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  #61  
Old 10-18-2010, 05:53 AM
RainbowDreamscape RainbowDreamscape is offline
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Smile More open minded than I thought.

I had the talk with my husband... After spending a day with a friend who dispensed a lot of great advice & helped me get my thoughts in order. After hanging with my friend I went home to another planned night of lovemaking that got railroaded by these issues my husband has been having... That turned into drama, crying, basically a fight. It cemented the need to have this talk further. The next day we finally had a makeup session, which was awesome- but even that cemented this poly need in my brain. I need more than my husband can possibly give. I give him more than he can absorb.

So I was empowered to talk to him about it tonight. I started by asking: "how open minded are we in our relationship?". Would we be open to bringing others in? How would he react if I needed another lover? He responded by saying that he acknowledged that he cannot give much more at this point in his life. And that he would be open to learning more & I insisted that all terms be agreed upon... So nothing is hidden or in the dark. So we are reading the resources together & we shall see how this goes.
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  #62  
Old 10-18-2010, 06:10 AM
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Originally Posted by RainbowDreamscape View Post
"how open minded are we in our relationship?". Would we be open to bringing others in? How would he react if I needed another lover?
I love how respectfully you approached this. You said it in terms of "we" and not "I" and I think that is a very good place to start in poly. It really is about both of you when you start with a couple. The dynamic you will embark on is about everyone after that and there is changes that come with that, but to know that it is about both of you from the beginning is very reassuring I would think for your partner.
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He responded by saying that he acknowledged that he cannot give much more at this point in his life. And that he would be open to learning more & I insisted that all terms be agreed upon... So nothing is hidden or in the dark. So we are reading the resources together & we shall see how this goes.
Good for you doing this with him rather than without. If this new person that you for see is to be made real and be a positive then it is great that you are both on board! Now to boundary setting... well, keep up the good work I say
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  #63  
Old 10-19-2010, 05:15 AM
RainbowDreamscape RainbowDreamscape is offline
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Default Update

I sent my hubby some links in a few emails today- he read them @ work & we talked about it tonight. He said he is definitely not interested in "joining"- I kept telling him: "it's not a group!" ;p. He said he's supportive but wants to stay mono... Which I suspected.

As for me seeking other men- he's like: "yeah, you could have a man who likes to cook, or a man who can fix computers... But I don't see myself finding a girl who can fix computers."

He also thinks this is a phase for me, and that I'm doing it because I'm bored. But he's supportive because it's a quest for happiness. He said if I meet someone from the "group" ;p that I have sex with Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday & it doesn't bring me happiness then I'll forget it & the quest for happiness continues somewhere else... Or if it does bring me happiness then both ways he wins. He just wants me to be happy.

He is going to start therapy soon because he has major issues with communication. Tonight he admitted to it being a problem over our whole six years together... This is HUGE! To get him to admit ANY fault is such a miracle. So right there, I see that our relationship improving.
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  #64  
Old 11-05-2010, 01:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default That 'initial' poly discussion

I'd like to start a thread that maybe will draw out some experiences and wisdom from others that may help many people get over that initial step easier.

This happened to be prompted by an intro post I just read and got me thinking. It's such a common struggle and is an area that is so critical to navigate as best possible if the prospects going forward can evoke as little pain and hardship as possible.

So.............question is..........

How do you open the discussion of what polyamory really is and how to live it with your SO who is either 'wired mono' (if this is real) or has just never had the slightest exposure to the whole thought train and philosophy.

I can only offer up my (my mate & I) experience as a starter.

Although I was 'always' poly minded - or a least since I took the time as a teenager to put some serious thought and study into what the word (and actions) 'Love' really meant. The monogamous model - to my naturally analytical mind - just was full of cracks and what appeared unrealistic expectations. Seemed doomed to struggle and failure in a majority of cases.

So............

The fact that the girl that eventually became my mate was married to my best friend for a time before eventually being forced to deal with the connection we had, seemed to subject me to a 'test' of my theory. Test passed with flying colors. Never any real jealousy - just acceptance.

Now.............many years later, her first test.

Via a what most would call a 'swinging' connection (we dabbled in that a bit when the mood struck both being highly sexual people), a woman appeared who I discovered a strong connection with. Accompanied with the typical NRE etc. It became obvious that there was more there between us than sex.
At the point this was becoming obvious - my mate approaced me with the killer question.
"Do you love her?"
After a moment's consideration on what the correct answer to that question was, I decided that this was the time to cross this bridge once & for all. The answer was "yes". And this of course led to months of exploration of what that word REALLY meant. And a lot of painful struggle. Because of complication on my mates end, as well as new girl's husbands, we eventually had to have a painful break for the good of the masses (families, mates etc). Painful as it was, we both agreed it was the "right" choice for the greatest good.

You see, my mate, despite the open, free environment (sexually) we were raised in, was still very programmed about what the concept of 'love' meant between two people. The programming specified pairing as the only 'real' definition of what most refer to as 'romantic' love. In that model there simply was no space for more than two ! The concept that if there was anything less than lifelong infatuation (NRE) between two people, it meant the 'love' wasn't real. This was/is the foundation of that belief system.

Crash, smash ! Belief system is pieces. Crisis. Chaos. Pain.
It took time. And lots of learning & analyzing. Identifying the source of the belief system (programming).

But yes - we got there. So much stronger and so much more loved. Our relationship moved to a whole different level. Much clearer understanding of what our 'connection' REALLY is - and what it would - and should-mean to us in the future.

But that's our story..............

How have any/all of you shined the light into that dark tunnel with your otherwise unsuspecting partner ?

What words and resources have you used to explain what was a complex revelation to them that was so simple to you ?

Maybe this can help others yet to cross that bridge ?

GS

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 11-05-2010 at 01:54 PM.
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  #65  
Old 11-05-2010, 04:18 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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I think that it depends on the circumstances….Wifey and I were having sexual interactions with women some time after our NRE came to a plateau. I was enjoying myself. One of our friends with benefits was at our house and I asked her just hypo if her family or spiritual beliefs would prevent her from being our girlfriend…..we talked about this at length (the three of us….) That relationship didn’t work because she wasn’t into women…”it was just Wifey” but really she was being with me through Wifey…but that is another story…..

Our current girlfriend our sweet sweet Nik….We just told her that if we was to ever have another girlfriend that she would be it she had already had some knowledge about poly because we had all been together sexually …she had just gotten out of a 5 year lez relationship and her and I had had a connect from our teenage days…so it just all fit…..we talked about how much of a challenge it would be and we ran with it…so far we have been through a lot but we are all very much in love with each other…and the bad stuff was all worth it…
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  #66  
Old 11-05-2010, 08:50 PM
redrose129 redrose129 is offline
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Well, being in my situation, it's a difficult answer to answer. Unlike the two previous post, my husband and I have never previously discussed anything other than a "christian" lifestyle. A few years ago, I cam out and told him i have ssa's and was considering having a gf. We have been married 10 years but have been together since I was 15. He was shocked and has still not definatively answered the "question" or explained what he thought.

After researching the LGBTQ community and knowing what i was looking for, another married women to have a relationship with and not just play or swing with. I decided i wanted someone who would eventually meet my daughter and my husband, maybe go on vacations with us and be "family". my daughter would treat her like an aunt etc. i would do the same for her family. So I realized, this sounds poly. So i started researching polyamorous ny. and joined as many groups as i could find and trying to learn as much as possible.

I'm a straight forward person so I totally told him, right away I was considering a poly lifestyle. He still hasnt said anything but i fully intend on this. I am open and honest.. soo i just flat out told him. but currently i'm still in "limbo". I think he thinks because i haven't had any interactions with anyone who's poly OR bi, it's not really going to happen. I think he's put it on the back burner, but we'll see.

this probably didn't provide the desired outcome some may wish for, so maybe my method of just flat out telling your so isn't the best, lol.

RR
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  #67  
Old 11-05-2010, 09:00 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Originally Posted by redrose129 View Post
A few years ago, I cam out and told him i have ssa's and was considering having a gf.
Forgive my ignorance, what's ssa's?

Quote:
this probably didn't provide the desired outcome some may wish for, so maybe my method of just flat out telling your so isn't the best, lol.
I haven't even gotten up the nerve to have the discussion with my husband yet. I have left subtle hints, but he doesn't do well with hints, so I probably will have to say it flat out, this is what I want ...
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  #68  
Old 11-05-2010, 09:54 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I flat out told him.
But it was after I'd had an affair.

I HAD explained my understanding of love to him-which is different than his MANY TIMES prior to that.
He already KNEW I was in love with GG before this came to a head.

I think my way SUCKED.

Ironically-in going through old letters (from 1992 to current) that GG saved, I was talking ABOUT this lifestyle from that point on. But I didn't know what it was called. I thought there was something wrong with me.

I went into a LOT of detail explaining to GG that I just couldn't be his woman BECAUSE I "knew" he would want a wife, family, white picket fence and I knew I just could NOT commit to that.

I figured out I was bi in 1992 or 1993. I'm not sure WHICH-I could go look it up, but it's not important.

I honestly gave in to marriage because Maca gave me an ultimatum. It was dumb. I shouldn't have. It was devastating for BOTH of us and many other people too.

I DO love Maca.
I DO believe we are meant to be together.

But by giving in to his ultimatum for marriage-I compromised my beliefs, "sold my soul to the devil" so to speak. It ruined me. After years of falling apart, I got low enough to have an affair and couldn't seem to drag my ass out of the quicksand sucking me down.
When I finally figured out that the key to getting out of the quicksand was to lay flat and still.... I wrote Maca and letter explaining (we do better if we write, read, think, then talk) and waited for him to read and talk to me. He got shitfaced drunk and passed out.....
The rest is blogged on here.
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  #69  
Old 11-05-2010, 10:21 PM
redrose129 redrose129 is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Forgive my ignorance, what's ssa's?



I haven't even gotten up the nerve to have the discussion with my husband yet. I have left subtle hints, but he doesn't do well with hints, so I probably will have to say it flat out, this is what I want ...
Hi there!! nice to meet you. ssa = same sex attractions. I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations either. I only know that one because i came out as queer/bi first.

I was raised that telling the truth up front is always a hundred times better than getting caught in a lie. so i didn't tell him right away. I couldn't even understand why i was attractive so sexually to this lady. after researching and speaking with other lgbt women, married women, and bi's i realized oh jeez, i really was attracted to her. it was funny to think i couldn't believe i was attracted to her...lol. I shocked myself!

anyway, i think the positive thing of doing it this way and being completely upfront about what im researching, thinking, planning, as created a tiny little bit of trust. but its still a slooooow process for us, i guess. luckily for the "adjustment period" there's noooo poly ladies married bi ladies anywhere near me...lol....so it hasn't come up...beyond my attractions for some straight women..lol.
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  #70  
Old 11-05-2010, 10:33 PM
redrose129 redrose129 is offline
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very interesting. wow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I flat out told him.
But it was after I'd had an affair.

I HAD explained my understanding of love to him-which is different than his MANY TIMES prior to that.
He already KNEW I was in love with GG before this came to a head.

I think my way SUCKED.

Ironically-in going through old letters (from 1992 to current) that GG saved, I was talking ABOUT this lifestyle from that point on. But I didn't know what it was called. I thought there was something wrong with me.

I went into a LOT of detail explaining to GG that I just couldn't be his woman BECAUSE I "knew" he would want a wife, family, white picket fence and I knew I just could NOT commit to that.

I figured out I was bi in 1992 or 1993. I'm not sure WHICH-I could go look it up, but it's not important.

I honestly gave in to marriage because Maca gave me an ultimatum. It was dumb. I shouldn't have. It was devastating for BOTH of us and many other people too.

I DO love Maca.
I DO believe we are meant to be together.

But by giving in to his ultimatum for marriage-I compromised my beliefs, "sold my soul to the devil" so to speak. It ruined me. After years of falling apart, I got low enough to have an affair and couldn't seem to drag my ass out of the quicksand sucking me down.
When I finally figured out that the key to getting out of the quicksand was to lay flat and still.... I wrote Maca and letter explaining (we do better if we write, read, think, then talk) and waited for him to read and talk to me. He got shitfaced drunk and passed out.....
The rest is blogged on here.
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