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Old 11-02-2010, 12:26 PM
openheart openheart is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3
Default And suddenly, everything feels different

Hi everyone, I skipped the Introduction section for now, becuase I'm really desperate.

I'm male, straight, 30 years old and in a monogamous relatioship of 3.5 years. We're pretty open about everything, at least we try to be. Our relationship has ups and downs, I think like most of them do. I've always needed my time alone and also time out alone, meeting new people. I really love her a lot. My own feelings confuse me though and led me to thinking about polyamory.

In all my relationships after a while my feelings become paradox. I love my s/o still as much as the first day and more every day, but also somehow I feel something is missing, like I could never be 100% happy in a monogamous relationship. I've always entertained the thought that in a perfect world, love wouldn't be restricted to single monogamous relationships, but never seriously came out with the idea.
In order to compensate, I think I had one or two crushes on friends during the last 2 years, to partly satisfy that feeling within me, which since I could never cheat on my girlfriend, always stayed secret crushes which turned into platonic friendships, which is great too, but as i realise now, not what fulfils my desires. My desires which are less sexual than you'd expect from a guy, more well, platonic, emotional, philosophical, but also romantic and sexual of course..

And now here I am, sprouting a new crush on one of my acquaintances from my "2nd life" out in bars, but this time it was a little overwhelming, I just had 2 very very deep and interesting conversations with this woman and I absolutely couldn't help experiencing and enjoying this feeling growing stronger and deeper, well aware that I still love my girl back home very much whom I don't want to hurt.

Now I'm blessed with a girlfriend with lots of love and understanding, who is the driving factor in our relationship to talk about everything. I fear my confusing feelings or not being fully satisfied hurt our relationship and causes suffering for the both of us.

We're not really totally happy, because I think we both don't really know what we want, somehow.

The more I read and think about polyamory, the more I feel I have to resolve this issue, but I'm so terribly scared of destroying everything. I just can't find a way how to start the discussion and can't find the guts to do so, yet.

Before me, my girlfriend was in an open relationship, but I think mostly because of her bisexual boyfriend. I don't know how she'd take it. She is a very intelligent and feeling person, open to alternative ideas, that's for sure. But she's also very jealous and needs me very very very much.

I know you cannot take away the decision and the burden from me, but I hope for a little advice, because I'm really lost. If the idea of seriously considering polyamory hadn't crossed my mind I would have gone insane or done something stupid by now.

Thank you all for listening, and please excuse if my English isn't perfect, as it is only my 2nd language.

Cheers,
OpenHeart
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