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  #11  
Old 10-28-2010, 07:06 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Why do I hate the word "affair"...? Well I do in this context, as an affair on my books is something" along the way and by the way, passing, ... not deep or feeling lasting... and this "affair" did not feel like that, that's why. An affair does not feel like you having this urge to share this with the one you are "cheating" on. And that is what I felt and feel - that D is good for both of us and we can learn so much from her and receive good through her.
I'm not sure I understand... you are not the only one that has had an affair that is deep and passionate and connected... it wasn't that long compared to some affairs either. Mono had an affair for two years. He lost his entire family, who still don't speak to him because of his need to share what was going on for him and that he was cheating. He actually sabotaged himself in order to get caught so he could get out of it... it didn't work so he eventually told his wife... He loved this woman. He was connected to her... that is not just your experience.

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Originally Posted by Ssebo View Post
You lost the bet - it was and is. You did not make reference to "with whom" but it is with my wife AND D. But that is not what all this was or is all about. I can do nothing but agree on everything else though and I openly admitted, resumed my responsibility for having fucked up and cheated on my wife.
I don't know what this means.... please explain?
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  #12  
Old 10-28-2010, 07:21 AM
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Quite simply, an affair is ... "a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration" ... and this does not feel like it. Some could argue though as it originates from the French "a faire" - to do... and yes, I chose to do it.

That is about the only statement in your post where I would like to agree with you that we disagree on that. Not disclosing a ONE-TIME slip is the same as not disclosing an ongoing "affair". Technically, we are back on the a faire - to do. You do it once or more often - no difference. It's double standards and opens the door to really silly arguments... "I only did it once (with her, and her and her)"... or "I only did it ONE-TIME (a day, a week, month...). The basics would be no different, it still is "Cheating" once or more... and I would have felt the same after ONE-Time or as now the ongoing "affair".
Why do i get the feeling that you are bogging down the fact that you had a secret connection and sex with another woman with semantics... I am not understanding why the root of the word affair has anything to do with what you did.

Look, you cheated, you had an affair... the words do not matter so much as the meaning behind them... everyone who has fucked someone other than their partner without their consent or knowledge knows that they have had an affair or cheated... why is this so hard for you to comprehend? I don't get it.

What's going to happen now anyway? You said the meeting went well... what does your wife think of it all?
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  #13  
Old 10-28-2010, 09:14 AM
Ssebo Ssebo is offline
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redpepper you are right... it's semantics and I time is relative and besides, it does not change the fact that I cheated, betrayed my wife's trust and hurt everyone along the way. That is acknowledged and I take responsibility, affair in the usual context has something "passing" that is/was the issue for me... so let's leave the semantics of that word and move to the actual issue and its resolve.
Let's move this on beyond the words... yes, I had an affair and now I have to "a faire" and do whatever I can to make this right again for us.

hm... you lost the bet means just that. You bet the sex was not so great... and you lost on that one and the sex was not the cause, rather part of the effect - both (SA and D) sides and mine of course.

What is going to happen now...? Well, for now we all three are talking - a lot. SA is such a great woman with a grand heart. She does go through massive emotional swings from all warm and peaceful after we just met all three for the first time to doubtful and scared like yesterday. I really would love to make this easier for her and... I am not pushing! I rather keep the brake on for now as she does tend to race ahead to far to fast now. I think we should try to do things together for now as much as my wife likes and we can within her comfort zone, rather then dissecting everything in an attempt to "map out the future"... I feel we should try to enjoy having a life together and heal her and each other in the process.

D ans SA had a long talk this morning without me and both looked and feel happy (to me) after. We try to spend time together, nothing in particular or planned out, just spending time, which I feel will help us altogether and my wife especially.

Right now, my wife only sees how "happy" I am since we are including D in our resolve and healing process. They have no problems or issues with each other and as said, they love each other too. SA is trying to think of ways how we can make it work, actually considering D's happiness and needs a lot more than hers, which worries me too. Naturally, having to deal with the Cheating/Affair AND poly at once is a lot for her who considered herself mono all her life and didn't know poly existed. So how to break it to friends and family, fear of meeting with disapproval is quite an issue.

My wife, SA, can imagine to an extent that we all three have a relationship together but does not want the typical 5 days here/5 days there, whilst D can't really see yet to "live in" with us. We are fortunate enough though to live in a very very secluded place (an island) with loads of space, so I think we could arrange life comfortable for all.
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  #14  
Old 10-28-2010, 11:23 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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It seems to me you feel the word "affair" is disrespectful to D, because you love her fully, completely. But I feel you are the one who started disrespecting your relationship with her when you hid it. While it was hidden, it was an affair, and it was limited because how much can you do when you have to hide it?

Now that it's open, it stops being an affair, and starts being a fuller relationship (once again, if you all work at it). I can see you really love D and don't want to use a word that you feels diminishes the relationship you guys have... But the relationship was diminished by the lies, and the word reflects that accurately. That's how I feel about it at least.
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  #15  
Old 10-28-2010, 11:58 AM
Ssebo Ssebo is offline
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Thanks T, very well "sensed"... and said... and yes, you are absolutely right. I cheated by having an affair which I disrespected too by lying about the cheating. I feel that's about what it was. I hurt my wife and disrespected what I had with D. I guess it's up to me now to support both as a reflection or better an expression of my love for both to make it work for us.

You are brilliant. Thank you.
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  #16  
Old 10-29-2010, 12:36 PM
Seekinganswer Seekinganswer is offline
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@redpepper... my emotions are up an down as I wrote here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4090

Somehow my own thread is dormant so Im responding to S and D's thread. I'd love to hear how others handled the doubt while trying to accept poly. It feels like Im just about to step off a cliff...
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  #17  
Old 10-29-2010, 09:58 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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@redpepper... my emotions are up an down as I wrote here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4090

Somehow my own thread is dormant so Im responding to S and D's thread. I'd love to hear how others handled the doubt while trying to accept poly. It feels like Im just about to step off a cliff...
your thread isn't dormant... it's just further down the page because no one has written on it... I will respond there so it will be at the top again.
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