My space

[Derbylicious]

We did talk and came to the conclusion that I have to be really clear about exactly what the invitation into my time/space entails. As for being on my best behaviour, I kind of do have to be for the time being. It's pretty much like being around any new partner of a friend. You want to give them a good impression and make them comfortable (or at least I do). The stakes are higher being that it's my husband. I would really hate to think when they are talking alone that she wonders what on earth he could possibly see in me.

Last night I danced around the kitchen like a doofus. It was fun and made the kids laugh but that's the kind of thing I'm not comfortable doing around her yet. I know that my husband knows her well and is really comfortable with her but I'm not in that place yet.

[eklctc]

Dancing around the kitchen sounds really fun. I completely understand what you are saying about comfort levels. It's a gradual thing but, hopefully, it'll all work out for the best. I look forward to keeping up with your journey.

[eklctc]

I just want to thank everyone for a great thread. Now that I've gone from girlfriend to metamour in my poly triad relationship, I'm sure we will encounter this and much more.

[redpepper]

What attachment do you have to her talking to him about what he sees in you? This seems like another concern no? I just would hate to see you get stuck in a cat and mouse chase around making sure she likes you and doing stuff for them that you think will make her like you or show them you are something you aren't.

Everything you feel and perseverate on is completely valid and rational. I am wondering if there is more to this as I know how much you push yourself for other peoples comfort. Sometimes it seems beyond your own comfort.

[Derbylicious]

It's my own self image garbage. That's why I'm not totally at ease and why I want her to like me so much. It really doesn't have anything to do with her as much as being so desperate for acceptance. I'm pretty self conscious about who I am and the things that I do a lot of the time. I'm silly and I do things that adults aren't really "supposed" to do.

Maybe I worry about the "what do you see in her?" talk because I sometimes feel that way about her too. I don't get her for the most part. In some ways she's very different from me. She seems to be quite needy and fragile in a way. I'm well...not.

On the needy and fragile note I have a fear that when my husband is away again that she's going to come to me for support when she's feeling needy. I don't know that I can (or want) to be someone she relies on for support. I can take care of myself and the kids but any more than that I might crack. We've had friends before that we were the main support to and it got very very wearing. I don't mind being friends and hanging out once in a while for coffee or to make dinner together but what I don't want is for her to show up (or even to ask to show up) whenever her other partner is otherwise occupied. I have a bad habit of being the caretaker with people and she seems like someone who needs a lot of care given to her.

Wow I think there's a lot more going on here than I originally thought there was. This is a boundary issue. I'm not in a place where I want to be in anything more than a superficial friendship with her. I think that I need to find a way to make that clear to her without making it sound like it has anything to do with her relationship with my husband (because it really doesn't). Pretty much whatever they have with each other is fine by me until it starts putting pressure on me to be and do more than *I* want to.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

It's my own self image garbage. That's why I'm not totally at ease and why I want her to like me so much. It really doesn't have anything to do with her as much as being so desperate for acceptance. I'm pretty self conscious about who I am and the things that I do a lot of the time. I'm silly and I do things that adults aren't really "supposed" to do.

so what are you going to do about changing this, or are you okay with it?

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

On the needy and fragile note I have a fear that when my husband is away again that she's going to come to me for support when she's feeling needy. I don't know that I can (or want) to be someone she relies on for support. I can take care of myself and the kids but any more than that I might crack. We've had friends before that we were the main support to and it got very very wearing. I don't mind being friends and hanging out once in a while for coffee or to make dinner together but what I don't want is for her to show up (or even to ask to show up) whenever her other partner is otherwise occupied. I have a bad habit of being the caretaker with people and she seems like someone who needs a lot of care given to her......Wow I think there's a lot more going on here than I originally thought there was. This is a boundary issue. I'm not in a place where I want to be in anything more than a superficial friendship with her. I think that I need to find a way to make that clear to her without making it sound like it has anything to do with her relationship with my husband (because it really doesn't). Pretty much whatever they have with each other is fine by me until it starts putting pressure on me to be and do more than *I* want to. .

Soooo, why do you have to support her? I don't get it, she hasn't asked you to, you don't want to, you have a full plate already, it seems that if she encroaches you can just not be available. She has other partners to talk to, I'm not sure talking to you is the best idea anyways... I don't talk to your husband about you, other than to support you in something... maybe this is a worry that is not really based in reality yet... so therefore, you could just decide to let it go until there is a reason to worry?

[MyNameIsMaam]

I totally understand wanting your own house back. It's like having out of town company - after a few days, it gets old and they need to leave. I read your comment about being on your best behavior and imagined you playing the gracious hostess - which is hard to sustain for long periods of time. Some guests can tell when it's time to go, some need a little help. Tell hubby and let him be your help for this.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of sending them out to breakfast with the kids. So funny!!!

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by redpepper

so what are you going to do about changing this, or are you okay with it??

Well I think that the first step is recognizing that this is the self talk that I have with myself and then I can interrupt it when it starts to happen. It's kind of a weird throw back to a younger me who really cared a whole bunch what people thought of her. I thought that I had moved past that but apparently there are still some situations where I'm really self concious. I'm not sure what the step is after interrupting the negative self talk. I'm not too sure what to replace it with, I'll work on it.

Originally Posted by redpepper

Soooo, why do you have to support her? I don't get it, she hasn't asked you to, you don't want to, you have a full plate already, it seems that if she encroaches you can just not be available. She has other partners to talk to, I'm not sure talking to you is the best idea anyways... I don't talk to your husband about you, other than to support you in something... maybe this is a worry that is not really based in reality yet... so therefore, you could just decide to let it go until there is a reason to worry?

I think that you're right. This is something that I have to let go of since it's not a reality at all but rather a worse case scenario. Since I already know that being her support would be too much for me I think I can work on making sure that I respect my own boundaries. Something for future Derby to worry about though

[Mohegan]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

You want to give them a good impression and make them comfortable (or at least I do). The stakes are higher being that it's my husband. I would really hate to think when they are talking alone that she wonders what on earth he could possibly see in me.

Last night I danced around the kitchen like a doofus. It was fun and made the kids laugh but that's the kind of thing I'm not comfortable doing around her yet. I know that my husband knows her well and is really comfortable with her but I'm not in that place yet.

I totaly get this. It was part of why I called a stop to Cricket staying the night every weekend. I felt like I was losing my house, my husband and myself. I have my routines, and I need them. When someone is here,especialy someone I'm not comfortable with, I can't be myself and follow my routines so my whole me is thrown off.

I'm glad you guys talked about it and I hope you find a way to work through the new worries that were brought up.

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

It's my own self image garbage. That's why I'm not totally at ease and why I want her to like me so much. It really doesn't have anything to do with her as much as being so desperate for acceptance. I'm pretty self conscious about who I am and the things that I do a lot of the time.

This is so very much the way I used to be. It took me a very long time to come to terms with, and finally to embrace, the fact that in many ways I am just different than other people. I used to think I was a total weirdo. I still think so, but now I know that weird is just different, and different is good. And besides, I didn't create myself, God did. He did such an awesome job on his other work, I've gotta figure I wasn't his first major screw-up.

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

I'm silly and I do things that adults aren't really "supposed" to do.

Me too, and my sweet Fidelio WAY more than me. We say "better silly than boring!"