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  #71  
Old 10-27-2010, 02:40 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Over the last few days I've been feeling a little better about some things in my life, I think I'm finally starting to accept that J doesn't return my feelings and likely never will. It wasn't a process I could rush, as much as I might wish I could have. I still love her, I probably always will, but the time has come to move on.

I'm happy to have the love of my wonderful wife Tonberry and to know that there are people who support us both here and IRL. I'm sure that some day I'll meet someone again (I've been joking that I need to find a redhead to make Sean and a good friend of mine jealous, or to start a collection of hair colours) who will be interested in me as more than a friend, I just have to be patient and put myself out there a little more.
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  #72  
Old 10-28-2010, 04:25 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by Ragabash View Post

I suppose that's the great advantage of poly, in its own way. One can keep a place in their heart for someone they care about and not feel like they're holding their life still on that hope. We can move on, find other relationships or contentment with the ones we have, and if something changes we can be happy for that, too.
Just had a general conversation about this subject with bf last week. He was a little worried about a relationship I have had for 23 years (not hubs but a sort of LDR, more friendship at this point but someone I have loved for a long time. He is very mono and married with a beautiful family, but we are still very close.) Anyway prompted by a PM I had sent, I have kind of come to terms that I have been poly for a very long time. I felt terrible guilt at first but then almost immediate anger towards bf (and someone else). Bf knew about LDR but just never realized the depth and kind of thought I should be over it. I know it is his own insecurity but I did feel I had to defend my reason for loving someone I have known since I was a teen. But then I realized because of the LDR factor he has never had to really deal with the reality of it. So yes, there will always be a place in my heart but my life has moved on and encompassed alot more. And I am so happy and content and looking forward to my future with bf that the LDR really does not factor into my daily thoughts. Actually bf offers the kind of intimacy I needed and never had with anyone else, not hubs and not LDR. So I hope he is less insecure but also that he realizes some things aren't meant to "get over" there are people who will always live in your heart but move on in a sense and there are people who occupy your entire being. 2Rings is the latter. So is my husband. I am really happy to have found my soulmate. I am really happy to have a loving, supportive husband who has given me four beautiful children. I am happy to have discovered my polyness. I am a happy and blessed girl.
I hope you are too Tonberry.
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  #73  
Old 10-28-2010, 08:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I hope you are too Tonberry.
Yes, I am incredibly happy. I did feel down about my interest, but I still love him, I hope to stay in touch with him to some extent and I'm rather zen about the whole thing. I have a husband and boyfriend I love and who love me, and I feel at this point there isn't much room in my life for a third one anyways... I'd manage if he was interested, but I'm fine putting it on the back burner and seeing later if anything is likely to ever happen or not.

In the meantime, I've very grateful for the two men I do have in my life and I'm certainly satisfied with them I don't feel that I "need more" in any way.
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  #74  
Old 10-30-2010, 04:40 PM
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Yes, I am incredibly happy. I did feel down about my interest, but I still love him, I hope to stay in touch with him to some extent and I'm rather zen about the whole thing. I have a husband and boyfriend I love and who love me, and I feel at this point there isn't much room in my life for a third one anyways... I'd manage if he was interested, but I'm fine putting it on the back burner and seeing later if anything is likely to ever happen or not.

In the meantime, I've very grateful for the two men I do have in my life and I'm certainly satisfied with them I don't feel that I "need more" in any way.
Ah good for you! I love the way you and Ragabash interact.
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  #75  
Old 11-04-2010, 03:45 AM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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I have my first appointment with my therapist on, appropriately, the first.

It seems a bit odd, in a way, to go to therapy when I am feeling a bit better, although that mostly applies to the depression. My anxiety problems are still very much present as evidenced by my panic attacks.

In general, though, things are looking up, and I'm hoping getting therapy will help Tonberry and I through some of the problems we've been having lately. I know it won't be a quick process, there's a lot of ground to cover, but it's a start.
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  #76  
Old 11-20-2010, 08:07 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Lately I've been in somewhat of a strange mental place, I guess.

It started out with J going on a date, and it looks like she and the guy have hit it off enough to go on a second date since. Tonberry has suggested that what I'm feeling might not be jealousy, as I've thought, but rather feeling neglected in some way. She did talk about keeping her options open soon after just-friending me, which stung more than a little, and it's not exactly good for the self-esteem to know that I wasn't even in the running as one of those options.
Whatever the feeling is, either jealousy or neglect, I don't like it in the least. It's good to see J happy, and I'd rather be feeling compersion than whatever it is I have.

Also fun is that J's shifts at work were changed so that I work with her all of my regular shifts, not just over half of them. If I wasn't an atheist I'd be wondering about some bad karma coming back to haunt me with that situation...

Not everything is so bad, though. I got a book in the mail the other day by one of my favorite authors (Michael Parenti) about one of my favorite subjects (history and political theory... yeah, I'm weird...), so that's picked up my mood a bit.
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  #77  
Old 11-20-2010, 08:23 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Well, it might still be jealousy. My point was that you don't feel that with me because you know I love you, and this got us closer. With J, you've had feelings for her for months, you asked her out and she said no, and since then she's been actively looking for someone, so you can't even tell yourself she doesn't want a relationship right now. It makes the rejection worse I'm sure.
I think it's natural to feel bad and sad about it, although that doesn't mean you are any less of a person. I am with you, I married you and I love you, I know how wonderful you are. Similarly, there are many people you know and think are great but wouldn't want to start a relationship with.
I think J sees you as a coworker and friend, and is a bit weirded out by our relationship dynamics, but that's all about her and not about you. When it didn't turn out with my interest, I know I could fall back on the certitude that there was nothing wrong with me, because two wonderful men love me, and that it was just the way things were that he wasn't interested, that a relationship wasn't going to happen.
I think it would help for you to remember that I love you and that I'm a wonderful person with great taste, right? So obviously J's just missing out.
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  #78  
Old 12-10-2010, 07:04 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Tonight (in the middle of the night) I'm taking a bus to the city to pick up Seamus, my boyfriend, at the airport.
He'll then spend ten days with us for the holidays.

I'm extremely excited to be with both my guys at the same time. It will also be their first time meeting in person and I'm rather curious about how that will go.

Getting everything ready for the trip... Taking the 4 AM bus into the city, his plane arrives at 12:30, the last bus back in town will have left by then so we're taking Saturday's and spending the night in the city. That's why I'm packing clothes and stuff, although I only need a small bag.

I can't wait to see him again . It's been over three months since we last met in person.
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  #79  
Old 12-14-2010, 05:11 AM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Sean, Tonberry's boyfriend, is out visiting for a few days and it's been a lot of fun. We've so far managed to lose in every possible method playing Pandemic (a board game I bought for myself as a Christmas gift), and it's hasn't really seemed strange or awkward to me.
I've had a lot more time off to spend getting to know him than expected, too, due to being injured at work last Wednesday (one of the residents of the group home I work in attacked me, resulting in a contusion to my right shoulder), then reinjured my arm today on my first day back (the same person attacked me again)... Once more I can't help but feel the surest sign I'm completely insane is that I love my job. I'll be okay, though. Wounds heal, this won't be the first time and I won't be the last.
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  #80  
Old 12-30-2010, 12:33 AM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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This might turn out to be a long update...

Tonberry is talking about leaving.

I started my therapy earlier this month, as well as anti-depressants, she feels like she'll get in the way of my feeling better while not being able to deal with her problems as long as she's here in Canada. I've also made a lot of mistakes in our relationship and broken more than a few promises, something that I'm hoping therapy will help me to not do anymore, but at this point I might have broken to many for my marriage to be saved.

To say the least, I'm depressed and scared right now.

I'm staying with family for a few days to give Tonberry some space to think about things, and in the meantime researching apartments in the Vancouver area so we can move in a couple months if she does decide to stay with me, which I'm hoping she will.

Beyond that, I'm just at a loss for what to do. She knows I love her, and she loves me too, but I don't know if that's enough to make things work right now. Even if I can learn not to make the same mistakes I always do, to keep falling into the same patterns, can it ever make up for all the times I've hurt her in the past by doing just that?
More than anything I wish I could go back five years and tell myself that my depression won't get better by itself, that I needed the help back then that I need and am getting now... but that can never happen.

I just don't know what to do...
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