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  #11  
Old 10-23-2010, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I don't think you need to hold her hand when it comes to HER emotions. They are hers to deal with, not yours... you don't/didn't expect her to look after your emotions to the point of not doing what she felt was the best course of action and that made her feel emotionally healthy do/did you?
Herein lies MY dysfunction. I have known for a long time that I martyr myself for those I love. I protect and enable the frailties in those dear to me, often absorbing hurt to keep them safe. Until recently, I was comfortable in this.
Did I ever expect her to not BE herself to protect me or my feelings? Absolutely not. Nor do I expect that now. That role was mine, as provider and protector. I have been, for some time, the great insulator. I do my best to let her be whatever she needs, but deny myself anything I feel may bring her pain. It is not very masculine (recalling your statement about giving over power, previously) and in the distant past, that sacrafice made me resentful, but it was long ago buried. (Not resolved mind you, although I do not consciously harbor any ill will.)
I was the Knight in Shining Armor. Romantic. Proud. Vain.

Foolish.

Until her first lover, and now P, were introduced, I did not truly grasp that I was unhappy. I smothered myself in her, and she filled the void where my life and friends should have been. I was completely content in her alone. Now she is occasionally removed, and I realize that I have shelved my own needs and desires, and that it is NOT ok. I fully realize that now.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
She has placed you in a situation that is unfair... but you agreed to accept that situation and can now not accept it. You decide who puts you in situations, not anyone else. She doesn't, no one does. If you are not comfortable then it is time to negotiate a change of boundaries.
This is a difficult shift in paradigm for me, but I ackowledge that you are right. I have put myself in this place, and to remove myself will mean conflict, and hurt, and ultimately growth. But the conflict..... I fear it. I avoid such things, to my own detriment. I am more comfortable with maintaining a prejudicial staus quo, than to rock the boat for my own needs.

I am fearful of the results of needing something more than she is ready to give.


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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
....It's all very well to SAY that you are pocessive over your men, hell I am too, but that doesn't make it okay to allow that to continue. I have to work on that and face my jealousy and issues around that. That is my JOB in my relationships. I don't get to sit here and "own" my men, just because it is hard for me sometimes when they find others to love or be with in a connected way. I would be ashamed of myself for allowing that to continue to exist in me.
I am certain that, if put in that context, B would feel both guilt and shame for trying to "own" me, though I don't believe she does so with malicious intent. She has expressed feeling of guilt for her outside endevours in the past, which I worked hard to quell. If she feels guilt for the current lop-sidedness of our current arrangement, I do not know.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
....she will have to face her fears and you will have to work on that with her without backing down and allowing her emotions to cloud your goals for yourself.
I have not progressed even remotely close to the point where I can prevent her emotions from clouding my judgement. Too long on the other side of the line. Many of the revelations I have had.... they have come in the last 48 hours. Your words are all spot on, I just can't move that fast.
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  #12  
Old 10-23-2010, 07:50 AM
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It's not uncommon for people to martyr themselves for their partner. Sometimes this is a life long thing and isn't worth changing as it can work for some.... but in poly, it really doesn't seem to work. We are forced in poly it seems to be independent and to look out for our own interests more. We need to because it just won't work to push those feelings of resentment down when they become about being left at home with the kids while ones partner is out fucking another guy for the third night in a row, or a partner taking another man to a family function that was previously enjoyed by you and so on. That is really big shit. It's not about paying for the groceries because one makes more money than the other... its big emotional stuff... we, as poly people, have to advocate for our best interests or our relationships will simply end in pain and suffering, anger and a whole lot of resentment... advocate while keeping others in mind and empathizing.

I can imagine there is a shift! A big one. It's okay though, it will all be good and worth it if you decide to embrace it and face your fear rather than martyr yourself again. It is hard work and the work of a lifetime to face our fears about ourselves and our loved ones... but it is moving in ways that I just simply can't explain... its like telling someone what it is like to have a child or what it is like to be married... you just can't explain it...

Another way to think of this is from her perspective... does she really want to live with someone in her life that is resentful of her and what she does? Would that not CAUSE the guilt? Are you not in effect causing her guilt by being a martyr? Are you not possibly creating shame in her because of your martyrdom? She is also not gaining from this I think. She is losing out because you haven't faced your fear yet. She is kept in HER situation because of it. You are keeping each other there and both choosing to be there.

I think a discussion about what will happen next is warranted. Mabye talking to her about your dynamic and discussing ways in your everyday life that you can hand over some responsibility to her that you have been either rescuing her from or keeping her from and her allowing you to be your own person, your own man that she can be proud of. When PN goes out with someone for the first time I am now proud of him and he of himself. I watch him leave with a swelling feeling of, "there is my man, so handsome, such good values and integrity, I know he is trustworthy and solid with me and he will dazzle her with how wonderful he is." We took a long time to get there, but we have, it wavers, but we have. He is there, I am here and we are a complete team. There is no coach, just team players. We don't need a coach, we do it all together as separate adults... now Mono is added to that team after two years of making sure that we can all come together as team players and not try and be coach....
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  #13  
Old 10-23-2010, 10:00 PM
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MyotherB MyotherB is offline
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I have told her over the phone twice in the last few days that I have had some revelations about myself, and that I have some stuff to work on. I thanked her, and that kind of confused her, truthfully because I have been vague as I want to have the discussion we need face-to-face.

A year ago, I never would have thought that inviting another man into our marriage bed would be a catalyst for self discovery and growth. I guess anything that makes you evaluate your life in depth will lead you to change, if you don't fight it.

I've never been so scared and excited in my life. Come what will, I will be better for all of this.

Thank you all for the therapy
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