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  #401  
Old 10-24-2010, 03:09 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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It's interesting, RP, that you've chosen 2 introverts as life partners, when you yourself are so extroverted. Have you asked yourself why you did that? I know you love both of them very much, but I've heard you complain about your frustration around this, esp with PN, so much.
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  #402  
Old 10-24-2010, 05:53 PM
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Yes, I have wondered that. There is some envy in their hermitous ways (I made that word up ). I have a long way to go to become more of the hermit and introvert that I envy being. First step, practicing being alone.

I would like to achieve a balance somehow.

PN does frustrate me around his hermitous ways as he complains that he has no friends. He has relied on me to bring his social life to him. At a time when I am removing myself more from being with others all the time, he finds this difficult.

He was complaining last night that he feels lonely. I immediately take that on as my fault. I told him that perhaps he should search for a woman or man that likes to be home with him... but I don't think that is it as he doesn't really hang out with me while we are at home either. At least not all snuggly on the couch... he isn't in to that and sits up after a couple of minutes and wants his side of the couch.

I asked him if he prefer I stay home instead of going to Mono's birthday party... PN had been gone all day on a mushroom foray and we hadn't seen him all day. He said no, but I wonder if he would of preferred I stay home.

I fear that my frustration is going to become worse before it gets better actually as I go through the process of becoming more "in my room" ... it's a bit of a metaphor isn't it? As I take on my own life and let go of things like unfinished bathrooms that I have no control of as it's not mine to control... I am essentially leaving PN to his ow defenses and he has no chose but to go with it... so much guilt there, but it is so necessary for me to grow into something different, because it hasn't been working.

I just carry on Magdyln, don't really know what to do with that one.... I am just waiting to see where it goes. If you or anyone have thoughts, I am open to a conversation... or more questions.
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  #403  
Old 10-24-2010, 07:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
PN does frustrate me around his hermitous ways as he complains that he has no friends. He has relied on me to bring his social life to him. At a time when I am removing myself more from being with others all the time, he finds this difficult.

He was complaining last night that he feels lonely. I immediately take that on as my fault. I told him that perhaps he should search for a woman or man that likes to be home with him... but I don't think that is it as he doesn't really hang out with me while we are at home either. At least not all snuggly on the couch... he isn't in to that and sits up after a couple of minutes and wants his side of the couch.
PN and I should talk. We are alot alike.

I realized just recently that I had been involved with the same people for 10-15 years but didn't really feel like they were my friends, for a lot of reasons. I have been doing a lot of things recently to fix my need for friends that are seperate from my husbands friends. It's a slow process, but it did require an attitude change on my part and stepping outside my comfort zone more often.

Quote:
I asked him if he prefer I stay home instead of going to Mono's birthday party... PN had been gone all day on a mushroom foray and we hadn't seen him all day. He said no, but I wonder if he would of preferred I stay home.
I doubt that he wanted you to stay home. First it would make him feel guilty, toward both you and Mono (Birthday party is a big thing). Second if he was out all day, he probably needed time alone to decompress and going out again would just make him grumpy.

The truth is he does this to himself and most of the time is probably grateful that you have someone else to do things with so he doesn't have to. However, it does catch up to us every once in a while.

As far as cuddling, just sit close enough to touch him, hold his hand, touch his legs with your feet, etc. I'm the non-cuddly person also, I get too hot, too uncomfortable or just can't sit still for that long. The simple touches will convey the same message, that you are there for him, not because there is nothing else to do. Save the cuddling toward the end of the movie (or such), just before you want to take him off to bed .
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  #404  
Old 10-24-2010, 07:21 PM
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Hi there, Red,
I been catching up on some of what I've missed here on you blog, and boy! it sure sounds like you're going through some STUFF! Good and not-so-great.

There are a couple of things I wanted to comment on:
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
. . . I'm so sick of not having the money to do simple things that bring me joy.... It drives me crazy some days. The thing is that on the outside I appear to have as much as other people in my life when it comes to house, car, money to buy good food and some other small items, but that is where the outside look ends... truth is that we have nothing more to spend on
Now THIS . . . this, SisterWoman, is something that I know a little something about! You might say I've done advanced studies at the School of Enough. And I eventually learned this: as long as I was looking out at the world to see if I had enough, there is no such thing. Seriously. It's so easy to find someone around you that has a bigger house, faster car, shinier hair, fancier whatsit. But when I finally stopped looking out and took stock of what I really need and want, and what I already have . . . WOW! It turns out I already have an embarrassment of riches! More than enough, and plenty to share. Your mileage may vary, of course, but I suspect the same is true for you. I hope you find that to be the case.

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I went to a meeting today to be a human book at the university library next week. It was so interesting to here other peoples stories and what kind of "book" they are. We will be made available for two days where anyone can sign us out and talk to us for awhile on the topic of our lives.
Okay, that is entirely too freakin' cool!

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I'm sitting in the back of my parents vehicle having just been told not a half hour ago by my dad that I am getting fat again. What is that shit?!
WTF?! Aw HELL NO! That is so uncool! You do NOT deserve that. My mother used to run that kind of game on me, until I grew up enough to defend myself.

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I told him that it is never okay for him to mention my weight and asked him to consider his words before talking to me about such things.
You were MUCH kinder with your dad than I was with my mom. Of course the mother-daughter dynamic is so different.

Thanks for continuing to share who you are and where you're at now. I have so much respect for you: your honesty and enthusiasm, your courage and compassion. There is so much about you that I admire. Just wanted to say so.
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  #405  
Old 10-24-2010, 07:27 PM
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Myzka Myzka is offline
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whaaaat....the parents are still commenting on the weight??
Mine do too and before it used to bug me more, until I sort of re-framed it into it meaning they are caring about me and that is one of their ways. Pretty much every time I come visit, they would ask whether I've been lately to yoga or swimming or dancing etc...
I just received a letter from my grandparents (snail mail from Ukraine) and they told me that I should send them a picture when I get skinnier...my first response was: what no pictures until then? okay. But I don't think that's the way to go and it's not the battle I'm willing to fight.

On the other note, my parents are quite the opposite in terms of socializing. Back in Russia, it was more even, they had their group of friends, socialized (more separate than together), but once we moved, my mom was much more out-going than my dad. And my dad started slowly going into his shell. And now, if he had his way, he wouldn't go and do something at all...So my mom pushes him, sometimes they are almost fighting...but the craziest part is, once he is out of the house and at whatever place they were going to, he absolutely loves it and says he was such a dumbass for not wanting to go...so now my mom always reminds him, sometimes it even works...
Not much on the advice part, but just sharing the experiences
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  #406  
Old 10-25-2010, 05:27 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default To my dear disillusioned Dad...

Pretty by Kate Makkai http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0

*tear*
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-25-2010 at 05:33 AM.
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  #407  
Old 10-25-2010, 05:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I realized just recently that I had been involved with the same people for 10-15 years but didn't really feel like they were my friends, for a lot of reasons. I have been doing a lot of things recently to fix my need for friends that are seperate from my husbands friends. It's a slow process, but it did require an attitude change on my part and stepping outside my comfort zone more often.
This is exactly what he is going through!!! Thanks. At least I know it's something that happens for others... he suddenly realized that he relied entirely on his high school buddies for friendship throughout a life time, but the fact of the matter is that they have moved on because they are different than him and because he never wanted to see them because he didn't like there activities when they came to town (get drunk and throw up at pizza shops). He is nostalgic for the good old days, but that is about it where they are concerned. Tonight we went to a pot luck for the mycological society and I met one of his friends there that had the dinner. I was content to sit back and talk with people I have never met before from a completely different life style than me and was happy to see him strengthening his friendship, even though he was nervous and awkward and I could tell wanted to run away

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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
As far as cuddling, just sit close enough to touch him, hold his hand, touch his legs with your feet, etc. I'm the non-cuddly person also, I get too hot, too uncomfortable or just can't sit still for that long. The simple touches will convey the same message, that you are there for him, not because there is nothing else to do. Save the cuddling toward the end of the movie (or such), just before you want to take him off to bed .
Ha ha... more like he takes me off to bed and then I get up because he goes to bed at 9 and I at 1. Yes, just sitting together seems to be enough for him... or my just chatting while we fold laundry or do dishes. It doesn't take much really.. just some moments of philosophizing. His favorite pass time.
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  #408  
Old 10-25-2010, 05:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
WTF?! Aw HELL NO! That is so uncool! You do NOT deserve that. My mother used to run that kind of game on me, until I grew up enough to defend myself.

You were MUCH kinder with your dad than I was with my mom. Of course the mother-daughter dynamic is so different.
I have tried the blowing up root, but that is followed by "Oh stop being so dramatic, calm down, you make so much of things." I did say also that I was changing my approach and that I am usually told that so I was trying a different root. It actually seemed to work briefly and my mother followed my lead, until she told him he should stop telling me what to do and I said, well you tell him what to do also... and we had both used "you" statements and it all went down hill from there until there was silence. I pointed out our process to get to that and how hurtful it was and how I really needed to work on it and invited them to do the same...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Thanks for continuing to share who you are and where you're at now. I have so much respect for you: your honesty and enthusiasm, your courage and compassion. There is so much about you that I admire. Just wanted to say so.
You're welcome Fidelia. You and I have been here a long time, you are always so kind and supportive. I thank you for that. You always have my back and I appreciate it.
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  #409  
Old 10-25-2010, 05:50 AM
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whaaaat....the parents are still commenting on the weight??
Mine do too and before it used to bug me more, until I sort of re-framed it into it meaning they are caring about me and that is one of their ways. Pretty much every time I come visit, they would ask whether I've been lately to yoga or swimming or dancing etc...
I just received a letter from my grandparents (snail mail from Ukraine) and they told me that I should send them a picture when I get skinnier...my first response was: what no pictures until then? okay. But I don't think that's the way to go and it's not the battle I'm willing to fight.
wow, thanks, that is a really good point. I need to be more patient and empathetic. My Dad, when I told him I find it hard to communicate with him, thought it was because of his stutter (he stutters badly when he is under stress). he also said, when I told him that I learned from him what men expect, that he thought his being away so much had meant I hadn't learned anything from him or gotten anything from my childhood from him sad, and so not true... ah, my poor old Dad. He is a love... he's 73 and so not aware of anything these days... I will be patient and not take it so personally. thanks Myzka
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  #410  
Old 10-25-2010, 07:49 AM
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Thanks for everything you did today Lilo It feels good to be setting up my stuff in a space I feel I can truly settle into. Thanks for all your suggestions tonight and hanging out during the fights too!

I love you more and know you are just sleeping upstairs all safe and sound...it's nice Bbay
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