And then there were three...(this is a stream of consciousness)

Karma and I got married at a courthouse. The only thing I regret is that we didn't have a religious ceremony. I don't miss the dress or all the big to do. We had a small reception at a local restaraunt. Looking back, I'm glad we didn't spend the money on it. It's not about where you have it, it's that you're doing it. Don't stress over it, enjoy it. Celebrate your love, don't stress of details you won't remember in a few years.
 
Karma and I got married at a courthouse. The only thing I regret is that we didn't have a religious ceremony. I don't miss the dress or all the big to do. We had a small reception at a local restaraunt. Looking back, I'm glad we didn't spend the money on it. It's not about where you have it, it's that you're doing it. Don't stress over it, enjoy it. Celebrate your love, don't stress of details you won't remember in a few years.
*blush*
 
I applaude you. I firmly believe that too much money is spent on weddings, including my own. When everything was said and done, I immediately knew that a small family BBQ would have been more fun, not to mention a lot less money, but you can't tell a 22yr old girl anything, my dad tried.

Funny, my Dad has been telling us to elope for quite some time! :p
 
So something went click this weekend...

So as TP has attested we had a discussion revolving around redefining boundaries. I always wanted her ring on mainly as a mark to stave of cowboys; but I've realized after spending a lot of time with Mr. A that he's not one.

He's been considerate of my relationship with TP, my feelings regarding our time together and more. Frankly I like him as a friend too; we get along well. All that being said, I was more than happy to make his life a little easier by letting the ring come off IF/when TP meets Mr. A's family. I told him as much, and I know Mr. A still has a touch of the other man syndrome, so I am doing all I can to show him he's welcome in my home by me and by telling him outright. I've gone ahead and extended him more time with TP, even with it's me making all of us dinner.

I guess it just clicked on the weekend that she's not going anywhere she won't come back to me...that she loves me and will be with me. Some things still have to battle out of my reptile brain, but for the first time in several months I feel 100% like I can handle this. I can handle poly.

I could attribute it to good communication, putting some of my needs first...I mean not sacrificing my needs and pushing my boundaries too far too fast to try and please TP, which I had been doing...I'm a recovering cynic, so part of me still goes back to that to say that part of it is I have found someone who wants to be with me, add to the pseudonyms: LS, and is accepting of my life, all of it. LS and TP are talking online a little bit, I still sense LS is a little hesitant, but she talks it out....and her first reaction was one I've experienced before with a twist: she had trouble coming to grips with what she felt was the finite nature of our relationship; here's the twist she was upset about hurting me....in our talk she was upset that she was eventually going to end up leaving me....so we made a deal that she will eventually leave for her 'one' and I won't hold it against her.

So I'd like to think it's a combination of those things, but I am fortunate to have stuck this out because it's helped me to start to work through my jealousy and trust issues, insecurities, and my tendency to internalize my own feelings....I have always felt like the middle child syndrome was made for me (I'm a twin, but treated like the middle child) and always put my needs second; now I am making choices I want and I need and not just sacrificing a bit of myself for people I am with or family....and it feels good.

IM
 
I had a small wedding and it was great. While I don't think big and/or fancy weddings are necessarily bad, I think sometimes it's more about expectations that actual wants/needs. It's important to find what would work for you, regardless of how common it is and how other people would see it.

Because I've always though marriage should be like a lease, that is, you get it for, say, 3 or 5 years, and can renew it or not (it seems ridiculous to me that one partner saying "I want a divorce" wouldn't be enough for the divorce to be effective. You need everyone involve to want the relationship for it to even exist, in my opinion), I'm more the kind to want regular vow renewals with small ceremonies rather than one single big fancy thing.

And if a wedding becomes more stressful than something you look forward to, there is a problem!

Whatever happens in the end, I hope it will be what works best for you guys and will make you very happy.
 
Something drew us together while push my friend and I apart

So tonight I told a close friend about my poly relationship, honestly thinking that I had before and she would be accepting...the background being she 'had been bi' and had a child out of wedlock, and finally married her 5th fiancée...no judgments here, those are the facts....

that being said I told her, and using advice from Mono and others I used language that she might understand rather than explain a poly relationship. Didn't quite work out so well...The argument was quite hostile. She went off about the sanctity of marriage, and why bother getting married if you are just going to $&#* someone else. I did my best to explain that poly wasn't just about the physical..it didn't take...stubborn impudence...She had the gall to discuss the sanctity of marriage when her own husband had to trick her into spending time with his family...a dick move on his part, but what husband does that...and what does it say about their marriage (I didn't tell her all that part)

then she went off about kids and telling our hypothetical, as yet unborn but not unnamed kids kids about poly:

"Good luck explaining that to your children one day. Oh yes we're married...mommy just has a bf and that's ok." to which I replied "Yes. It's done. I've spent time on a forum (;)) reading about people married, with children and in relationships"

she went off again about that not *#&%ing up a child. I told her it would be no more traumatizing than a divorce, a loveless marriage, or an abusive home...still not through to her...and then she abruptly ended the conversation because it was 'pissing her off'...

now to her credit she ended it before she got worked up enough to pick a fight, because I generally don't like to pull punches and if I am going to have to deal with personal attacks I like to end it in a solid decimating volley of personal attacks rather than dole out jabs...just a personality flaw I guess....

This whole thing really pissed me off, not that she was reacting the way she was, but my expectations of her reactions had been different...I have taken the optimistic path (fighting the cynic in me) and said she will come around.

Ultimately I am looking at this whole thing as being a bit of a learning experience for TP and I. We've had many 'coming out' conversations, most positive, but I guess dealing with a negative conversation with a friendship that has been on the decline, and 'final nail in the coffin" as TP said, is good prep (no better words come to mind) in case of negative conversations in the future with more important people...I resisted the urge to be a champion of Poly...instead just tried to get the idea that I am happy with this across...I also resisted the urge to tell her to get off her high horse and smell the bullshit she's shovelling....

oh! and the best was her trying to explain to me that if I was in a poly relationship I couldn't live in Canada as it's Polygamy and adultery is illegal. I had to hold off cutting her down a notch, and just pointed out that polygamy is marrying multiple spouses and that adultery isn't illegal but won't do anyone any favours in a divorce...Is it adultery if we are both having it, know about the other's adultery and fully endorse it?....

IM
 
I admire your restaint and your positive attitude.

Adultery isn't even on divorce/seperation paperwork in California anymore.
 
I left out part of the argument where my friend called the concept of an open/poly relationship 'nonsensical selfishness' I had asked her to explain this...she really didn't other than to restate that a relationship where you can be married and be with someone else is selfish...I replied with "Expecting one person to settle for a life without all of their needs being met because I only want them to be with me is more selfish." her reply was "then why bother getting married at all?" I really really wanted to start in about monogamous marriages ending in infidelity etc. etc. etc. but restrained myself from standing on a soap box.

All in all, the argument actually helped crystallize my feelings on Poly. When I say that most conversations have been positive the number are about 10 or less conversations, maybe 3 negative. One of them, ironically was with a person in an open relationship (not poly, just open) and she had told me that I could not find an OSO or have her and others really believe I wanted a Poly relationship because I wasn't buying what I was trying to sell.

It was really true in the beginning, how could I convince people that Poly was a good thing for me if I didn't know it myself? That's really changed, and the argument this evening really helped me to codify my 'take' on poly, and my reasons for being in this with TP.

TP has said in her blog I could take it or leave it, and she's right, I could be a happy mono, but I could also be a happy poly. I choose poly because the pros outweigh the cons...I just never imagined I would be so strongly offended by someone challenging truths I didn't know I fully held before...so introverted growth all around then...

IM
 
TP has said in her blog I could take it or leave it, and she's right, I could be a happy mono, but I could also be a happy poly. I choose poly because the pros outweigh the cons...I just never imagined I would be so strongly offended by someone challenging truths I didn't know I fully held before...so introverted growth all around then...

*swoon*:rolleyes:
 
I just never imagined I would be so strongly offended by someone challenging truths I didn't know I fully held before...so introverted growth all around then...

Interesting how somethings we can shift mindsets without realizing it right away.

Good on you for sticking to your guns. I haven't told any of the friends that I expect to react in such a fashion...but I'm sure it'll happen one of these days.
 
So I've not posted in a while, mainly because I've been dealing with my own stresses and every time I've sat down to write I've found the words not coming...

But I've got to get it down quick while I feel the motivation. Ive not a lot to report Mr. A and TP are great, my friendship with Mr. A is growing and TP was right in her blog about the comfort level rising...one instance I recall is Mr. A leaving after our usual Thursday evening and gave TP a hug to my surprise I blurted out "oh just give the girl a kiss!" so apparently my comfort level comes up in spurts.

That being said it's one month to the day for the wedding. TP had said " who the he'll invites their boyfriend (Mr.A) to their wedding?" and frankly I want him there; he's important to her and a friend of mine and I would feel bad if he wasn't there since I know he's still battling the other man feelings, but I don't have friends that come over every week and I woudn't be as welcoming and giving (read TP's blog for a list of my self sacrifices) nor would I give up my Chicken Cheddar Ale Soup leftovers to just anyone...he's a bachelor hah he doesn't even own a kettle...or vegetables.

I came out to my oldest and closest friend, he was increibly accepting and honoured; he's in California and I'm in Ontario but as he said me coming out to him went a long way to reaffirming a trust and closeness between us. This is the guy that found out I was getting married and said 'when and where do I need to be?', even almost dipped into next year's vacation (he works for Google so he can do things like that). It was one of those moments that made my week.

The bookend, sort of, to that is that one of the women I had started chatting with...still trying POF but not too hard, it was stressing me out to be so intensely looking for an OSO and ruining my chances...so this women was told about TP and she took the 'not able to get over monogamy' route which was disappointing but the bookend....to this bookend...is that the other woman was told and totally accepting...we've not talked much but I like to think it will develop well; even though the other woman, LS gave up on me because she couldn't reconcile the nonmonogamy.

I've got a good feeling about how things are going, I don't need to force the OSO search as I've become comfortable with myself and just doing things in my own gait....TPs been good to let me proceed at my own pace, I'm always saying I play the long game and let things work at their own speed, and I've for the patience for that because the status quo is pretty all right.
 
Well I've had some revelations, some poly, some personal...I've been reticent to vocalize these mainly due to a lack of motivation to post and a decided lack of ability to put down these in any coherent way....so here goes...

TP's sense of serenity has benefited me in numerous ways....obviously she's not snapping or reacting angrily, but it's been great to see her happy. We've been less sexually intimate but physically we are closer than we've been in a while; we're making it work.

As for me and poly I came to a couple realizations; first I can take it or leave it...poly that is. Exclusive of wanting to be in a poly relationship, I guess to be comfortable and stop worrying about getting another relationship...I was forcing it, and I realize that I've fallen ass backwards into any relationship I've been in....dammit! Why did they let Michael Vick back in the NFL?? he's killing Indy's secondary! I guess I'm comfortable with myself and where I am is that right now I need to just stop worrying about trying to find an OSO and enjoy what I have because I can... If it happens it happens, if not I can deal...

I've come out to my closest friend and I've come out to a friend from high school and it went over well; I still don't think I am able to come out to my family but that will be with time I am sure. For now I just look casually for an OSO and enjoy the heightened physical intimacy...things are ok.
 
Thanks for the update :) You're perspective and experience as you move towards your wedding and open up to people is unique my friend. Very happy for you both!
 
I'm glad you were able to sort through that. I'm with you. Well, once I find a solid primary relationship, I believe I will be able to take or leave multipartners ... I hope.

Many positive vibes coming your way~~~~~
 
I'm glad you were able to sort through that. I'm with you. Well, once I find a solid primary relationship, I believe I will be able to take or leave multipartners ... I hope.

Many positive vibes coming your way~~~~~

That seems (to me) to be an odd thing to say. Would you mind elaborating? :)
 
@truckerpete- I don't mind at all but I'll send you a message since my response to your response really has nothing to do with Indigo's thread. :)

I hope everyone has a great day!
 
Well it finally happened...I'm someone's husband...:) It was an amazing evening...Mr. A was there, he didn't feel it would be appropriate to sit next to TP so he sat one person over...and I wouldn't have had it any other way...he means a lot to her, and he's a good friend..so to have him there even as a 'friend' of TP's was great....the man loves a wedding apparently.

I suppose it gave me a pang or two of guilt once I was able to think of it after the fact that it diminishes his role in her life and in mine because I'm worried about how my family will react...it seems trivial at times the distinction of it...I live my life how I choose...my family doesn't ask my gay brother what it's like to suck dick (pardon the crudeness) why should I worry they will think less of me for how I live my life (they don't think less of him, just a parallel to private lifestyles)...and sometimes it seems a mountain sized issue...and part of it is that I worry they will think less of my wife (still odd to say TP) for having a boyfriend when I don't have an OSO....like she's pushed me into this or she's some kind of slut, etc. all the usual societal mores objections...

I can't reconcile the two sides to come to a course of action or make it so that the guilt goes away. I suppose I need to let Mr. A know that he is a valued part of my life as much as TPs...gets her the hell out of my hair for a while some days ;) but I suppose I am getting used to the solitude of TP being out...I've not been looking on POF or elsewhere really at all recently for potentials for a month or more. Just have no interest in really trying...I would definitely not stop looking completely but rejections are exponentially worse each time...and it's the same story...women don't share well...

To end on a happy note, TP was feeling bad because I was going to have dinner with my best man tonight and she was going to see Mr. A...but my best man (who's up from California for the wedding) was spending time with family instead...can't fault him...love his family they are mum and dad set #2 and he's crashed at our place 2 nights in a row and spent a load of money on me and TP at my bachelor party...strippers are expensive at the strip club...but TP and I enjoyed it...So I've worked out a new way to let TP know I am good with things...I've decided to instead of saying "it's okay." to just let her know my needs are met...and then there's the good Mr. A, money's tight for him, so he's decided to 'Do nice things' for us instead of buying us a gift...which makes me feel good...why do new husbands spin their wedding rings on their fingers?...they are desperately trying to find the combination.....Take my wife please! etc etc etc
 
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Congrats, Indigo & TP! Unfortunately, the point you made about women not sharing well tends to be so true, many times, at the denial of most said women. smh...I'm sure you will eventually run across another special woman to expand your family with. Until then, I'm sure, you will continue to enjoy every moment you create in your journey. *hugs*
 
Am I a coward?

Am I coward?...I think I might be...I have been thinking about it for days now...really a little bit since the wedding, and my anger over making one of my guests (Mr. A) uncomfortable because he couldn't really tell how he knew us.

I've always been afraid of rejection, ALWAYS. It's kept me from acting...ask TP she had to ask me out after 2+ weeks of talking on msn before our first date because I was too afraid she would say no, or go out with me and then reject me...in High School, in University...I hesitate because I fear rejection...now that fear has manifested itself in a fear to tell my family about the whole shebang that is my Poly lifestyle. It's a total fear of my family reacting badly...but it's not like there's overwhelming evidence that they would, it's just the fear of the unknown....and it's that fear that has affected my life for a while...it's fed my shyness (which I have overcome) it's fed my worries...it's made me a coward when it comes to my life...I talk a good talk about it being my life and if you don't like it, you don't have to live it or be a part of it...but it's not true. I really am a coward when it comes to the unknown.
 
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