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  #71  
Old 11-01-2010, 02:35 PM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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Actually, Mono, you raise some VERY good questions about sexual self-acceptance. My gut instinct tells me that we should not be quick to judge others OR blame ourselves, because sexual preferences are such complex and highly individual needs that develop over the course of a lifetime full of unique experiences.
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  #72  
Old 11-01-2010, 07:53 PM
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Actually, Mono, you raise some VERY good questions about sexual self-acceptance. My gut instinct tells me that we should not be quick to judge others OR blame ourselves, because sexual preferences are such complex and highly individual needs that develop over the course of a lifetime full of unique experiences.
Thanks Gemini Girl. I am going to work on this. I think I am narrowing down key triggers and will keep trying to share what I learn
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  #73  
Old 11-01-2010, 08:28 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Is this question even really worth my concern? What are the implications of simply accepting that I am not completely accepting?
Hey Mon,

Yea - you are probably right in questioning the worth. I think there are a variety of people - and lifestyles - that we aren't comfortable with. Is it a 'judgement' of sorts - I suppose so. But we are entitled to judge what we want to invade our personal space/energy - and what we don't.

We don't click with everyone and that's ok. It's not the same as holding some animosity towards them. If the need was there I suspect we wouldn't hesitate to step forward to help. But to 'hang out', to really establish some bond..........naw. No thanks. No disrespect intended - but no thanks.

I find myself in that place on a variety of subjects. Religion is a biggie. I'm constantly checking myself to avoid judgement and view a person and interaction based on what's before me at the moment and ignore what I know is an important part of a person in that regard. It's only when their 'beliefs' start to show obvious signs of affecting their judgement (and actions) that affect me that I have to stand firm - and often walk away.

I'm somewhat in that camp regarding BDSM also. Especially the SM part. It's just not in my nature and carried too far can discolor my views of a person. I know better. I understand what the attraction/need is. I respect it for those who need it. But I don't want it in my private energy space to any real degree.

Your views on sexuality are probably similar. "Unattached" sex just doesn't click with you. And being in an environment where there's an excess of it is only going cause emotional conflict. So you keep your distance, respect others needs as their own, and live your own life happily.

No harm done.

And like you say, probably not worth a lot of analyzing.
It's only when we become loud and aggressive in trying to condemn others where no harm is occurring and push our own beliefs on others that I think we need to get red flagged and have a time out to look at our own behavior.

Anyway............you didn't go. Seems a win/win from your decision.

GS
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  #74  
Old 11-02-2010, 01:41 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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maybe its just old age....

j/k

Seriously though, I was always the out-going, open-minded one. But in recent years-I'm the less social, more introverted one....

I found that I just don't have the patience for the drama that goes WITH being really extroverted and socializing with many different groups of people....

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  #75  
Old 11-02-2010, 01:56 AM
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I agree that age is probably a good part of it. Frankly by acknowleging the fact, you can control your interactions and avoid situations that would otherwise be problematic. I personally have to avoid certain topics of coversations because I know it upsets me and it's just not worth it.
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  #76  
Old 11-02-2010, 03:49 AM
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GS, thanks for being so objective. The part I don't like about my snap judgement in this area is that I am sure to turn my back on some people that have lots of aspects I would appreciate. I have existing friends in real life and on here who engage in sport sex. I wouldn't turn away from them that easily and what they do and is healthy for them doesn't bother me. There is no reason that this should be such a big issue for me. I'm sure it has more to do with Redpepper than anything else. I am a very protective person. The best way to get a reaction from me is to hurt or threaten my friends. I don't trust in peoples ability to respect personal boundaries in these environments. I have no fear of people bothering me, I'm blunt and to the point. I worry about people pestering or taking leisure to grope, make offensive comments or otherwise solicit or harass those I care about. I've got a thing for the damsel in distress situation and seeing some one unwanted coming on to Redpepper or Derby would get a serious reaction from me. I know both can handle themselves and most guys wouldn't cross boundaries once warned off but it would be hard for me to not say anything.

Add this to the fact I don't want to see people I hang out with naked, aroused or doing it and sometimes I wonder just how prudish I seem. Yet I will gladly go to a public BDSM event and take great pleasure and pride in Redpepper flogging my naked ass....hmm in those instances I have seen friends naked and it doesn't bother me. I don't pay any attention to it. Maybe that's because I don't find it particularly sexual?

My self learning continues

Thanks for the comments Sneacail and LR..both valid and helpful
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  #77  
Old 11-02-2010, 04:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Add this to the fact I don't want to see people I hang out with naked, aroused or doing it and sometimes I wonder just how prudish I seem. Yet I will gladly go to a public BDSM event and take great pleasure and pride in Redpepper flogging my naked ass....hmm in those instances I have seen friends naked and it doesn't bother me. I don't pay any attention to it. Maybe that's because I don't find it particularly sexual?
Why not just look at it as options. The swingers may look at bdsm as something abnormal. Judging the lifestyle because of a few people or because of the assumed way it works is dangerous land to tread on.

The lifestyle itself is not the problem, the people can be. BDSM, for example, has a whole slew of wrong with it to. The abuse (the abused or the abuser), the masked problems of depression and anxiety being hidden by acts of violence. BDSM is vilified in the public perception and with good reason imo. The "why" of some peoples bdsm are as dangerous as the acts itself. And this coming from a dominant sadist who likes to spank nice milky white bottoms (female only of course). You like bdsm, some people are voyeurs and exhibitionists.

In swinging there are obviously people who are doing it for the wrong reasons, or are just dicks about it. But don't judge the people doing it, don't hold people to a lower standard because they do something you don't like.

Do you like that being done to you and your friends in regards to poly?

Anyways, thats my 2cents. There are dicks in every lifestyle, its not the lifestyles fault.
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  #78  
Old 11-02-2010, 04:43 PM
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Do you like that being done to you and your friends in regards to poly?

Anyways, thats my 2cents. There are dicks in every lifestyle, its not the lifestyles fault.
I don't like it but I accept that it may make them not want to socialize with us/them. I understand the motivation behind avoiding us/them I guess. I don't hold it against them for judging.

This is not about any individuals I know. Every person I know who swings is nice and I don't even think about it for the most part. This is more about social events that are not even "official" swinger events, the atmosphere and expectations I think. There's nothing wrong with it at all...it's just not the environment I can see any reason for me to put myself in. I would consider doing it for other people but it would not be for me specifically. It could be a house party, evening get-together, or whatever. I'd rather hang with my tried and true poly peeps or friends from my old neighborhood.

If I was motivated by a need to meet new people I might push myself in this area. That's not me though.

Thanks for your comments Ari..made me do some more thinking
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  #79  
Old 11-02-2010, 05:54 PM
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Myzka Myzka is offline
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I don't trust in peoples ability to respect personal boundaries in these environments. I have no fear of people bothering me, I'm blunt and to the point. I worry about people pestering or taking leisure to grope, make offensive comments or otherwise solicit or harass those I care about. I've got a thing for the damsel in distress situation and seeing some one unwanted coming on to Redpepper or Derby would get a serious reaction from me. I know both can handle themselves and most guys wouldn't cross boundaries once warned off but it would be hard for me to not say anything.
Hey Mono
I've never been to a sex party/swingers event (might do it, to check it out) and I don't know how or if the people are different.
But, what you describe above, doesn't sound that different from going to a club. It doesn't happen every time and it depends on the club, so, like Ari said, it's the people that could be the problem. Most of the time I can handle myself and most people back away when I'm not interested and quite often, someone does need rescuing.
My friend used to work as a bartender at a swingers event and she told me that there she observed some of the most honest, straightforward and respectful people who didn't play drama games and took no as a no.

I judge and I get first-impressions of people that can be entirely wrong. I acknowledge it and I try not to have it stand in a way of getting to know them. I even got a reminder tattooed on my arm for that, I'm a dork. :P
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  #80  
Old 01-08-2011, 05:56 AM
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This New Year, Derby hosted a large and very fun party There was a couple there who have sort of been at the center of why I started questioning myself in the area of judgement concerning swinging and swingers.

I have met the woman before and she is a budding friend of Redpepper's. I am so suspicious of people's intentions sometimes that I can be blinded to the individuals who are involved. The unknown is not my favorite thing and I like to "take it to the fight" if I absolutely have to.... so to speak.

So, as soon as I entered the party I made a bee line directly to this woman and her husband. I engaged him in conversation as we both have very similar military experiences and found out he grew up very close to where I did.
Throughout the night I got his wife up to dance and encouraged Redpepper to get her husband on the dance floor.

I got to lift the shroud of ignorance I had about this friendly and pleasant couple. I understand why Redpepper enjoys their friendship. Now she can enjoy this new friend's company even more and I can relax my watchdog mentality. It'll come up again I am sure as we take on new adventures and other invitations come her way. But at least I made it through this one and I learned a few things.

Yes I still have the judgmental belief that any large social atmosphere hosted by swingers will inevitably have that energy and I don't want to be around it, but I am pushing myself to see people as individuals and not identifying them by what they do as a group.
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