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  #11  
Old 10-19-2010, 08:50 PM
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Thanks for all your responses.
Fundamentally I have come to believe that poly (including mono/poly) relationships are just like any other but maybe on steroids?

I get the "delicate balance" but maybe as women we are programmed by society to be selfless because that is what makes a "good woman"? I don't know maybe that is a generational thing and is changing. My mother was a certainly a passive- aggressive doormat and I became the same thing.

For me I could never create the delicate balance with my husband because the underlying emotion base was not healthy. With Z I wanted to give too much because the emotional base has always been really healthy. His being poly has shown me I can't give more than I'm capable of coping with and that's OK. My accepting his poly, has helped him not to feel like a freak. We were even able to have a rational discussion about it all with my daughter last night.

Really, really great to have you back MG. I hope this thread can be used for polys struggling with monos too. Not all of us want a protected space. Some of us like wild and free debate.
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  #12  
Old 10-23-2010, 12:25 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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I finally thought of something that might be helpful to other struggling monos. A few weeks back I came to a realisation that was like a light bulb coming on. It was:

My wife is not responsible for the whole of my happiness or unhappiness.

This really did help me a lot.
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  #13  
Old 10-23-2010, 01:14 AM
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MyotherB MyotherB is offline
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You all may not be struggling, but I am.....

I am very glad to have found this board, and advice and insight I have received already has helped tremendously. I have at least identified from where some of my insecurity stems, and am (i think) doing a better job at searching for the root of my issues.

Right now though, I am emotional and hurting. B is off at Blizzcon in Los Angeles with her other, and having a great time. I went with last year with she and her first other, and made her miserable, because I was bored and wnadered off a lot.
So, when we discussed me going again this year, B pointed out that the tickets were sold out. Fair enough.
I rememebred the reason I didn't go earlier today, after chatting with B about how she snuck P in because he didn't have a ticket

Intellectually, I know that it makes sense for her to not want me to be there and drag her down, and truly I can think of things I'd rather do than be at a convention about World of Warcraft.
I'm just having a hard time being the old worn out stuffed rabbit, sitting on the shelf while she plays with her new shiny RC car she got for her birthday, you know?

Doesn't help that to keep her happy over the last 7 years, I basically torpedoed my social life, so all I have to do while she is out is watch the kids.

Shit. I'm a mess.
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  #14  
Old 10-23-2010, 01:21 AM
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So, what do you do when you aren't envious, jealous, or angry?

Simply sad, lonely, and feeling isolated?

"Get a hobby"
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  #15  
Old 10-23-2010, 01:44 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyotherB View Post
Intellectually, I know that it makes sense for her to not want me to be there and drag her down, and truly I can think of things I'd rather do than be at a convention about World of Warcraft.
I'm just having a hard time being the old worn out stuffed rabbit, sitting on the shelf while she plays with her new shiny RC car she got for her birthday, you know?
It's probalby not that she doesn't want you there, but that she knows you would be misserable if you did go and therefore so would everyone else. I was actually relieved that my husband had someone that was willing to go to all the BORING stuff that I absolutely hated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyotherB View Post
Doesn't help that to keep her happy over the last 7 years, I basically torpedoed my social life, so all I have to do while she is out is watch the kids.
Quick, send the rescue crew after your social life. I did this, but not because it made my husband happy, but because he was so busy doing his thing, I felt I had no choice. The problem was that he knew I would be there to take care of the kids, so he volunteered for more stuff, while I turned stuff down because I knew he wouldn't be home on that night. I tend to be a bit of a hermit/homebody anyway and will use any excuse to stay home. This gave me an excuse, but looking back I found that I had distanced myself from friends and I wasn't happy not having a social life. It wasn't my husbands fault, but MINE. I let it happen and it was up to me to fix it. It's still a work in progress.
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  #16  
Old 10-23-2010, 03:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
.....but looking back I found that I had distanced myself from friends and I wasn't happy not having a social life. It wasn't my husbands fault, but MINE. I let it happen and it was up to me to fix it. It's still a work in progress.

This is why I am happy to have landed here. 3 Days ago, I was envious of the time B was spending with P. It is because of insight like this that I realized I wasn't unhappy because she was with him, but because she WASN'T with me. This bothers me because I have pushed all my friends away, and now I am lonely without her, because She has a life, and I don't.
Not her fault. Not P's fault. MINE. I broke my own toys. Now I have to fix them.
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  #17  
Old 10-23-2010, 03:27 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyotherB View Post
This is why I am happy to have landed here. 3 Days ago, I was envious of the time B was spending with P. It is because of insight like this that I realized I wasn't unhappy because she was with him, but because she WASN'T with me. This bothers me because I have pushed all my friends away, and now I am lonely without her, because She has a life, and I don't.
Not her fault. Not P's fault. MINE. I broke my own toys. Now I have to fix them.
You are getting there MyotherB. PM me any time you need any extra support- I was where you are now only a few weeks back.
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  #18  
Old 10-23-2010, 04:35 AM
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The strangest thing just happened. Here I was, sitting and staring at Facebook, trying to not feel sorry for myself. The the phone rang. It was B, and she had me on speakerphone. P was there, as well as 3 of her other friends that she is hanging with this weekend.
So I sat and talked non-sense, laughed, and got the opportunity to display the fun and charismatic me to her friends and P. We carried on for almost an hour, making fun of guys with bad pickup lines that tried to hit on B last night, guys with shriveled testicles (of which I am a member ) and be generally rowdy and obnoxious. Together. From 1600 miles away.

Even when she is with P and her friends, she thought of me. B didn't have to include me tonight. I never asked her to, or give her reason to think she should.
She is amazing, and our relationship is strong. I love her completely. She is having a great time, and she is gonna Rawk P's world tonight once she gets him alone.

I couldn't be happier. Well, I could have a friend to share all this with in person, instead of a computer monitor, but I have faith that I can make friends here, and IRL too. Said SNeacail
Quote:
It's still a work in progress.
I can make this work. I'm happy to be here. Thank whoever is running this clown factory of a world for giving me a place to run to. For tonight, at least, I struggle no more.
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  #19  
Old 10-23-2010, 04:58 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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It's great when they surprise you like that.
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  #20  
Old 10-23-2010, 04:59 AM
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Yay for you MyotherB.

I am so pleased things are going well. It is so important for us monos to post the positives as well as the struggles. We are essentially a micro niche within a micro niche and things can get very lonely. Polys can post about their wonderful times but what are our wonderful times? Sometimes it's hard to find them; sometimes all they seem to be is the "not being crap times". So we must start for ourselves finding and sharing the times with our partners that are great. I was uplifted by your posts and I'm grateful, thankyou.

@Vodkafan, you are such a sweet man and you remind me that mono men too work hard to keep their poly/mono relationships in good health.
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