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  #31  
Old 10-31-2010, 10:05 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@Neon- thanks for the vote of confidence. Sheesh. j/k~ Yea, I've been told throughout my years that I have a limited people base to work with in various aspects. It's okay. I know I am destined for happiness, success, and love so I will continue to live through the trials, learn, influence, and hopefully be magnificent when I do find the right circumstances for me!
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  #32  
Old 10-31-2010, 10:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
@Neon- thanks for the vote of confidence.
I did mean it as a compliment towards you. I'm sorry that the implications of that compliment are a bit shy of optimal as far as the overall picture is concerned.
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  #33  
Old 11-01-2010, 12:10 PM
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pancake pancake is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
. I wonder if triads are easier to form when there is no established couples. Darn those couples and their established communication patterns. It's like it's own culture.
Ray, too funny!
Ekl...you are a strong lady...I admire you! Keep us posted on how it's fanning out...
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  #34  
Old 11-01-2010, 01:30 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi again Ekl

Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
@GS- At this point, I can't help but take it personally that she is not physically attracted to me (even though, what she said was, she wasn't as physically attracted to me as I was to her-whatever the fuck that means). I take it personally because he/she/both, I feel, have lead me on. She has been sexual with me, solo, knowing she really didn't want to. She has participated with us together knowing she really didn't want to have sex with me. She has consistently made comments to support her attraction to me knowing it was not the truth.
I can see your frustration - seriously.
It makes me wonder whether she in particular has ever gotten beyond the phase of keeping her real feelings etc beyond the superficial level that always exists between people at first. I think you are alluding to as much when you say it's apparent she hasn't allowed herself to open fully to you on any emotional level. Maybe we are saying the same thing.

And it's common, and desirable in some cases, to go with the flow for a bit even though we don't initially have/feel the real desire with the idea that first impressions may be wrong, things can grow over time etc. You get the idea. If this is the way she operates internally, it may be that she's only coming to a realization after some time that the connection just isn't going to be there. But she gave it an honest try ?? (sexually and whatever else)

And the crazy thing is that a lot of times, it's simple, stupid LITTLE things ! Maybe she doesn't like your perfume, how much makeup you wear, your laugh etc etc.

Which makes me wonder again if you guys have ever progressed to the phase that you can be totally honest with each other and all understand it's importance and that anything that needs saying won't be taken as hurtful. It's not easy for a lot of people, especially those who have had to live a life in the "politically correct" stream. Wouldn't it be a shame to find out is was just a preference in body oil ?? Not likely the case - but who knows.

So - are you there yet ? Is she ? Are you all as a group ?

It's not natural in modern society. Takes a lot of retraining.

Good luck

GS
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  #35  
Old 11-02-2010, 04:54 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I feel for you. I would take it personally too in light of the swinging thing and the secrecy. I would be mighty confused and hurt.

I think that a vee could work no? I am the hinge of a vee and we are working just fine as a unit of three. A triad indicates sex and connection that comes with it to me. But my two guys have connection and a strong bond, that is why it works so well. I think that really its ideal and could be for you too. After all, you know your new metamour more that most would at this stage. that might be a good thing. An adjustment would have to occur though I would think... that is a hard blow to go from girlfriend to metamour.
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  #36  
Old 11-02-2010, 07:00 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@GS- Thanks agains for your feedback. You know, I don't know what I know at this point as far as she is concerned. I did have my regular meet up with my male partner last night and we are on the same page but he has to sit and speak with her so they can figure out where she 'truly' is and, in turn, where 'they' are before he and I will know what options he and I have.

Personally, I have always been a brutally honest person (though I do try to exercise some tact at least 50% of the time) with myself and with others. I don't put up my hologram for anyone (well, I may turn her on just a bit in Corporate America). I have been a 'this is me, take me as I am or move the hell around' type of person for at least 15 years. Yes, I know, this is not the norm for many and it is hard for people to allow themselves to connect with a person like that because it forces them to take a long, hard look at themselves. Well, that Look is not as bad as people think...it's refreshing, revealing, and liberating but I understand so many are not ready for that type of scrutiny of self. So, I don't have an issue with total honest and operate that way in my daily life regardless of the relationship type it is applied to. I don't know any other way to live. Then again, I began straying from the viewpoints and bandwagon of modern society as a teenager and have never looked back so there is much about my experiences and viewpoints that do not get approval.

You are right, GS. Maybe she did take the 'go with the flow' approach so I wouldn't fault her for that. However, where does her verbal and physical expressions of emotional connection, interests in my sexual satisfaction, and attraction fall into that 'go with the flow' approach? Where does the line cease at giving an honest effort hoping your original perspective can broaden along the way and turn into leading someone on by intentionally acting in a way that doesn't support that perspective?
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  #37  
Old 11-02-2010, 07:05 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@redpepper- Thanks for stopping by. A vee could work at some point but, I know, I have to sort through my emotions around her. I don't take being hurt and mislead lightly so it is something I do have to work on. You are absolutely right. It is definitely a hard blow when your relationship role changes so drastically, so quickly. They are very new to the poly concept and it was really my male partner's desire and ideal setting so we'll have to see what comes out of their conversation before we will know if a vee is something she could consider comfortably.
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  #38  
Old 11-02-2010, 07:47 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
........... Maybe she did take the 'go with the flow' approach so I wouldn't fault her for that. However, where does her verbal and physical expressions of emotional connection, interests in my sexual satisfaction, and attraction fall into that 'go with the flow' approach? Where does the line cease at giving an honest effort hoping your original perspective can broaden along the way and turn into leading someone on by intentionally acting in a way that doesn't support that perspective?
Yea Ekl, seems you and I are cut much from the same cloth. I've always tried to just be 'real' in all circumstances possible too - and have paid the penalty on more than one occasion

The reason I mention this is that I think it makes it harder (less tolerable) when we find ourselves dealing with someone with a different outlook/approach.

Was she lying to herself - expressing what she hoped for and thought it would appear via verbalizing it (before she tested it for validity) ?

Was she saying what she thought you others wanted to hear ? Again in hopes it might take that direction ?

Or....was it genuine in the beginning - and something changed. It IS possible. Maybe some quirk she discovered about you that wasn't apparent in the beginning ? Did you fart at a bad moment ?

Who knows........

Humans ARE such funny creatures. Maybe if you ask nicely you can find the truth. And maybe...........never.

GS
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  #39  
Old 11-02-2010, 08:43 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@GS- lol. You are funny. Just FYI- I have yet to fart, I don't wear make-up in general, and I don't wear perfume, though, I do wear essential oils but not around them since they have allergies and sensitive skin issues. I do understand your point though.

You are right, it could be anything but I can only go off of what she said the issue was and what she said, verbatim, was "I am Less physically attracted to you than you are to me" to be followed by her desire to cease sexual interaction. Now, we are both thicker women (size 16-20) and I have done nothing but drop weight and inches since we've been seeing each other, though, I've been working on this for self, and I'm kind of OCD about hygiene in general so I'm up to par in that area so ... I don't get it but, you know, figuring out what her real deal is doesn't really matter to me anymore. Ultimately, it's for her to figure out. I've been reassigned. I will sift through my emotions about it and come out on top...whatever the outcome.
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  #40  
Old 11-03-2010, 04:19 AM
unusuality unusuality is offline
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@eklctc...u know a good thread when it reads like a soap opera a bit! Thx to everyone for helping me learn more about poly since I'm new to the concept. I agree with both gs and neon about your options, but I say go for what u TRULY want cuz 2nd choices aren't as satisfying. I know from Personal exp. I thought getting with a couple would make a triad easier. But I'm thinking a couple of friends would be better for me...but I suggest looking wherever you feel you can find your ideal partners. Leave no stone unturned and you'll find each other when/where you least expect it. That's my 2 cents. Hope it helps. Thx again all!
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