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  #11  
Old 10-21-2010, 07:12 AM
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@ Sage

I worry about it too. I have yet to figure out whether it's something that she will become more comfortable with time and is wanting to be able to make herself more comfortable or if she doesn't feel like it, ie not actively working towards pushing her boundaries. Because there's definitely a difference. And given the emotional weight of the relationship, I think there will come a time where I may have to let it go if they just can't open that aspect of the relationship up. But I'm trying to be patient. It's only been four months and she's never done this before. Other than the physical stuff, she's been pretty lax. I try not to think about how hard it would be to have to end it because of that. I'm falling pretty hard for him.
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  #12  
Old 10-25-2010, 04:06 AM
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Lately, it seems like after we all hang out on the weekend after I get home, I tend to get sort of down. No matter how hard I try to remember what a good time we had. Like I wish I didn't have to leave. Well, I do wish I didn't have to. I love getting to snuggle up with them at night and just laze around the house on sunday mornings. Just doing the mundane things. I wish I got to do that all week. I know it's better right now, esp. being secondary that I invest time into things of my own. Trying to enjoy life separate from them. It's harder knowing that they get to be together everyday but I don't. I wish I felt more content with what I do get to have. Sometimes, it just doesn't feel like quite enough for me. Then I feel like I'm being greedy. At least O decided to sleep in the middle last night. It just feels more equitable to me. Then I don't have to fret that A feels left by not getting to cuddle with him. I doubt she actually minds. I'm probably just projecting my thoughts. I do try pretty hard to be respectful of their relationship. Maybe I hope that if she sees how much I respect their relationship, then she'll be comfortable with more things. Or maybe I just think too much! We did have quite a fun time on saturday night. Watched a hilarious movie, I laughed so hard I almost puked everywhere. And snuggling. Did I mention that I like to cuddle?
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  #13  
Old 10-28-2010, 09:47 PM
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It's funny how a little bit of space can make things feel better. Sometimes, I think I just try too hard. And I can have unrealistic expectations, which leads to disappointment. It was good to have a few days to myself, though. Breathing room and all. I guess I'll keep that in mind for the future. Last night, as I was biking home from work, late at night, I was almost hit head on by a car going the wrong way in my lane. She'd turned out of the hospital and instead of pulling in front of me into her lane, she pulled straight into my lane and nearly ran me over. Needless to say I was pretty upset and then she said that I didn't have any lights on my bike and so it was my fault (I have two and they were on and flashing). Then, after I started biking away, I had a panic attack. Eventually collected myself and got home safe. But it's scary. Knowing that one little thing could change your life or end it. Then, I had a job interview today. Fingers crossed. I hope it works out. I would be able to finally be financially independent from my parents.
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  #14  
Old 10-30-2010, 08:06 PM
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So, I had a complete meltdown yesterday. O and A planned a date for the night we usually hang out but didn't mention to me but then @ training when someone asked about plans for the weekend, O brought it up. Really, the meltdown was about more than just that. Every since he needed to make some changes to what we could do physically, I've been having a hard time. I keep trying to make it work but I don't know if it is. We've been trying to make this a secondary relationship but I'm not sure if that's a good fit. I'm not sure of where to go next. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. No matter what I do, it's going to be difficult for one reason or another. I could break up with him (probably the most logical) but I just don't want to and whenever I think about it, it's painful and difficult and I'm starting to cry just thinking about it now. We could stay together and try to make it work, figure out what we need to be alright. But I'm not sure that he can give what I need. Well, the issue is more that, she's not comfortable with him being more for me I don't think. We could try something in between, a bit more of a FWB arrangement. Maybe if I had a primary, I would be more ok being the secondary with O. But I mean, it's not like I can just go to the grocery store and pick a primary off the shelf. I've also had to work really late at my job and I'm always so tired these days and that really affects my mood. So I'm a little more depressed than usual to begin with. Argh...
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  #15  
Old 11-03-2010, 07:02 AM
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Hugs. I know how this feels! Kinda feeling the same way right now.
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