situation. I love the analogy that Mono used. Hit it right on the head. Have you thought about having him join this site so he can read some others experiences?

The only other words of advice I have are keep those lines of communication as open as possible and give him time to adjust. My wife and I moved at a snails pace at the beginning because that's what we both needed to sort through feelings and emotions.
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Old 11-10-2010, 05:32 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
As per normal, everything I am about to say could be completely irrelevant to your situation. It is from my perspective


I'd say you are up against one of the hardest things for a person who is monogamous to understand; that the words you say to him are the same you say to another and still have any meaning. The other thing is the concept of value where there is quantity. Let me explain a little and I hope this helps. A coin or comic collector generally appreciates and has faith in the value of a rare edition to his collection. They treat it different, show it off, pamper it and feel a certain pride that they are the only one to have it. If they were to suddenly discover that almost all other collectors had the same edition or could acquire it, its value plummets in their mind. There is nothing special or unique about what they have anymore. So now the challenge for the collector is to find value from a different perspective, based on different criteria or discard the idea that the coin/comic is a valuable commodity.

The duplicity of words spoken to lovers is a sensitive topic. I sometimes get hit by the transference of experience when Redpepper and I are together. We could be doing something and I will switch into a space where it is someone else with her...not her husband, but maybe her tertiary or non sexual boyfriend, or maybe just a friend. She is responding the same way, saying the same things, looking at them the same way. It's not particularly pleasant and this type of thing might be what your husband experiences. So while you're on your knees in front of him (using your own words merely as an example) he may be seeing you with others in the same way.

He needs to find his own faith in what you say to him. I think you've done your part, now it's up to him.
This is a great way to put it...I'd like to spin that a different way...if you find another comic/coin that is just as rare and special that does not demish the value of there one you previously had...right?
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Old 11-10-2010, 05:50 PM
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The love the two of you have for each of your children does not diminish or undo the love you have for the other(s). Love for multiple partners really is quite similar in this (or at least it is for me): one does not change or lessen the other. Each is precious and unique, and built upon unique circumstances and personalities.

My very, very best to the two of you.

Last edited by Ruby; 11-10-2010 at 05:53 PM.
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Old 11-10-2010, 06:13 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
This is a great way to put it...I'd like to spin that a different way...if you find another comic/coin that is just as rare and special that does not demish the value of there one you previously had...right?
Very cool! The big thing is seeing relationships as individual and unique as the hypothetical coin or comic. It's very hard to do, no doubt because of the intensity of emotions involved and the primal nature of our resistance.
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Old 11-10-2010, 06:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Very cool! The big thing is seeing relationships as individual and unique as the hypothetical coin or comic. It's very hard to do, no doubt because of the intensity of emotions involved and the primal nature of our resistance.
I think this is why I prefer to see it in terms of potentially-analogous human relationships. I don't feel for my two children the way I'd feel about two rare coins.

I can see analogies in my deep love for my children with my love for my partners: love of one child does not negate, lessen, or cheapen my love of my other child. If anything, it enhances the love I feel for both, because they are so delightfully different from each other. It's exciting to be with one, the other, or both.

But at least my partners are not still throwing the occasional temper tantrum, and can do their own math homework. *laugh*
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Old 11-10-2010, 07:15 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
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But at least my partners are not still throwing the occasional temper tantrum, and can do their own math homework. *laugh*
HAHA! Very true. I have such a huge divide in the type of love I feel for a Lover as oposed to anyone else. Coincidentally though, I have one daughter. When my ex-wife and I decided not to have anymore I told her I was glad cause I probably wouldn't love them as much LOL! That was 14 years ago when my daughter turned three. I am one hard core mono dude!
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Old 11-10-2010, 07:44 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
this is a great way to put it...i'd like to spin that a different way...if you find another comic/coin that is just as rare and special that does not demish the value of there one you previously had...right?
love this!!!!
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