My heart feels like it expanded...
I am ashamed for the hurt I caused by keeping this to myself whilst wanting to share the experience with seeking (A).
Thanks to all who contributed so far. I'm sure A appreciates and so do I. I am also sure, that D will appreciate, knowing she "signed up" too. So yes, we are all THREE here now.
In case you want to know or it might help to assess the situation, if not... skip to the next paragraph. 41, married with A since 12 years, 2 great kids together (11/8), big daughter (24) from "earlier days". Traditionally a loner but always had more female friends when male friends, rather "bottled up" as far as emotions go but love to work. IT background and ex-Air force gone business... Publishing, IT, Project Management, Design, Marine Business... I love to work. I am also practising Rei-Ki since 15 years and I am a Rei-Ki Master since 2 years now. Yes, I spent 13 years as apprentice before I felt ready. I think that should do, ask if you need to know more, but I felt this might be helpful to complete a picture.
Now, what happened... We were looking for a assistant to support me and A found one she liked and felt comfortable with. So did I, from day 1! No, not in a sexual way as some might think now, but rather on an emotional level. And please, let's not bring the boss-PA-cliché in now. It was NOT like that at all. It was the first touch of hands - electrifying, soothing calming... I could not explain it. Yes, soon enough I developed deeper feelings and felt very comfortable with her around, felt ... love... That's when I started to question THIS, my marriage, myself...
There was nothing wrong with my marriage, nothing at all. I do love my wife, I love my kids, i love being around and with them, even though it may not seem so at times for a lot of work, which I love (remember). There was nothing wrong with me either, quite the opposite - I had opened up again, yet I closed at the same time. THIS felt good and it still does! Good on another level. Please, it is difficult to put in words and I had a hell of a time since D-Day, trying to explain "the feeling" to my wife with words AND to D.
When A found out I really would have loved to be able to say:"I am sorry darling, it was just an affair and did not mean anything." But I could not. Because it was not. It was early into our post D-Day discussions (which were up and down but great and I appreciate all of it truly), only 5 days later, then we attempted to "close" the D-chapter... and A seen and felt I could not do that for what I felt for D yet A knowing that I indeed do love her and nothing changed there. I am a few months ahead in (trying) to figure THIS out and thanks to the Web, found most alignment between what I feel and do in Poly. NO... it is NOT my excuse to get the best of both sides! My first encounter was like almost 20 years back in Europe, with 2 beautiful and funtastic woman, who turned to be out sisters and very sharing. After it fizzled out (I had to return to the UK from mainland) I locked it back in the deepest drawers as "been-there-done-that-was-great" - experience. Besides, it was really more on the fun side and not deep emotionally.
THIS was different. Yes, technically I was cheating on my wife. We went for "virtual counselling" under the topic of "surviving infidelity"... and strayed off. Because there was something else... Besides the "cheating affair" there was also the issue of what I truly and deeply felt inside me for D AND for my wife! As if that is not enough to complicate things, my wife having to deal with my "affair" and the emotional consequences for us, now she has to deal with the "poly-matter" as well, tearing down the walls of "socially nurtured paradigms". Guess what? I also felt "connected" to D in a very special, non-sexual, non-physical but 'fulfilling' way... I feel her spiritually - and when she is happy and at peace (which she was not for the better part of our "affair" for the hiding and secretiveness) she radiates positive, calm and all encompassing deep reaching Energy. She is beautiful from within - and did not even know. My wife's Chakra is the 5th, mine is the 6th and guess what... D's is the 7th - the crown Chakra. The lower 3 in each of us are perfectly balanced and the 3 of us together complement ea. other. I wanted to share this with the woman I love - my wife!
I don't know if this makes sense to you here or not and you can believe or imagine what you want or just accept, as I did, and so too did my my wife by now.
So here we are, my wife, D and I, "after cheating" plus poly plus spiritual... Damn it, I wish it was easier, but it is not.
When A found out and asked me for truth and honesty, I asked her repeatedly, if she really wants to know the truth and me being absolute honest. She did ...and it hurt! Her, me and D.
That was followed by 3 weeks of daily talks, re-assurances, piecing puzzles together, trying to make sense of all and ... to find a way to move forward together. And this is where complications start. I order to do that we had to decide on how-together-mono-poly
The together was easy - YES! no question at all. I love my wife and I know and feel she loves me too. So not for the kids but for US ... we move forward together! Mono...? Then I have to bury D, the spiritual and the poly issue. To be objective, and I think we both were, it might wallop up again ...one day... so, poly...? If poly, then with or without D. Considering the spiritual value we all might gain together it would make sense, considering the hurt I caused with my "affair" (I hte this word!) with D to A, to right if A does not want to see D again at all. That was the predicament and that caused a period of stalling.
By all means, I knew what I had done (as it was done a few years back to me before), I knew what A felt and how she suffered. We knew we wanted to move forward together, but HOW?
A was a real treasure during the next days and I really love her for that too, coming out of her safe "social framework" and considering poly, so we could deal with it according to how WE feel and see fit. But not only that ... as you know from her post earlier yesterday, we planned to meet all three, A, D and I. And meet we did.
Please, I do empathise with my wife and I know what I did to her feelings, last but not least because I was down that lane before myself (not with her). The issue was to find direction, which is difficult enough after any affair and considering poly. But there was a third person to consider here too! I did not want to pressure my wife into something but we needed to come clear on the how to. One thing I learned in my life is that if you really have a fear or phobia then the best way to deal with it and "treat" it is to face it. And I a really grateful my wife decided to do that and we all three met - sooner then I would have thought or had hoped.
You are all very encouraging. Thank you for the strength and comfort you are giving us.
I did take my responsibility and realised how bad and hurtful this would/will be and was for my wife. and that was adding to the pain and the "emotional" withdraw, the hanging in between. I am not playing the victim and I do not wish for anyone to have to go through this. At the same time D is not the other woman or mistress in this but rather a "victim" as my wife is. I was actually the ass pursuing her against her principles (and until then mine too). I did it all and wish I would have found a way to tell A and share earlier, but honestly seeking your advice here (even though it's a bit late in the day for that) HOW? I was afraid of hurting her, I did not find the "right way" to tell her ... we tried, may be A wants to elaborate on that a bit more. I did not try to protect myself, but constantly tried to make it somehow "comfortable" for both, A and D. I found out it doesn't work, but we are all wiser with hindsight.
@Mohegan and GroundedSpirit
Oh my, I read through your threads Mohegan... thank you. I wish you all the best and happiness. Dreams are there to be lived. GS, I believe your reply might have been the trigger for the first "threesome outing" we had yesterday. Thank you. I don't think you quite know how much support you gave us, especially with your validation of the spiritual thing PROBABLY being quite real. And yes... it is, as I am sure A felt it now too. Thank you. *LOOONG HUG* (I did say I am emotionally bottled up!) But Angel D opened the cap for all three of us.
What can I say, I love two angels, two loving and caring woman who actually do feel love for each other too (emotionally). One thing I forgot to mention though, I have not cried a tear in like over 20 years! Yesterday it was very very close - I had to gulp a few times, at least felt like crying.... when D told A she loves me and HER TOO! And A, my great wife... also loves D.
I believe, during our "date" A also felt a bit of what I felt and we all felt warm and comfortable, last but not least for D who was very open and understanding and ACCEPTING too. And she was the last one to be HIT by me with "poly and spirit". But she was great, thank you babe, and thank you darling, my wife. I love both of you, slightly different and no, not one more than the other, just different making it all complete. I don't know how we are going to make it. It-What? It's new to me too. But I feel, I know we can, and we can make it a happy life together, content and enjoyable, with respect for each other as long as we keep all as open as is now.
Shoot me, I am sorry, I did not intend to "byte up" the forum with my "defence".
If you made it down to this line... thank you for reading.
Looking forward to hear (read) from ALL of you.
"Just for today..."