Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #411  
Old 10-25-2010, 03:05 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Reply With Quote
  #412  
Old 10-25-2010, 05:59 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default moving day.

We woke up, Mono and I to radiant sun shining through his bedroom window. It was warm enough to open it and hear the birds and smell the fall leaves, so colourful and after a night of stormy wind and rain, they covered the playing field out side the window. Beautiful.

It has been one month over a year that he moved there and I remembered last year at this time. I had followed the seasons through that window. A year of Saturday mornings. The change of the light; higher or lower in the sky, the change of the trees from fall, to winter, to spring to summer, each as glorious as the last season. The chestnuts are left hanging on the branches and the aspen left still as golden as last year when we arrived.
I remember full moons shining through that window draping is in soft blue moon light.
Mono got up and made me coffee and breakfast in bed, as usual but less elaborate due to his empty fridge all read for his move. We lay for a second and took it all in. Thinking about the day and what to do. I then decided to entice him to get the move done today. (more tho follow)
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #413  
Old 10-25-2010, 09:55 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default moving day

I suggested to Mono that maybe he could try relaxing his boundaries around allowing people to help him where his move was concerned and see if PN and the boy wanted to help. It was my opinion that they might want to in order to feel part of the process and in that way have there own process to go through. Mono was hesitant but agreed that I could call and see what they were up to for the day.

I called and asked PN if he would come over to help and that he might find it useful to be part of the move as he hasn't really been involved much all month while Mono painted and did some renos. PN said he had to get some things done and that he didn't know what his time looked like. I become easily frustrated with him when he says things like that and launches into what he needs to do. It was stuff like laundry and ironing, lunches and doing some writing for his blog. I said, "fine, see you later" and decided to put him aside to help Mono. He said, "no wait a minute, I have to think about it." so I suggested he call back when he had.

I get frustrated because to me the things he wanted to do could be done later and that he was trading a bonding experience for laundry etc. He is also much slower than I in everything he does just about and to me all that would take a half hour, not a whole day. I quite often decide to carry on without him when it becomes apparent that his values are different than mine. To me, laundry etc. can be dropped and done later if someone needs help or asks me to do something that makes me feel like I have given of myself. He doesn't see it this way and feels inconvenienced from his routine.

He called back and said he could be free at 2. He would do what he needed to do before hand and would come over then with the boy. We had a discussion for a few minutes about what I mentioned above and how it might be better for us if we just talked about time instead of details around how he uses his time if it triggers me to get frustrated. He agreed and it was a good conversation that moved us forward. The whole time Mono was saying he wished I had never asked! PN and I drive each other crazy with our endless communication and discussions about how to be with one another. (more to follow)
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 10-26-2010 at 08:43 PM. Reason: add title
Reply With Quote
  #414  
Old 10-25-2010, 10:14 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,532
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
PN said he had to get some things done and that he didn't know what his time looked like. I become easily frustrated with him when he says things like that and launches into what he needs to do. It was stuff like laundry and ironing, lunches and doing some writing for his blog. I said, "fine, see you later" and decided to put him aside to help Mono. He said, "no wait a minute, I have to think about it." so I suggested he call back when he had.

I get frustrated because to me the things he wanted to do could be done later and that he was trading a bonding experience for laundry etc. He is also much slower than I in everything he does just about and to me all that would take a half hour, not a whole day. I quite often decide to carry on without him when it becomes apparent that his values are different than mine. To me, laundry etc. can be dropped and done later if someone needs help or asks me to do something that makes me feel like I have given of myself. He doesn't see it this way and feels inconvenienced from his routine.
It's not that he wasn't willing to help, it was that it was a surprise and he had already set his mind on the track he was going to take that day and the blinders were already on. Throwing in a change of plans, while not a big deal to you is a big deal to him. It requires shifting gears and re-structuring your whole thought process for the day. The first answer that comes to mind is NO, but once there has been time to think about it and re-evaluate everything it's OK.

My husband learned long time ago (I told him straight out), that I need at least 2 hours lead time to be ok with a change of plans. He used to wait until I got home to tell me we are supposed to go some place and about half the time I sent him without me other times I was grumpy for a good hour.

Funny thing is my mom had not figured this aout about my dad until I pointed it out and they had been married almost 30 years at that point.
Reply With Quote
  #415  
Old 10-25-2010, 11:32 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Homer, Alaska
Posts: 133
Default

What Sneacail said. I also often get locked into a mental plan for my day, and don't shift gears easily. It's getting a little easier, but my first internal reaction to a change is usually negative.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
The whole time Mono was saying he wished I had never asked! PN and I drive each other crazy with our endless communication and discussions about how to be with one another.
This made me laugh.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Funny thing is my mom had not figured this aout about my dad until I pointed it out and they had been married almost 30 years at that point.
So did this!
__________________
Anotherbo
Reply With Quote
  #416  
Old 10-25-2010, 11:38 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Squamish, BC
Posts: 790
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by anotherbo View Post
What Sneacail said. I also often get locked into a mental plan for my day, and don't shift gears easily. It's getting a little easier, but my first internal reaction to a change is usually negative.
Musterbating!
__________________
Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create


My Journey to Health and Fitness
My Journey as a Widow

Jane
Reply With Quote
  #417  
Old 10-25-2010, 11:49 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Homer, Alaska
Posts: 133
Default

Do they know what musterbating is, MBG? If not you should tell em!
__________________
Anotherbo
Reply With Quote
  #418  
Old 10-26-2010, 12:05 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It's not that he wasn't willing to help, it was that it was a surprise and he had already set his mind on the track he was going to take that day and the blinders were already on. Throwing in a change of plans, while not a big deal to you is a big deal to him. It requires shifting gears and re-structuring your whole thought process for the day. The first answer that comes to mind is NO, but once there has been time to think about it and re-evaluate everything it's OK.

My husband learned long time ago (I told him straight out), that I need at least 2 hours lead time to be ok with a change of plans. He used to wait until I got home to tell me we are supposed to go some place and about half the time I sent him without me other times I was grumpy for a good hour.

Funny thing is my mom had not figured this aout about my dad until I pointed it out and they had been married almost 30 years at that point.
This is exactly true. I realize that and accept it, but I don't get it because I am not like that. I fly by the seat of my pants quite often if I don't have something scheduled. Most of the time I do have something on...

I really like the idea of a two hour window that leads up to something unforeseen. I will see if this works for him and if he can relate.

thanks
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #419  
Old 10-26-2010, 12:11 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

redpepper, I was just skimming some of your recent posts and I want to know what your trick is for getting laundry done in half an hour (assuming it's full loads and not just a pair of socks and underwear). Because if you CAN do laundry, eat lunch, and write a blog in half an hour, then you should be running the world. Maybe it's some sort of time-travel secret, but whatever it is, please share it with all of us, so that we, too, can benefit.

kthxbai.
Reply With Quote
  #420  
Old 10-26-2010, 12:13 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

its called do as much as I need and often, not all in one day and if something comes up,,, abandon ship to go do something more fun or in the moment. Like now. Writing here is way more fun than making dinner. Dinner can wait. well not really, gotta get on it.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, foundations, kids, ldr, ldrs, mono poly, mono poly dating nature, mono/poly, moving in, negotiations, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, redpepper, rules, swinging, third partner, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:15 PM.