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Old 11-10-2010, 11:31 AM
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Erato Erato is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Massachusetts, USA
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Post Musings of Erato

So, I've been thinking about writing something here for a while now. I'll just recap what has happened before I move onto the time since I last posted here and the present.

Curious

When I introduced myself here I wasn't sure if I was poly or not, just that I was poly-curious/had tendencies toward that, but felt no urgency to figure things out.

Confused

Then I fell in lust/unresolved dregs of love with an Ex boyfriend who is as far from me physically as my current boyfriend is. After a lot of miscommunication on the subject I stopped being a defensive jerk about it and listened to what he had to say, and he felt he could share honestly, when I realised that he had a point about how my Ex was treating me and disrespecting my partner and our relationship. I subsequently fell out of Lust with the Ex.

But not before one last cry for help to help me 'understand' monogamy (like it was a foreign language I could buy a dictionary for! Haha...) Which helped me to realise that I couldn't understand my partner's feelings on this subject, nor talk him into understanding mine, and I would just have to accept them.

And then something unexpected happened.

This was early to mid August (I think), and I was due to meet my boyfriend ('Bold' on the forums) at the end of that month, and I don't really know how to accurately explain it. I was scared to try to explain it until now, honestly, because I didn't want to feel like I was going back on what I had said before and start contradicting myself. Well, anyway, to get to the point: I suddenly started to enjoy monogamy. The point is something major shifted for me.

Poly enjoying Mono...?

This might not be strange to some people (one poster commented on one of my threads that they were poly but in a mono relationship and had no problem with it) but to me it was extremely strange! I can't explain the change other than vague guesses about needing to feel that my being poly was validated and coming to realise that I didn't have to date more than one person to be poly (just like having a boyfriend doesn't make me straight) and that it was okay for me to be poly and my simply being poly wasn't hurting anyone or in any way wrong or depraved. Probably also more trust in my partner that he wasn't trying to be as controlling as my previous boyfriend had been - my current boyfriend is in no way controlling actually! - and that he wasn't trying to stop me from being happy; I was plenty good at doing that for myself.

Anyway, to detail the feeling itself more: I felt giddy at the idea of monogamy, like I had NRE with it, and I was very wary of this feeling (as was my boyfriend!) because I was sure it would disappear and leave me heart broken again soon enough. The very idea of only being intimate with him is...dare I say...kinky to me? It's bizarre but I can't think of how else to describe it. He made me see how monogamy can be beautiful and pleasurable without being restrictive and suffocating.

It's mid-November now, we've had our visit (which was lovely, by the way), and I still feel the same way. The feeling has faded ever so slightly but when I focus on the idea of the closed circuit (careful, Erato, your computer-geek is showing) that we make together I still get a huge kick out of it. I now know that this doesn't make me mono but I feel like, well, I've learnt to enjoy it, basically. Perhaps this was a process for me in overcoming damage done by jealous and possessive partners past (my reactions to their behaviours are what I really had to overcome more than anything else) and now I can see that just because it's the same set-up this relationship doesn't have to have the same result.

So, after 3.5 months I'm still in love with Bold (perhaps more than ever before) and still excited to spend my life with only him - romantically and sexually speaking. I think he's still a lil wary of this, understandably after 1.5 years of debate on the topic, but I think it has been a load off for both of us. I never expected this to happen and I don't expect it to last forever but I am certainly enjoying having the same goals and similiar feelings about our relationship as my partner.
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