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  #11  
Old 10-28-2010, 06:33 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
have been seeing something since day one that has yet to show any sign of changing which will eventually become an issue in the relationship. I'd rather let it be known now so that I can either stop being so considerate of all of their desires and start fulfilling my own through other avenues or they can make a more conscious effort to work on it. I operate in an all-inclusive way. That's all I'm asking them to do so...we will see how they view it.
It seems like you might of answered your own question here. no?

as to telling the parents it sounds like it isn't really related unless you really think that if this doesn't work out soon that you won't be sticking around for long?

It sounds infuriating to me. I am definitely not cut out for such a relationship I guess. I need equality and open communication that is respectful and honors everyones needs and desires for the future...
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  #12  
Old 10-28-2010, 11:58 AM
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pancake pancake is offline
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@Pancake- Thanks. I, too, cannot spend the time I want with them yet we originally agreed that this relationship would be the only emotionally connected relationship we would allow ourselves to have since we are an open polyamorous partnership. With that being the case, I need to be emotionally satisfied which is not the case now as it had been at a point. I am still patience too but nothing can get addressed and no one can have what they desire if we don't share our thoughts, right?
True, true. I share thoughts, there's just little I can do to influence our situation until we move. Where we live, we can't be together in public. This place is way too small and judgmental. We've been talking about takin a little road trip away so we can act "normal" for a few hours outside of my house.

I really hope you find a solution...I've been reading everything and it sounds like great advice. Not being emotional fulfilled in this situation is frustrating, I know. I felt like I needed Xanex all freakin day because I'm stressed out about mine!!!
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  #13  
Old 10-28-2010, 01:43 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Ok Ekl.....so now........

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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
@Grounded- Thanks. That's the thing...she and I connect perfectly and he and I connect perfectly and they are under the impression that everything connects perfectly
Sounds good - but in your first post you led us to believe she was somewhat ignoring you - or at least seemingly putting you in a lower priority position (the messages & emails you mentioned).
So would you say that is behavior that indicates 'perfect connection' ?
Or does this situation require a step back & look again ?
How do you define "connection" ????

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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
and, at one time, it seemed that way but since we have spent more time together as a triad over the last month than we have the entire five, it has become much clearer to me.
Isn't this typical of any new relationship ? Everyone on their best behavior, mask solidly in place.........
Eventually all that wears off. Then you get to figure out how to best deal with day-to-day reality, right ?


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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
In my case, yes, we Do have to eventually have somewhat equal relationships because we are not interested in developing a 'v' relationship. We want an all-inclusive relationship that we want to expand to include a couple of other long-term, committed, in-house people as time goes on.
Ummmmmmmmmmmm
Something about that word - "equal" - makes hair stand up on my neck
It's a word all too commonly used in power dynamics. Nothing is ever "equal" unless it gives up it's individuality.
Instead, what many of us strive for is BALANCE. And in balance their is a give & take. Some sacrifice involved. Just the right amount - not too much.


Out of time........keep posting.

GS
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  #14  
Old 10-28-2010, 02:44 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Being a 'triad' is not the focus...the focus is being connected when we are all together.
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Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
In my case, yes, we Do have to eventually have somewhat equal relationships because we are not interested in developing a 'v' relationship.
Which one is it? Are you or aren't you "trying for a triad". Yes, you do say you want to expand to include other people at some point, but what about NOW? You say one thing, then you backpedal and say something else.

It sounds like you either don't know what you want, or you want something that is very pre-scriptive and idealistic.

I'll probably get slammed for "judgment and conjecture" as usual, but all I'm doing is pointing out inconsistencies in what the OP wrote and asking for an explanation.
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  #15  
Old 10-28-2010, 03:14 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@redpepper- lol...Thanks. My decision as far as handling the situation was already made prior to posting. It's just good to get feedback from like-minded people. The parents already know and we have already seen and greeted each other but this was going to be my official introduction as a part of the family as I interacted with my partners and the parents together during an annual family gathering they have.

@pancake- It can be nerve-wrecking when it is on your mind all day, huh? Of course we know, communication is key in all relationships, clear and concise, and we (my partners and I) are all good at communicating so they anxiously await my return home so that we can have our discussion.

@grounded- I think I mentioned that she is short on time. Between working two jobs, all of her city council meetings, political online monitoring, etc...I don't always get the timely feedback I would like. Understand, the connection was already developed between she and I. These incidents have happened this month. I think you referring to 'correspondence' connection and I am talking about 'foundation of the relationship' connection.

I'm sorry but I don't play games in relationships; therefore, I don't put my 'representative' forward. That is one thing that really irritates me with the society we live in...people accept wearing masks as the norm and make no big deal about it. To me, it shows signs of maturity when you are comfortable enough with yourself to be forthcoming and genuine from the beginning...allowing yourself (flawed, damaged, and sometimes wrong) to come to the party. So, no, that is not how it is....at least not in the relationships I involve myself in and I don't view my partners as those sort of people since I learned and experienced plenty of not so appealing, verbally or visually, early on. None of us are afraid to be who we are.

lol...that is actually the word I meant to use GroundedSpirit - balance. Thanks for the correction. I'm the sacrificial lamb in this relationship. I have always been the bender, the more flexible, the one who can go more with the flow than others...as I observe and define my tolerances in a relationship.

Thanks for all of your feedback.

@Neon- Thanks. No, you’re absolutely right. I can see how my statements seem inconsistent. My first statement about ‘the focus not being a triad’ was solely in response to your post about ‘focusing on the individual versus triad relationship’. I was indicating that the focus/point of my posting wasn’t about the ‘triad’. As stated, the focus was being/feeling connected/included when we are all together at this point which is the same connectivity I have/would expect in the presence of other close parties in my life. I’m all about connectivity/energy lines and I feel things which my partners have experienced a couple of times since we have been together. Sidenote… it would be idealistic to believe that, as humans, we are consistent, especially, in thought and emotion.
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  #16  
Old 10-28-2010, 09:18 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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.........I'm the sacrificial lamb in this relationship. I have always been the bender, the more flexible, the one who can go more with the flow than others...as I observe and define my tolerances in a relationship.
Ummmmm - that sucks. I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's hope there's at least some mis-perception in there. Hope.
This seems to be one of the difficult bridges to cross as a 3rd entering an existing pair. Too often the pair seems locked into a certain paired flow and they believe the 3rd - as a free and independent person, has nothing else going on in their life/heart but to sit back and wait for the call. Or the hug.

I wish all 3 way relationships would start with something like this....

{pair} - we want you to be as much a part of our life as possible but we need you to share with us what YOU need too ! We can't promise to always provide but we'll try. It's new to us but we believe in it and are committed to making changes that need to be made to fit a different model.
You're happiness matters to us !

{new 3rd} I know you guys have a life, history, patterns that's worked for a pair. I want to be as much a part of that as possible. I know it will take time, but I need to know you believe me in this and I need to feel we're making forward progress. I don't want to feel parked on the sideline. And I want to help make your life easier and better. Your happiness matters to me !

Only if.............

You seem to have a good handle on this - if maybe you are a little disillusioned right now. But we all know all too well - not everyone that 'wants' an expanded relationship is willing to put forth the effort required. With all the other pressures of modern life, sometimes it just seems too much. So you try to wing it for awhile, hope to get something for nothing - or some majik. You seem prepared to call a spade a spade if it comes to that.

I hope for you (and them) it doesn't come to that. The early phases are the most work, after awhile it does smooth out somewhat - if you can get over that hump !

Good luck.

GS
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  #17  
Old 10-28-2010, 09:57 PM
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I can relate to a lot of this. He and I have a great connection but she and I don't connect on a deep level, just a surface one. I've been trying to get them to be better about making plans further ahead, so I'm not waiting and waiting and then stuck with no plans if they don't want to hang out. Coming into an established relationship is challenging. It's easy to make assumptions. I have a hard time expressing what I want, so I've had to work on that a lot. I'm starting to understand why a triad is so difficult to form.
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  #18  
Old 10-29-2010, 01:26 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@GS- Thanks. I like your last posting. Funny thing is...all of these things have been voiced so I am just going to reiterate to them again because I truly do just want to make sure we all have the same expectations of the relationship at this point and we are all still vested in the relationship. I don't believe I am disillusioned since this is not my first 'go round'. I just believe my partners and I have a very different approach to these things...which is fine...but we need to brush up on the lines of communication in all directions. I understand that sacrifice is necessary and I am the one sacrificing the most since I am the single keeping myself available to them and keeping my emotions secured for them so...

We have touched bases so they are eager to have the conversation when I get back in town on Saturday so...I"ll post an update.

Thanks again.
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  #19  
Old 10-29-2010, 01:35 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@Ray- thanks for stopping by. Yea...I think all relationships can be difficult to form. Even moreso when the lines of communication cannot be clearly established and maintained. I know that my couple so easily fall back into the 'dual'. I mean, they have been at it for ten years so I do see that; however, I also see that this is something they researched and talked about and consulted with their poly friends throughout the decision to actually enter into it because they are like that; however, I've voiced it the couple of times it has overshadowed the 3-partner relationship, as they requested. I just wonder how much of that I can tolerate and how much of me calling it out can they tolerate. What's funny is, this was never an issue in my previous experiences. I never struggled with finding a comfortable place in the relationship and being included so...I am grateful for the opportunity to experience a different component since it provides me with knowledge for the future.

I hope this experience helps you express your needs and desires clearly and openly.
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  #20  
Old 10-31-2010, 05:45 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Unhappy Update

So I have managed to have my discussion with my partners and a very interesting and vital revelation has come out of it. While my male partner understood and agree with me on my viewpoints and acknowledged they were things he needed to work on, my female partner told me that she was not as physically attracted to me as, she believes, I am to her and could probably take or leave the relationship because her focus is on personal goals (which is understandable). She basically stated that she would be interested in continuing to hang out with me and being friends but she does not desire the sexual aspect of the relationship.

I'm glad that information came out, though, I am upset to find out that (1) both partners have kept this knowledge hidden from me, (2) my female partner has basically subjected herself to interactions that she really didn't want with me, and (3) we really are not working towards what was originally discussed and I'm the last one to find out.

Pretty much, all of the concerns I originally had are null and void because, without her participation in building an all-inclusive poly triad, me not being included in their conversations; me not feeling a part of a 3-party relationship when we are all together; and me feeling that my female partner is not giving much effort into communication with me and building our relationship all revolve around a different type of relationship then what we, ultimately, are in and that was really the entire point of the conversation to begin with.

So, we somewhat pondered where we go from here ... and we are still pondering. As I have stated on the board and to my partners, a 'V' poly relationship was not my goal but that is where I am finding myself and in a secondary position. I don't know where I sit with that right now since I'm less than 30 minutes out of their presence. The original arrangement was that we would all only emotionally connect with each other. For me, that connection consisted of an all-inclusive companion/intimate relationship. With that no longer being the case, I know that I will not be emotionally fulfilled with just the connection between my male partner and I.

We spoke of our desire to have a live-in poly relationship in the future. They are working on having a baby. I mean, I'm now pondering the future as the time for these things draw near and concerned about how that will look...if they are still in the plans...what our roles will be...etc.

I don't even want to think about it anymore. I'm going to bed.
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