confused

[Breathesgirl]

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer

There is finally a spring in his step after so long which means he was living a tortured existence these past months. He was always so serious and cool and guarded. When I see him kiss and hug D,, I feel soft and warm inside which further confuses me. Shouldnt I be jealous? Shoudlnt I be revolted by the image of the two of them entwined in passion. No I am not. Knowing that S is doing this right in front of me with the same person he had the affair should make me absolutely livid. It doesnt, I am happy for him because I feel deeply that he is happy with D and free to express his love for her. All this is new to my mono wired mind. And yes.. its weird. More weird is that I was scared and nervous before our meeting because I was afraid D would reject S and his explanation for all this. I couldnt bear that thought but I knew it had to be done.

This is called compersion. That feeling of happiness because your partner is happy. A LOT of people struggle to get to the point where they can feel that happiness when their love is with another, not all find it & most still have moments when their partner being with another is uncomfortable for them. It sounds like the three of you are working things out is a way that each of you can accept.

That thought of jealousy & being livid is your mono mind coming out to play, trying to cause trouble. Face it & banish it from your life.

[diane]

A, we both understand that its tough for you, just talk to us or him whenever you feel down. most importantly if you have any suggestion of what we can do for you to be happy, please let us know.

If you think i should give both of you a gap so that you can heal faster, let me know please.
We love you,

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Ssebo

The main concern are the children (11 and 8) and how will they take to it? I do like Redpepper's approach on that and kindly ask you to may be share more on that, if you don't mind. Thank you.

Ssebo, are you asking me about this? I am wondering if you can be more specific? I'm not sure I understand what it is that you want a comment on... thanks

diane, the way your wrote your first post makes me think you were stalked by Ssebo... he wouldn't stop texting you...? wouldn't leave you alone? was lonely in the evenings, even though he was with his wife? Sorry, it's a bit of a red flag to me and makes me wonder how much of this is your hearts desire rather than his. I can understand you growing into love, but if he had done as you requested then you wouldn't of been dragged into the affair and cheating that it sounds like you were requesting to avoid...

That being said, you are here now and it sounds like the three of you are starting a journey together now. I kind of worries me that it sounds like Ssebo holds all the good cards out of this though, but I am wondering if that is my dominant man alert being sounded... I do REALLY badly with being patient with some dominant men... I tend to think that often they are not conscious of the Tsunami of ego centered requests (demands?) they put on the women that love them. All I can say is that Ssebo's wife, Seekinganswer, must be some woman to be willing to be so open and accepting so early on! I would be up one side of you and Ssebo in two seconds just by virtue of the fact that he seemed so selfish and you seemingly so passive to allow him to convince you that cheating was the answer.

as others have said, live and learn. Yes, you all might of ended up in a similar place as you are today, but the lesson was that it didn't have to be with the pain of an affair to cope with. It will take a long long time for all of you to be in any position to feel comfortable I would think. Hell, Mono cheated in his last relationship and I suffer from the pain that I think his wife must of gone through... she decided not to put up with him and he volunteered to leave... good thing, because she would of kicked him out anyways. When I think of the pain of knowing my deeply cherished trust, respect and loved partner had been lying for so long I can't imagine how anyone would ever be entirely the same after that. A lot of people aren't.

There is a lot for all of you to consider... I think Mono offers some really valuable advice diane... he came into my life at a time when he had been married, had the house, the stuff, raised a child. He doesn't want that any more. He would love a relationship with his daughter, but she has chosen to not speak to him and hasn't for two years (she is 17)... many times we hear of people joining couples and the couple joining them and they grieve the fact that they may never have the white wedding, etc... to some that is a dream since childhood and it is lost when we become part of a poly arrangement. If you are not interested in that, then you are set, but it sounds like you had at least invested in the idea of a mono arrangement and some of what it means to be mono... this will be very different. I can imagine both of you women will not only need time to over come the trauma of the affair but also to grieve the loss of a mono life with the man you love... double whammy.

I wish you all luck. thanks for all of your sharing.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hi Seeking,

I know your pain from all this - I really do. Been in your position at least once

But..............

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer

..............
Firstly, my connection with D is most puzzling because really I should be hating her and wanting to scratch her eyes out for giving in to S's advances.

Ooooooooo - k.......

"Should be" ? Who determines what "should" be ?
Society ? Family ?
If you subscribe to the concept that we create our own reality, isn't it up to you to determine what "should be" for you ?

And maybe more importantly - what is REAL ?
What part of you knows somewhere inside what may be the best path for you - and those you love. What IS real to you ?
Seems you have your answer maybe ?

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer

............ He has opened up into someone I never thought he could be- openly affectionate with unguarded sincerity. There is finally a spring in his step after so long which means he was living a tortured existence these past months. He was always so serious and cool and guarded.

Compersion. The feeling of joy when we feel the joy of our partner. Which somehow always ends up spilling over to us in a variety of subtle ways....Connection.

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer

When I see him kiss and hug D,, I feel soft and warm inside which further confuses me. Shouldnt I be jealous? Shoudlnt I be revolted by the image of the two of them entwined in passion. No I am not.

Ummmmm - back to that same "should" question.
And back to "what is real ?" Which is the path with heart ?

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer

All this is new to my mono wired mind. And yes.. its weird.

Yes - it IS new.
And really - what do we expect from ourselves when faced with something new. A little discomfort. A little struggle. All pretty normal stuff right ?
You'll get there - if it's the right thing for you.

You're approach impresses me.
Just breath deep, keep focused on what is real.

{{hugs}}

GS

[Seekinganswer]

GS, thanks for that. Yes, the "scratching eyes out" visual is what is expected of a betrayed spouse but that's a trip I decided early in life never to take. Where we come from, betrayed spouse attacks take the form of acid attacks, poisoning or street brawls where grown women make spectacles of themselves just to make a point... In fact, D's family is living in fear for her safety so to speak. Luckily, D knows I will not do anything to harm her and that is sorted.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

"Should be" ? Who determines what "should" be ?
Society ? Family ?
If you subscribe to the concept that we create our own reality, isn't it up to you to determine what "should be" for you ?

And maybe more importantly - what is REAL ?
What part of you knows somewhere inside what may be the best path for you - and those you love. What IS real to you ?
Seems you have your answer maybe ?

Although the temptation to shove the matter under the rug was overwhelming, I prefer to accept what happened by meeting D and clearing the air if only to help with the healing of all involved. If S was feeling that strongly for D, how are we going to mend our marriage if I delude myself into thinking this feeling will fizzle out. So I knew early on that we were not dealing with a simple sniff in the nose cold that goes away with lots of drinking and rest. THIS was serious.

However, deciding the right path and actually acting on this decision was another matter. The trial week was smooth ( simple bonding, doing things together and lots of talking) was safe and enjoyable. However, Im still a long way from opening myself to the relationship because of the affair emotional baggage and doubts that it caused. I still dont understand how one day Im full of compersion( like on our first meeting) and dont mind seeing them kiss and the next Im back to mono mode feeling left out of their circle. This feeling was very strong over the weekend we spent together. How can something good give me such pain? Yes, I know its my attitude that needs to change but we also realised that perhaps we were moving too fast. Within 4 weeks, S and I have moved from D day to no contact with D, meeting finally and telling her about poly. Alongside this, as the details of the affair unfold and seeing how strongly S feels I am struggling with doubt if all this will work.
We are back on..one day at a time and then we'll see how things go

[Seekinganswer]

Thanks redpepper,

Originally Posted by redpepper

That being said, you are here now and it sounds like the three of you are starting a journey together now. I kind of worries me that it sounds like Ssebo holds all the good cards out of this though

Yes, your thoughts resonate with what I have told him before. Our journey is such that S is far off in the lead closely followed by D who surprisingly opened up to the poly proposal and I way in the back. We have all agreed to take things slow else I or D could get the feeling of walking on a speeding treading mill. The image of one trying to keep up with the speed but failing and reaching out for the something to hold on to comes to mind.

Originally Posted by redpepper

All I can say is that Ssebo's wife, Seekinganswer, must be some woman to be willing to be so open and accepting so early on! I would be up one side of you and Ssebo in two seconds just by virtue of the fact that he seemed so selfish and you seemingly so passive to allow him to convince you that cheating was the answer.

I am working on being open and not there yet. It depends on whether its a good day or a bad day since d day and this is very unsettling for me to have such jumbled emotions. On the bad days, the strong flight feeling is in control telling me I'd be better off alone than hanging between this strong connection between the two. On such days, I dont or refuse to see where I fit. Unfortunately, this past weekend we spent together ended with me feeling pain again.

Originally Posted by redpepper

When I think of the pain of knowing my deeply cherished trust, respect and loved partner had been lying for so long I can't imagine how anyone would ever be entirely the same after that. A lot of people aren't.

You are right.... one can never be the same again. In a blink of an eye, everything I knew was REAL changed and the past weeks for me where one big flashback of images. Someone compared this to an accident scene where the betrayed spouse remains rooted amidst the mangled metal and crash debris trying to piece everything together. Im certain there are situations where the betrayer tells the spouse to get over it already. I feel S is right next to me and has offered me his hand.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer

I still dont understand how one day Im full of compersion( like on our first meeting) and dont mind seeing them kiss and the next Im back to mono mode feeling left out of their circle.

Hey there is absolutely nothing wrong with mono mode. I don't know of many that are able to obtain and keep compersion after an affair... actually I don't think I know any. Just because you are struggling doesn't mean you are in someway inferior or less than anyone else. The fact that you are actually trying to get something out of this at all is what is amazing about you, not the speed in which you accomplish that. Even if you decide it's not for you, the attempts you have made to even see if you CAN get something out of your situation is amazing.

Originally Posted by Seekinganswer

Someone compared this to an accident scene where the betrayed spouse remains rooted amidst the mangled metal and crash debris trying to piece everything together.

Very good way of seeing it. I agree. That will take a long time to sort out. Take all the time you need I say, and have them wait.

Have you been doing some reading on here? Especially the blogs. There are some good stories of peoples journeys and how they went from where you are to comfort and acceptance in their relationship with their partner who is poly.