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  #1  
Old 10-22-2010, 05:42 PM
broncofan broncofan is offline
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Default Not sure where to go from here

I am very new to all of this and feel like I have made a huge mess of things and I'm not sure what to do next.

I am 39, married to a great guy for the past 20 years. We have tried swinging and have had some great experiences with other couples we have known for years. I have enjoyed this due to the fact that there was no jealousy involved and everyone had a great time.

Fast forward to now. I ran into an old mutual friend 2 months ago and have been talking and texting with him on a regular basis since then. I asked him how he felt about a polyamours relationship if I talked to my husband about it and he was all for it. We have not had sex as I just couldn't do that to my husband, but this person and I have really fallen for each other.

My husband found out about the texting and talking and we have had a few very stressful weeks which have included me not having any contact with my friend. Yesterday I told my husband I still have very strong feelings for this man and want to have him in our lives. I told him it is not a matter of him not making my happy, but that each of them make my happy in different ways and fulfill different needs for me. I very much want both of them in my life.

I told the other man that I had talked to my husband had told him who he was, I felt my husband deserves that. He flipped out that I had told my husband and I told him if I am going to ask my husband to open his mind and his heart he gets full disclosure and honesty.

Now I am feeling stuck since I'm not sure where I stand with either man. My husband is thinking things over and I'm okay with that since I don't want to move things any faster than he is ready for. The other guy is not talking to me at the moment and I just feel like I have completely screwed everything up.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for taking the time to read. I am open to all comments, suggestions, good or bad.
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  #2  
Old 10-22-2010, 06:54 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Hello & welcome .

It sounds like you done good to me, lol.

You're open & honest with both men--bonus points. You didn't start it out as an affair then try to go poly after the affair was discovered--bonus points. You stopped communicating with #2 after telling hubby about it. Yeah, you're going in the right direction. Just give hubby time to wrap his brain around it and ask any questions he has & give #2 the time he needs to come to terms with openly sharing you.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:14 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
Hello & welcome .

It sounds like you done good to me, lol.

You're open & honest with both men--bonus points. You didn't start it out as an affair then try to go poly after the affair was discovered--bonus points. You stopped communicating with #2 after telling hubby about it. Yeah, you're going in the right direction. Just give hubby time to wrap his brain around it and ask any questions he has & give #2 the time he needs to come to terms with openly sharing you.
Yep - I agree with this.
And if the BF doesn't like the ethical, sensible approach ...... well - I guess that tells you something - right ?

GS
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:34 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Agreed GS.

If the b/f can't handle honesty then is he really being honest with himself & you, broncofan?
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Old 10-23-2010, 12:10 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi Broncofan,

What you have done is a carbon copy of what my wife did, except that she did not know what to do and it was pulling her apart and making her ill. She didn't cheat on me. It was me that suggested a sharing arrangement- we didn't know anything about poly.

Full marks to you for being honest with your husband. This can work out- but your boyfriends reaction is a bit worrying.
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  #6  
Old 10-23-2010, 01:06 AM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Sounds like everybody is freaked out right now, and understandably so. It's a quantum shift to even think about this. Panic may reign for a while. I expect that none of you will really know where you're at, til you've all had a chance to absorb the shock a bit.

And to echo the previous posts, kudos for been honest, for not cheating, and for being respectful of both men.

Good luck!
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Old 10-23-2010, 01:56 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hi broncofan, and welcome to the forum.

I agree with the other respondents: kudos on your approach thus far.

It may feel like you're on shaky ground, but you're coming from a place of honesty and integrity. Way to go. At this point no one can predict the outcome, but you're moving in the right direction. Open, honest, loving and considerate of each person's needs. Seriously, way to go.

There's one thing you wrote that concerns me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by broncofan View Post
. . . He flipped out that I had told my husband . . .
This is a huge red flag. How did he think the three of you were going to form polyamorous relationships without your husband being in the loop? Are you sure your #2 isn't just looking for a clandestine affair?

Again, welcome to the forum, and best of luck to each of you. I hope you find what you seek.
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Old 10-23-2010, 05:33 AM
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This is a huge red flag. How did he think the three of you were going to form polyamorous relationships without your husband being in the loop? Are you sure your #2 isn't just looking for a clandestine affair?
There was a big red flag for me there too. It sounds like he was thinking that you might want to have an affair and now thinks you fucked up the chance of being together at all. I don't know what he thought poly was,... just loving two people? that's it? It isn't, it comes with a foundation of integrity, honesty, respect and communication... all of which you have done very well at.

It's really too bad he is up set with you, but that is HIS thing, not yours... it sounds like you made him think beyond the norm and that is a GOOD thing I think. good for you.

Ya, I say give them some time and see what happens, just sit in the pride you should have on this one, you have done well by them, and yourself, hopefully they will both come around to realizing that and decide to trust you and move forward. Really you have created a winning situation it seems to me in that you will see what guy #2 is made of and will create more connection with guy #1 and can move forward having opened up your feelings... if guy #2 is unresponsive from now on, its no loss really. You know will know his intentions weren't honorable and can move on to someones who are.
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  #9  
Old 10-23-2010, 01:26 PM
broncofan broncofan is offline
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Thank you to everyone for your replies, it helped calm my nerves and feel better about the situation. I had felt like I was cheating because I have an emotional connection to guy #2. I think he was afraid of my husbands reaction at knowing who he was because we have all known each other socially since high school and thought my husband would have a huge problem with the thought of us together.

Right now I am just giving everyone the weekend to relax and sort out feelings. I figure if #2 can't talk openly to me about how he is feeling and why he reacted the way he did then he just isn't the right person for us.
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Old 10-23-2010, 09:29 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by broncofan View Post
Right now I am just giving everyone the weekend to relax and sort out feelings.
Very wise move. Taking a little time to just breathe and process all this new information may be just what your husband needs to see that that you are still you, that nothing is fundamentally changed between the two of you, and that opening himself up to the new possibilities you are presenting could be a good thing for each of you. I would suggest it might also be wise for you make yourself ready and available to answer questions and discuss possibilities, but let him set the pace and direction. He may have lots of questions, or he may just want to mull it all over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by broncofan View Post
I figure if #2 can't talk openly to me about how he is feeling and why he reacted the way he did then he just isn't the right person for us.
BINGO!
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