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  #11  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:28 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I understand. You want to feel special.
I think you can feel special even if you're not the only one (for instance, you feel special to your parents without being an only child, etc), but I can definitely see how you could feel like just a line on a chalkboard if he's had lots of other people before you.

It seems to me though, he cares about you enough to stop the rest - he didn't do it for the others, or you wouldn't have met. At some point there is a line between the effort HE has to put in to show how special you are and make you feel truly appreciated, and the amount of insecurity YOU need to get rid of. It's not easy in your situation though, things are piled up against you: you don't have much experience, so that's one thing you can feel insecure about. He's far away, another thing. He's married, another thing. He has lots of experience, another thing.

So I can totally see where you're coming from. If it's going too fast for you, I would say, tell him so and have him slow down. After all, if you are special to him, he'll want to respect you and respect your own pace, and let you set it.

When I asked about "in a few years", I did want to know what you felt about this potential scenario now. Of course, what you would actually feel, nobody can know. But putting yourself in a situation that removes the distance, the newness, the "weakness" of the relationship, and seeing if the feelings are still there, that can help you see if that's what's causing them or not.

I find this kind of exercise helpful. Forever, asking a mono wife "if you were 100% sure he'd never leave you for her or stop loving you, would it be better?" helps you know if the jealousy is tied to those feelings.
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  #12  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:30 AM
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Hmmm, I would feel strange if I were in that situation mainly because of the long distance factor where you haven't gotten to hang out in person much. It's hard to know if you want to live with someone from talking online. When you use the word shady, that sends off a message to me that you seem to be more than a little uncomfortable with the possibilities. Do you feel that because of his openness and love for everyone that he is insincere or glib in his proclamations to you? If you don't trust him I could see that causing some problems. Do you think he is trustworthy?
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  #13  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:48 AM
natalie natalie is offline
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Tonberry- Funny you use an only child example... because I am an only child and have not dealt with siblings and my family is really small lol.

But yes I know I am really insecure. I would be insecure in a normal relationship and this just adds on a LOT more than I ever ever ever imagined.

"if you were 100% sure he'd never leave you for her or stop loving you, would it be better?"

When it comes to "new" people, even if I somehow knew he wouldn't love me less or "leave me" I would still feel bad. For example, if I was his wife right now and he was speaking to someone like he does to me right now, and talking to her as often as he does- I would feel really awful about it. But she knows and is ok with it, I guess bc that's just how they work. But I don't think I could.
I think the fact that I havent run away screaming yet is that I knew from the beginning his wifey is superior, and I know deep down if she is not ok with me this will stop. So its like I've resigned myself to that, I don't want to resign myself to even more if he falls in love with more girls.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
Do you feel that because of his openness and love for everyone that he is insincere or glib in his proclamations to you? If you don't trust him I could see that causing some problems. Do you think he is trustworthy?
Nail on the head. I don't think he's trustworthy but he hasn't exactly done/shown me anything to prove that, just the fact that he is open and "in love" [and lust] with me while the same with his wife, and his past of casual hook ups- is what the not-trusting comes from.
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  #14  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
it sounds like your conscience is telling you something about this situation. I suggest you listen to it.
well, as I said last page, I am still going with this...

as to the future, things change, we change and that is all to be determined as it comes to light. there is no way of knowing until we come across it.
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  #15  
Old 10-23-2010, 07:32 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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You say you feel his wife is "superior"... It follows that you think you are inferior. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of you entering a relationship in which, from the get go, you feel inferior, and like you could be "discarded" at any time.

It doesn't seem very fair to me. And of course you'd feel bad about it, insecure, uncomfortable! I suggest you talk about all of that with them. If you can get the opportunity to talk to his wife, too, that might help you as well. Then you can see how that works for you.

The bottom line is, don't go too far if you don't think it's for you. It's important for everyone in a relationship to feel loved and respected and be fine with things. You shouldn't force it if you don't, or you'll always feel miserable about it.
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  #16  
Old 10-23-2010, 02:27 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Natalie,

Here's what your post echoed to me.

In your writing I hear way too much of a "mono" thought process. You seem to really be concerned about having what amounts to a mono - or some might say poly-fi (to me nothing more than a tweaked mono) - relationship to be happy & comfortable.

I'd suggest you take some time to do some deep soul searching about what 'poly' really is - and means to you.

Remember, the foundation of poly love is 'love without limits'.

Are you REALLY convinced of rightness (for lack of the better word right now) of this ?

It's a belief system. You have to embrace it totally. You either believe it's the best way to live for yourself and those you choose to embrace - or you don't. Simple as that !

I see way too many people who are really on the fence. They want the benefits but are either not willing to put forth the effort or take the negatives that come with it. (there is ALWAYS balance - nothing is ever all one way).

I think you need to find clarity on this for yourself.

If you do, most of the questions you have will provide their own answers.

GS
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  #17  
Old 10-25-2010, 01:56 AM
natalie natalie is offline
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Thanks for the advice =) I know.. I'm pretty positive I am a mono person. I don't know if this the best life for me. But I really have connected with this guy, and that's why its hard. If I didn't feel so strongly about him, I wouldnt consider this.

So that's the only reason I want to research the 'poly lifestyle' like on these forums- because I really feel connected with him, but not his lifestyle I guess... which maybe means I can't do a relationship.
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  #18  
Old 10-25-2010, 03:53 AM
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It is possible to do a mono/poly relationship although I hear it's pretty hard. There are people on here who have experience with that. And lots of blogs/posts talking about it. For some people, it's worth the struggle. For some, it's not.
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  #19  
Old 10-25-2010, 06:30 AM
MrX MrX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
It is possible to do a mono/poly relationship although I hear it's pretty hard.
Yes, but if I may point something out.. In this situation, the mono person in the relationship is coming into it as a secondary partner. That is far different from a mono/poly combo in which the mono partner and poly partner are primaries, and I fear that will only make the difficulties in a mono/poly combination even harder to deal with.

Sorry.. I'm new here. I just thought that was an important thing to note.

just my $.02

Last edited by MrX; 10-25-2010 at 06:33 AM.
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  #20  
Old 10-25-2010, 07:41 AM
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It depends on life stage and what you want to do in your life as to what kind of relationship dynamic will work for you. When you haven't done and wish to do the marriage and kid thing then being a secondary might not work for you, but when you already have and are looking for independancy, or are fine doing other things in life and having the company of another some of the time, it might work. Mono, for instance, my partner, has had a wife and kid and cheated for a number of years. He never thought anyone would love him again and is quite content with what he has now. He says he is my secondary, out of respect for my husband, PN, but to me he is my OP, my OSO; my other primary or other significant other.
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