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  #1  
Old 10-22-2010, 12:03 AM
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MariusdeRomanus MariusdeRomanus is offline
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Red face Turning Into A Small Village...

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just want to talk to someone about the recent happenings in my lovingly crowded home.

Very recently, I became involved in my first poly relationship with my husband, and four other people. On Monday, another couple joined us as well. We've had what I can only imagine as normal arguments, being such a big group starting out. We're all very careful with one another, though there's still the unfortunate stepping on feelings by accident while we adjust to the newness.

There's a lot of NRE that's gotten us into a fair amount of trouble... it's hard to determine what'll make us uncomfortable when we first set out, and so we'll think that we're going good until we're suddenly very upset. We've been communicating very well though, and most of the problems don't last for very long.

Can anyone tell me how to manage spending time with six lovers, or is this unique?
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:49 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Mariusde,

Sure - easy answer. Send 3 over this way ! Happy to help.

Just kidding (sort of).

Balancing time is always tough in general. Balancing all the inter-relations in such a large group to me would be a headache !
Likely the only thing that will help is lots of clear communication and LOTS of patience. The farther back you are in the line, the longer you have to wait.

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Old 10-22-2010, 03:46 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi marius,

I haven't got anything constructive to offer. My jaw is still on the floor. But hey, you are a heroine. Good luck and good loving to you all
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Old 10-22-2010, 05:06 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
Hi marius,

I haven't got anything constructive to offer. My jaw is still on the floor. But hey, you are a heroine. Good luck and good loving to you all
My thoughts, too!
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  #5  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:28 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I have two male loves that live with me and one female secondary and two other male secondaries and I thought that was crazy. One more would be just insanity. I simply wouldn't do it truth be told. It just wouldn't be sustainable for me.

I have been at this a long time and this is the most loves I have had and after at least a year of trying to maintain some semblance of sanity, it is just not going to happen anytime soon and I have had to drastically make decisions about just how many people I can invest and have a connection with at the same time. I have had to lesson my time with my two male secondaries as a result. We all agreed to this, but it has been hard and one has gone my the way side for the moment to make some changes to his life.

I think that what is really sustainable is a primary and one secondary and that is it. Or two primaries... depends on your definition and belief about the primary/secondary thing really. One has to remember that your number one primary is yourself and its just not possible to have enough of that with more than two I think.

So, now what, I don't want to "get rid" of people. I love them each in their own way, i just try and make it work and have drastically adjusted my life to the point where I don't do hardly anything but have dates with people. It's hard when those who don't know ask me what I have doing and why I am not painting and singing and running and volunteering and sewing and gardening...all the things I used to do... I don't have anything to say. I have no information to give.

Now that I have my own room and Mono has moved in or is just about moved in... end of the week, and I am purposely scheduling "me" time to do things I enjoy, things are working, but it is at the detriment of my relationships. The depth has potential to fade and the connection and perhaps even the point eventually. So be it, but it makes me sad that that might happen. I don't want it to, but the reality is that five is just too much for me the way I have been going.

good luck I have to say, and don't take this the wrong way, but at this point in the game for me, that sounds like a nightmare.
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Old 10-23-2010, 08:52 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Purely time-wise, I believe I could have four more lovers. It's for the emotional part that I'm not sure how that would work (I'd need to fall in love with them first, after all).
Then again, I'm unemployed. Add a job, and I'd have much less time. And my main problem I think wouldn't be being with them one on one, but with all of them at once. I'd want everyone to know everyone, and if possible be in good terms, and I'd want to do things all together... And I tell myself, I'm not a very social person, wouldn't that feel like too many people?

On the other hand, we were 6 in my family (4 kids + parents) and we did lots of stuff all together, and it was fine... And that's just one more person...

Six would be much easier to achieve if it included my metamours. Then even if both my partners only have one person over me, that's already four people. If I get a third and they have a partner, or I get a third and Raga or Sean gets a third too, or if they both get a third, we're at six people over me. And I'd only be involved with two or three myself on a romantic level.

I think at that point, the way to go would be doing a lot of things as a group, or with several people at once. Still trying to get alone time with everyone, in which case you split into couples (with one trio I guess) to do various activities, then get back together and shuffle, then have supper all together, or something.
It seems to me in your case you're all a big family, so it's not 6 unrelated people with you in the middle, which makes it all easier in this specific case (more complicated in many ways, too, I'm sure!)

And I'd also be sure to get some alone time. But I think I probably wouldn't have much of a social "external" life, one of my lover would almost always been involved in some way! That's not necessarily a bad thing though.
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Old 10-23-2010, 06:47 PM
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MariusdeRomanus MariusdeRomanus is offline
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Thanks for all the comments, both constructive and funny.

We do almost everything together, every second we can. I have noticed (thanks to Redpepper's reply) that my time is consumed by my lovers. We're really on six days into our relationship, and already I'm dropping the ball on other stuff! At the moment though, I don't feel that's necessarily a bad thing... I'd much rather pay attention to my relationship and all its fine detailing than play Dungeons and Dragons-- even though three of my lovers play it with me. I simply don't have an interest in things that involve people who aren't part of the relationship right now. This will probably change later, and maybe that's for the better.

Like Tonberry though, I don't have a job. Only four of my lovers do, and one is on SSI for a heart problem. I'm a full-time student, but it's a lot easier than I would've thought to pay attention to my studies because I have six lovers to whoop my ass if I miss an assignment... something they take perverse joy doing. And I go to most of the same classes with one lover.

Our dates are humongous! We had our first date last Thursday, and just sitting us took a bit. We've all agreed (because of the screaming of some bank accounts) that maybe we might wanna do things closer to home. The one-on-one dates are a little harder to manage right now because of some adjustments to the new type of relationship, and dealing with some shades of jealousy. We keep it simple for the one-on-one stuff; Company and Vegeta play a video game together (even if everyone is still in the house), Ariel and I do crafty things such as make soap and soon we'll be making Christmas stockings for everyone), and so on. In short, I have kept a few of my hobbies, and I suppose that makes me lucky... We all share so much in common.

But hey, even though it's so hard, I wouldn't have it any other way. The vibes are all wonderful when we're together, and everyone is comfortable. Our communication (usually somewhat patchy as just friends) has amped up to an awesome level.

Now my only issue is the one person (Thunder) who didn't come into the relationship with their own primary. We all worry about his moodiness when it comes and goes, and he's told us how sad he can get at night when everyone goes to bed with their primary, and he's by himself with no one to cuddle. We thought to fix this with a funny (but serious!) idea for a "mattress room"... a communal bedroom full of everyone's beds. Maybe this will help him at nights, but I also worry that maybe he gets unhappy with shows of affection, even though the shows are to more than just our primaries. I like to think it's evenly distributed.

Maybe this is an easier topic to find advice for.
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Old 10-24-2010, 02:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MariusdeRomanus View Post

Now my only issue is the one person (Thunder) who didn't come into the relationship with their own primary. We all worry about his moodiness when it comes and goes, and he's told us how sad he can get at night when everyone goes to bed with their primary, and he's by himself with no one to cuddle. We thought to fix this with a funny (but serious!) idea for a "mattress room"... a communal bedroom full of everyone's beds. Maybe this will help him at nights, but I also worry that maybe he gets unhappy with shows of affection, even though the shows are to more than just our primaries. I like to think it's evenly distributed.

Maybe this is an easier topic to find advice for.
Seem maybe in a group this large it would be easier to make sure Thunder doesn't have to go to bed alone every night ?
It may be something you have to work up to, but if all the other 'primaries' put themselves in his shoes, and think back to what some of the goals of living poly are about - i.e. sharing - that someone could crawl in with him at least occasionally. I mean...C'mon - fair is fair - right

GS
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Old 10-24-2010, 03:43 PM
Athena Athena is offline
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Hi,

One question I would have are, is it your intent as a group to all be equally primary to each other? Or is it your intent to have your original primary be your primary still and everyone else in the group is your secondary? It makes a big difference in what the viable solutions available to you may be!
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Old 10-24-2010, 05:27 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Hi,

One question I would have are, is it your intent as a group to all be equally primary to each other? Or is it your intent to have your original primary be your primary still and everyone else in the group is your secondary? It makes a big difference in what the viable solutions available to you may be!
good question Athena. I wonder that too. My loves sort of became what they became out of time constraints and willingness to be in my life for certain things, events, etc... Like Tetris, it all sort of shuffled down to what worked for us.
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